Pornography shows its ugly face

After the worst excuses for buying sex toys I have ever heard, the storm calmed down. His excuses was simply too embarrassing! Hes a grown man, not a 6 years old!

The bad excuses mad me feel even worse. 'Did he really think, I was stupid.'

I simply shut up, thered no reason to continue a argument like that.

A month or 2 later, I was collecting our pictures from the phones on an external hard drive, and meanwhile looking at pictures and short movieclips of our old diseased dog.

Amongst all those happy memories, I suddenly had a porn movie on the screen.

First I thought it was an error, an ad or something, but then the next, and the next came up.

The cold swathes started and my fingers was already shaking. My brain was working on overload, thinking a million thoughts at the same time. It felt like my head was gonna explode.

I checked the date and time with my own calendar, and surprise...

My oh so supportive boyfriend, who went with me to all the hospital visits, who sat beside med and was oh so tired, he had to leave early from the hospitalto get some sleep. And meanwhile I felt so sorry for him for being so tired, and felt bad for taking up so much extra of his time.

THAT sweet boyfriend, who made me feel like such a burden on him, he had time to download porn morning, noon and night!

Don't worry, he was certainly playing with his toys.

I remembered, when I came home from the hospital and was not physically able to go to second floor, he spend SO much time upstairs making cigarettes. Otherwise he was SO tired, he had to take a nap, and I was alone most time in the sofa in front of the TV. 

I remember I felt so left out, cause he barely talked with med or spend any time with me, even though he had the days off. Most of the time he spend upstairs. 

Now I know why.

And you know what? 

He tells me, it's my own fault. 

My stomach was hurting after surgery yeah, but not for 2 damn years!

Then he then claimed, he didn't know, I was ready!

Hello!! We went to a sex store together on MY suggestion.

I felt really bad and this time I packed my clothes. 

Never ever in my life have any man made me feed so bad about myself 

I'm sick, I can't work anymore, and apparently I'm not attractive enough anymore either.

I felt so disgusted with myself, and also disgusted by the thought of what he had been doing upstairs, while I couldn't move!

I felt an uncontrollable insanity had processed my body.

I confronted him and told him that, and started with all his excuses, but this time it was finally ME who was shouting

I hate you for making me feel like that. 

I hate you for what you have done to us. 

Done to me, done to my self esteem.

My trust in you is long gone and I dont even want to try anymore.

It's an unfair 'game,' when he acts so selfish. He has been working on having sex with his porn girls and HIS toys for HIM SELF  - while I was working WITH HIM  and used MY spare money US and sexy lingerie.

It would had been cheaper just to buy a dildo, if that's what I wanted. 

We apparently didn't even have the same goals anymore.

I din't wanna ask him any more. I still need an explanation, the truth, but I don't want to hear any other stupid excuses.

So once again we had a long periode with polite conversation, until I finally started to feel a bit better again.

Meanwhile he also assured me, that he had thrown out everything and totally given up porn.

Well... What do YOU think?