Social event with anxiety and depression as date

We're going to dinner and such with my boyfriends company.

That's a challenge in itself, I really don't like to be in a room filled with people, I don't know, but normally I can handle it.

On such days I always try to look my best. My self esteem is generally very low these day, so it doesn't help those feelings, if I dress improperly.

So I have been going thru my clothes to find something useful to wear. It's cold outside, that also requires warm clothes.
And I have nothing that I would even wear on a bad day at work!
My black jeans are so old, they are no longer black.
The best blouse for the ocation is 8 years old. All my business suits has passed their due date 3 years ago. That does really not help me. At least I use to be properly dressed, now it's simply  embarrassing, and THAT does really no good to my self esteem.

So now I feel like a hobo, with lack of haircut and dressed in a sack. If I had no place to sleep, I might as well be mistaken as a homeless, living on the streets. And actually the difference wouldn't be so much different. I sleep on a sofa, and I have my clothes is in a suitcase. God, with thoughts like that, it seems impossible to go thru the evening.

Well, we went there, and despite of my lack in confidence, I tried to talk with others, who unfortunately seemed to be totally without interest in me. Not that I particularly like to talk about myself, but I think it's common decency to ask other people about their life, when you show an interest in them.

After dinner we had to go to a motor show. Not in my interest, but I didn't care about that, I was there to support my BF.

I am proud to say, that I went up an obscene amount of stairs. Anxiety tried it's best, but I beat it. I went all the way.
Then the noise of horns started, just like at a football game. That triggered me, I started to get a bit upset.
We got great seats, they were probably very expensive, but soon I started to feel, like I was on top of a skilope. All it would take was a small push, then I would start to slide downwards, then flying in the air down down down until I hit the buttom.
Now the noise, the feeling of falling any second, was playing in my mind, and the force of anxiety took over. I needed to get out of there right NOW.

My BF and I got in a fight, since I thought I would take a cap home (I was in a panic attack and said something like even if I have to take a cap, I'll go right now).
That would be stupid. I can't simply! It's around 60 Euro to go home, That's a big cut in my monthly "food and save" budget.

I told him, that I actually thought he would drive me home, as he promised.

And he was thinking the cap would be a great idea, as I mentioned myself - as if he put it flashing colors.

I asked him, if he really knew anything about anxiety and depression, or if he just walked around thinking, that he was a wise man knowing nothing for real.
I would confess to the murder of J.F.K and anything else just to get out of such situation.

He got so upset he grabbed my coat and started dragging me through the foyer. THEN I totally stopped and looked directly in his eyes and told him: "you do NOT grab me and drag me anywhere. Get your hands off from me... (nothing hapoened and I raised my voice) Let go right now or I'll immediately start a physical fight with you." I said it loud and clear, all the guards could hear me. He took his hands off me.

On the way home we said nothing. I felt like I was shaking all over on the inside. He grabbed me...

At some point he asked if he at least could get back to the party.
I told him that I had expected him to. At least it would not make a night of a verbal fight, if he was not home.

But... He should never ever in the future count me in for anything at all.

So, that was really successful. Now im depressed and angry, sad and feel worthless.
I hope You have a better evening.