Looking ill does not help you

I'm going with my mom to the hospital. To do that, I manage with several tools, where one of them is to look my best (at least ok) before I leave.

I don't care about how other people dress.  This is one of my tools, pretending I don't feel like I feel.
I think you find the most outstanding actors in people with anxiety and depression. We live it each and every day.

But I'm going for my mom, and I'll be damned if I don't do my absolute best. And to have the confidence to do that, I need to look decent.

I have told you about my "fear" of showering, probably caused by me not wanting to feel cold at any time...

Well no matter my "fear of getting cold", I allways feel much better after a shower.

Especially if I take my time to do it, and do it all like cleansing my skin, cutting my nails and puts on makeup afterwards (if you normally like that.)
I have noticed that this definitely makes me feel better.
But it's a fight, especially now when the temperature outside is so low. My hair takes forever to dry, so I need a warm room, not to put on a raincoat an get even more wet and cold.

However this is definitely something I recommend. If you on the other hand hated the very sight of yourself in each mirror you pass, it's definitely not helping the mood.

When I go outside, I always make sure, I look presentable. As "the Farmer" says: "I don't do sick person."
I try to live by that saying of hers, because she is a real fighter. She refuses to let this disease win.
So do yourself a favour, get up and take a bath, feel the warm water comfort you.
Get dressed in normal clothes, no jogging suits, sweat pants, but normal everyday clothes, and get out there and fight it, if you in any way can.

I'm definitely not "doing sick person" in front of my mom if I can help it. So I'll do my best to look like I'm totally fine and she doesn't have to worry about me too.
Take care out there :-)

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My mother is sick

While I was at my friends place, I got a call that they have discovered "something" on one of her kidneys.

It was late in the evening, so we waited to go until the next day.

We had a quiet lunch, nothing sad about it. To my mom it hasn't really caught up yet. As for me... I don't know if it's my defence shield or something, but to me it can't be bad. It simply can't.

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I want to see my friend, but do not want to leave

It seemed like a great idea a week ago, but now I'd prefer it differently.

We are going to visit an old school friend or mine. He is a true friend and an absolutely wonderful person.

But now I don't want to go. I'll end up going any way, and as usual I'm sure, I'm going to have a great time.

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Emotional support dog (ESA)

Who doesnt want to come home to a little cuddely friend who is SO happy to see you, cause you are their center of the whole universe....

One huge mistake so made several years ago, was to get an alarm installed in my house. It prevented me from having a pet, and I felt SO scared and alone it's indescribable. 

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Chat rooms

I have been asked about chatrooms, and I've also been recommended to make one for this site.

It's always great to get ideas from you all. I know that the wish to stay anonymous is important to many, so there's a lot if the current 18000+ readers I don't hear from.

It would also be too overwhelming.

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I lost my GPS of my day

The end is near - almost.
I lost my calendar somewhere, I have searched all over, it's no where to be found... And the idiotic part of the story is,  that I feel totally lost without it.

I can't remember anything I haven't written down. I don't know time and date for my next doctors visit, dentist, surgery, appointments with friends or anything!

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Hard moments during a day

There is certain times during a day, that's worse than others. 

Of course days with panic attacks is the worst, but in the daily routine there's obstacles too.

Getting up in the morning used to be a struggle, when I was living alone. Actually the worst was not as much to get up, as it was the thought of what I was going to do afterwards... Leaving the house pretending all day, that I'M FINE!!!!

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Medication is making me wanna puke

I don't get a truck load of medication for anxiety and depression anymore. 

That's by my choise, not the docs. It's my impression they would medicate my brain away, if they could decide.

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How does it feel to have a panic attack?

Panic attacks, aka anxiety attacks, often come suddenly and almost without warning.
A panic attack ofcourse feels slightly different depending on the persons you ask, but most symptoms and feelings are the same.

When I felt an anxiety attack the first time, I literally thought I was dying.
My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear the heart beat in my ears. My chest started to tighten more and more, like I had an elephant sitting on me. I gasped for breath, I was sure I was having a heart attack.

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A typical day with short time memory loss

As a side effect from PTSD I have short time memory loss.
How do you get any work done with that?

I'm about to say I don't get anything done, but that's not totally true.

But I forget what I am doing. Easily.

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Does anybody's dreams ever come true?

Sometimes it seems like my dreams never will come true. I've lived so long trying to meet every expectation from my husband, then the children, and now... Nothing.
A psychiatrist once asked me... What do YOU want? What are YOUR interests?
I thought a long time about that, and I didn't know!

Now I wish to move though. But I start to wonder, if that will ever happen before I die.

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Dissociating / Diversion

I've thought about the difference between dissociation and diversion. It may seem a bit alike, but in fact it's two totally different subjects. I've made some notes from a lot of reading, cause I think it's important to know the difference.

Dissociation
- when the mind and body "splits into two"...
To be able to move focus from what's hurting, whether it's a psychological of physical pain. Some people can handle extreme pain by dissociation. 

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Overwhelming feelings

Thank you very much for your kind and heartwarming emails. I'm currently not writing much, I know, but don't worry, I'm hanging in there and am currently fighting off my own demons.

I'm frustrated about a lot of stuff, and as usual, If there's too much, it's like clothes in a dryer, rolling around in a big mess.
And I can't seem to find the button to turn it off.

But it's the "normal" stuff like
Will I ever get better?
What about employment?
Can I control my anger, which is new to me?

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect.

But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music.
I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting.
There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while. But here's a couple to get started.
I would be more than happy, if you'll share your favorites with me, then I'll add them to the list, if I think its beneficial for all.
Happy listening!

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