A day with mom at the hospital

I haven't been nervous at all. If I thought about that I was going, it was thoughts about regular stuff, practical things.

I had decided to take the train, since it stops right outside the hospital. The I'd avoid morning traffic and most import I would not have the stress of finding a parking spot.
Well I got the excitement from taking the train anyway.

So dressed in decent clothes (nothing flashy or overdressed) I'm now sitting in the train, rocking away to my destination.
I'm annoyed with blogger app, cause I can't make decent updates, unless I'm at a computer. Well, I'll have to live with that for now, and correct my published posts later on.

I find myself surprisingly calm. Maybe we have just experienced too much in the family, maybe all my shields are up...
Or maybe someone finally us watching over us to pretend us from more harm. I said something silly to my mom, like I know nothing bad is wrong. It's simply not possible, cause we can't take anymore BS right now.

Well, I'll soon get off the train, and I'm sure we'll have a lot of waiting time - we'll just have to see what happens.
If I need to unload, I'll write if possible.
It's strange,  but I feel the presence of something. Maybe its just the very thought of you all, and the kind words you are so dear to send me, when it gets tough.

TTYL

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Looking ill does not help you

I'm going with my mom to the hospital. To do that, I manage with several tools, where one of them is to look my best (at least ok) before I leave.

I don't care about how other people dress.  This is one of my tools, pretending I don't feel like I feel.
I think you find the most outstanding actors in people with anxiety and depression. We live it each and every day.

But I'm going for my mom, and I'll be damned if I don't do my absolute best. And to have the confidence to do that, I need to look decent.

I have told you about my "fear" of showering, probably caused by me not wanting to feel cold at any time...

Well no matter my "fear of getting cold", I allways feel much better after a shower.

Especially if I take my time to do it, and do it all like cleansing my skin, cutting my nails and puts on makeup afterwards (if you normally like that.)
I have noticed that this definitely makes me feel better.
But it's a fight, especially now when the temperature outside is so low. My hair takes forever to dry, so I need a warm room, not to put on a raincoat an get even more wet and cold.

However this is definitely something I recommend. If you on the other hand hated the very sight of yourself in each mirror you pass, it's definitely not helping the mood.

When I go outside, I always make sure, I look presentable. As "the Farmer" says: "I don't do sick person."
I try to live by that saying of hers, because she is a real fighter. She refuses to let this disease win.
So do yourself a favour, get up and take a bath, feel the warm water comfort you.
Get dressed in normal clothes, no jogging suits, sweat pants, but normal everyday clothes, and get out there and fight it, if you in any way can.

I'm definitely not "doing sick person" in front of my mom if I can help it. So I'll do my best to look like I'm totally fine and she doesn't have to worry about me too.
Take care out there :-)

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My mother is sick

While I was at my friends place, I got a call that they have discovered "something" on one of her kidneys.

It was late in the evening, so we waited to go until the next day.

We had a quiet lunch, nothing sad about it. To my mom it hasn't really caught up yet. As for me... I don't know if it's my defence shield or something, but to me it can't be bad. It simply can't.

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I want to see my friend, but do not want to leave

It seemed like a great idea a week ago, but now I'd prefer it differently.

We are going to visit an old school friend or mine. He is a true friend and an absolutely wonderful person.

But now I don't want to go. I'll end up going any way, and as usual I'm sure, I'm going to have a great time.

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Emotional support dog (ESA)

Who doesnt want to come home to a little cuddely friend who is SO happy to see you, cause you are their center of the whole universe....

One huge mistake so made several years ago, was to get an alarm installed in my house. It prevented me from having a pet, and I felt SO scared and alone it's indescribable. 

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Chat rooms

I have been asked about chatrooms, and I've also been recommended to make one for this site.

It's always great to get ideas from you all. I know that the wish to stay anonymous is important to many, so there's a lot if the current 18000+ readers I don't hear from.

It would also be too overwhelming.

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I lost my GPS of my day

The end is near - almost.
I lost my calendar somewhere, I have searched all over, it's no where to be found... And the idiotic part of the story is,  that I feel totally lost without it.

I can't remember anything I haven't written down. I don't know time and date for my next doctors visit, dentist, surgery, appointments with friends or anything!

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Hard moments during a day

There is certain times during a day, that's worse than others. 

Of course days with panic attacks is the worst, but in the daily routine there's obstacles too.

Getting up in the morning used to be a struggle, when I was living alone. Actually the worst was not as much to get up, as it was the thought of what I was going to do afterwards... Leaving the house pretending all day, that I'M FINE!!!!

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Medication is making me wanna puke

I don't get a truck load of medication for anxiety and depression anymore. 

That's by my choise, not the docs. It's my impression they would medicate my brain away, if they could decide.

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How does it feel to have a panic attack?

Panic attacks, aka anxiety attacks, often come suddenly and almost without warning.
A panic attack ofcourse feels slightly different depending on the persons you ask, but most symptoms and feelings are the same.

When I felt an anxiety attack the first time, I literally thought I was dying.
My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear the heart beat in my ears. My chest started to tighten more and more, like I had an elephant sitting on me. I gasped for breath, I was sure I was having a heart attack.

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A typical day with short time memory loss

As a side effect from PTSD I have short time memory loss.
How do you get any work done with that?

I'm about to say I don't get anything done, but that's not totally true.

But I forget what I am doing. Easily.

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Does anybody's dreams ever come true?

Sometimes it seems like my dreams never will come true. I've lived so long trying to meet every expectation from my husband, then the children, and now... Nothing.
A psychiatrist once asked me... What do YOU want? What are YOUR interests?
I thought a long time about that, and I didn't know!

Now I wish to move though. But I start to wonder, if that will ever happen before I die.

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Dissociating / Diversion

I've thought about the difference between dissociation and diversion. It may seem a bit alike, but in fact it's two totally different subjects. I've made some notes from a lot of reading, cause I think it's important to know the difference.

Dissociation
- when the mind and body "splits into two"...
To be able to move focus from what's hurting, whether it's a psychological of physical pain. Some people can handle extreme pain by dissociation. 

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Overwhelming feelings

Thank you very much for your kind and heartwarming emails. I'm currently not writing much, I know, but don't worry, I'm hanging in there and am currently fighting off my own demons.

I'm frustrated about a lot of stuff, and as usual, If there's too much, it's like clothes in a dryer, rolling around in a big mess.
And I can't seem to find the button to turn it off.

But it's the "normal" stuff like
Will I ever get better?
What about employment?
Can I control my anger, which is new to me?

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect.

But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music.
I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting.
There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while. But here's a couple to get started.
I would be more than happy, if you'll share your favorites with me, then I'll add them to the list, if I think its beneficial for all.
Happy listening!

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Stop yelling at me

If not everything is my fault, how come do I always come to be the bad guy?
What the he'll have I done to deserve to be yelled at, ignored and interrupted?

Don't you think I'd prefer not to be sick?
How do you think I feel about not having a job?
How do you think it is to be scared of stuff that goes on in my mind?
Do you really have to remind me?
Do you hate me so damn much, that you feel the need to put me down further?

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A basket full of stone..

During bad days I sometimes reflect on moments in my life, that was difficult, but I got thru them.

We were having some huge problems in the family several years ago.

One part would not accept the invitation for my son's baptize, if the other part came.
They forced me to chose.
Yeah right, that's really an annoying place to be in.

I talked with the priest and he told me this story...

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I'm having some really bad days

I seem to be stuck at a platform between a deep hole of depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and the top where I feel fine.

I can't get outta here, I'm stuck, but there's not much space, so either I manage to reach the top or I fall.

So for now I just let everything rest and stand still, and hope to get further up each day I wake up.

I know what's wrong. It's a nobrainer: 

My committee of sleep is not working on anythin, they are apparently on strike.

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Why I chose to be Anonymous

Give a man a mask, and he'll tell you the truth - the quote goes something like that. 

And now I found it... :-)

It's not that I, under normal circumstances, feel that I'm a really bad person (but when I'm depressed), I'm not ashamed of being sick or ashamed to have the feelings I have.

But if I knew my children would find this by searching my name, or people who will take advantage of that knowledge could find it, I would always weigh my words and be careful not to make it sound too bad and paint a more pretty picture.

But it would all be a lie. And then there would be no reason to write for me or anybody else...

I write for myself, my writing turned out to help others, but that was not the main goal. 

The main goal was to make a sort of diary with a totally truthful description of what I'm going thru, no matter how scary, frightening, dark, ugly and lethal it sometimes is.

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Bad Sad Day

I would think that I should be used to get my ass kicked by my sickness, but sometimes...

I was at job recruitment today for a meeting, and to make a long story short, I probably have to face, that I'll never be able to hold a full time job.
I had senced that, I also have stated to make other plans as well - but that was more long time scaled plans. I need at least 10 years or more before I can even get my mind around the thought.

But I was sitting there with my fiance, listening to what the Lady was telling me. To hear the words come out of her mouth, scared me big time. Even though I had the thought myself, it was just an idea for me. Not a direct plan.

However she could also offer sleeping classes. Sounds stupid? A bit maybe...

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Relax with prepared comfort food

I would like a guest writer on the next day's subject. I think we need good and nutritious food to get us thru hard days, and who else to ask than my friend, who knows a lot about food and growing your own veggies(?)

Let me tell you little about her, so she wont be a complete stranger for you.

She has been through mental diseases also, been let down from friends and family. Last time she was going under, we almost lost her.

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Diversion: Relaxation Music in the Radio

Music has a huge effect on us, and I'll stay on the subject for today as well.
I'm back in a period of bad sleeping, not sleeping at all, and it makes me nuts.

So I grabbed my music list on YouTube, just to discover, that many of the tracks were taken down or had adds on them, disturbing the sleep, when it finally came to me.

Then I remembered internet radio stations, and thought I would give you some links to pages, where you can select amongst a huge number of radios. So my first thought was; why not just send you a link list(?) 

My daughter told me, that she in fact not could stream a radio channel, so I better put up players, to make it easy for everyone.

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