A day with mom at the hospital

I haven't been nervous at all. If I thought about that I was going, it was thoughts about regular stuff, practical things. I had decided to take the train, since it stops right outside the hospital. The I'd avoid morning traffic and most import I would not have the stress of finding a parking spot. Well I got the excitement from taking the train anyway. So dressed in decent clothes (nothing flashy or overdressed) I'm now sitting in the train, rocking away to my destination. I'm annoyed with blogger app, cause I can't make decent updates, unless...

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Looking ill does not help you

I'm going with my mom to the hospital. To do that, I manage with several tools, where one of them is to look my best (at least ok) before I leave. I don't care about how other people dress.  This is one of my tools, pretending I don't feel like I feel. I think you find the most outstanding actors in people with anxiety and depression. We live it each and every day. But I'm going for my mom, and I'll be damned if I don't do my absolute best....

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My mother is sick

While I was at my friends place, I got a call that they have discovered "something" on one of her kidneys. It was late in the evening, so we waited to go until the next day. We had a quiet lunch, nothing sad about it. To my mom it hasn't really caught up yet. As for me... I don't know if it's my defence shield or something, but to me it can't be bad. It simply can't....

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I want to see my friend, but do not want to leave

It seemed like a great idea a week ago, but now I'd prefer it differently. We are going to visit an old school friend or mine. He is a true friend and an absolutely wonderful person. But now I don't want to go. I'll end up going any way, and as usual I'm sure, I'm going to have a great tim...

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Emotional support dog (ESA)

Who doesnt want to come home to a little cuddely friend who is SO happy to see you, cause you are their center of the whole universe.... One huge mistake so made several years ago, was to get an alarm installed in my house. It prevented me from having a pet, and I felt SO scared and alone it's indescribable. ...

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Chat rooms

I have been asked about chatrooms, and I've also been recommended to make one for this site. It's always great to get ideas from you all. I know that the wish to stay anonymous is important to many, so there's a lot if the current 18000+ readers I don't hear from. It would also be too overwhelming....

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I lost my GPS of my day

The end is near - almost. I lost my calendar somewhere, I have searched all over, it's no where to be found... And the idiotic part of the story is,  that I feel totally lost without it. I can't remember anything I haven't written down. I don't know time and date for my next doctors visit, dentist, surgery, appointments with friends or anything!...

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Hard moments during a day

There is certain times during a day, that's worse than others.  Of course days with panic attacks is the worst, but in the daily routine there's obstacles too. Getting up in the morning used to be a struggle, when I was living alone. Actually the worst was not as much to get up, as it was the thought of what I was going to do afterwards... Leaving the house pretending all day, that I'M FINE!!...

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Medication is making me wanna puke

I don't get a truck load of medication for anxiety and depression anymore.  That's by my choise, not the docs. It's my impression they would medicate my brain away, if they could decide....

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How does it feel to have a panic attack?

Panic attacks, aka anxiety attacks, often come suddenly and almost without warning. A panic attack ofcourse feels slightly different depending on the persons you ask, but most symptoms and feelings are the same. When I felt an anxiety attack the first time, I literally thought I was dying. My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear the heart beat in my ears. My chest started to tighten more and more, like I had an elephant sitting on me....

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A typical day with short time memory loss

As a side effect from PTSD I have short time memory loss. How do you get any work done with that? I'm about to say I don't get anything done, but that's not totally true. But I forget what I am doing. Easily....

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Does anybody's dreams ever come true?

Sometimes it seems like my dreams never will come true. I've lived so long trying to meet every expectation from my husband, then the children, and now... Nothing. A psychiatrist once asked me... What do YOU want? What are YOUR interests? I thought a long time about that, and I didn't know! Now I wish to move though. But I start to wonder, if that will ever happen before I die....

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Dissociating / Diversion

I've thought about the difference between dissociation and diversion. It may seem a bit alike, but in fact it's two totally different subjects. I've made some notes from a lot of reading, cause I think it's important to know the difference. Dissociation - when the mind and body "splits into two"... To be able to move focus from what's hurting, whether it's a psychological of physical pain. Some people can handle extreme pain by dissociatio...

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Overwhelming feelings

Thank you very much for your kind and heartwarming emails. I'm currently not writing much, I know, but don't worry, I'm hanging in there and am currently fighting off my own demons. I'm frustrated about a lot of stuff, and as usual, If there's too much, it's like clothes in a dryer, rolling around in a big mess. And I can't seem to find the button to turn it off. But it's the "normal" stuff like Will I ever get better? What about employment? Can...

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect. But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music. I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting. There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while....

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Stop yelling at me

If not everything is my fault, how come do I always come to be the bad guy? What the he'll have I done to deserve to be yelled at, ignored and interrupted? Don't you think I'd prefer not to be sick? How do you think I feel about not having a job? How do you think it is to be scared of stuff that goes on in my mind? Do you really have to remind me? Do you hate me so damn much, that you feel the need to put me down further?...

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A basket full of stone..

During bad days I sometimes reflect on moments in my life, that was difficult, but I got thru them. We were having some huge problems in the family several years ago. One part would not accept the invitation for my son's baptize, if the other part came. They forced me to chose. Yeah right, that's really an annoying place to be in. I talked with the priest and he told me this story... ...

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I'm having some really bad days

I seem to be stuck at a platform between a deep hole of depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and the top where I feel fine. I can't get outta here, I'm stuck, but there's not much space, so either I manage to reach the top or I fall. So for now I just let everything rest and stand still, and hope to get further up each day I wake up. I know what's wrong. It's a nobrainer:  My committee of sleep is not working on anythin, they are...

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Why I chose to be Anonymous

Give a man a mask, and he'll tell you the truth - the quote goes something like that.  And now I found it... :-) It's not that I, under normal circumstances, feel that I'm a really bad person (but when I'm depressed), I'm not ashamed of being sick or ashamed to have the feelings I have. But if I knew my children would find this by searching my name, or people who will take advantage of that knowledge could find it, I would always weigh...

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Bad Sad Day

I would think that I should be used to get my ass kicked by my sickness, but sometimes... I was at job recruitment today for a meeting, and to make a long story short, I probably have to face, that I'll never be able to hold a full time job. I had senced that, I also have stated to make other plans as well - but that was more long time scaled plans. I need at least 10 years or more before I can even get my mind around the thought. But I was sitting...

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Relax with prepared comfort food

I would like a guest writer on the next day's subject. I think we need good and nutritious food to get us thru hard days, and who else to ask than my friend, who knows a lot about food and growing your own veggies(?) Let me tell you little about her, so she wont be a complete stranger for you. She has been through mental diseases also, been let down from friends and family. Last time she was going under, we almost lost her. ...

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Diversion: Relaxation Music in the Radio

Music has a huge effect on us, and I'll stay on the subject for today as well. I'm back in a period of bad sleeping, not sleeping at all, and it makes me nuts. So I grabbed my music list on YouTube, just to discover, that many of the tracks were taken down or had adds on them, disturbing the sleep, when it finally came to me. Then I remembered internet radio stations, and thought I would give you some links to pages, where you can select amongst...

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