Nothing left to say

On top of being alone and isolated all the time, not just because of Corona, but because I had to sell my car. Being isolated is quite nomal for me.

And on top of being ignored, shouted at, frozen out, left alone, told to move out, finding porn and sexual pleasurement for males in the bedroom, my Saturday went as follows...

Today we had one fight in the afternoon, caused by his lies.

In the evening, I thought we should be watching a movie together. Instead he was paying more attention to his phone.

Late in the evening, he complained, his cloud was full, and asked me to empty it.

And full it was, but not much by pictures of any of us. Nope, the reason for the big storage use on his cloud was porn.

I left my spot at the computer immediately, told him to remove it, and went out of the room.

I downloaded half a year, then I found porn again. 3 hours of that dirt in a row. 

I just got up without a word and left the room. Sat down on the staircase looking out on the snow in the garden. It felt like I could hear every heart beat in my body brushing in my ears, and I was shaking all over. My God, how can he do this to me?

I came back 15 minutes later and sat down in front of the TV.

He told me, he had removed all the stuff, also pictures out of focus.

I simply couldn't handle any more reminders of the obvious fact, that I'm not good enough, and told him so.

There must have been 20-24 hours of porn in his cloud.

Later on he told me he was sorry.

Give me a break, this is not the first time. Removing history from his account right after I found it the first time, is so obviously an act to hide, what he is doing. Why hide it, if you are not doing something worth hiding. Now I know why he goes to work early!

He simply insults my intelligence, otherwise he is the most stupid or naive man on the planet to think any woman would fall for that one!

Well, I'm sorry, he doesn't find me attractive and told him that. After everything he has said and done, I simply cannot see anyway back to what we have lost. 

I can't for my life find any more words to say!

I don't trust him, I dispise his tase for girls, geez, they are at my daughters age.

I recent his need to send lovely heart-greetings and hugging bears to every girl on his friends list, but me. I could go on, but it weighs heavily on my shoulder.

I sat down an listened to a lot of music, I was shaking all over. Depression is right on my shoulder and anxiety has already possessed me, so I'll leave the word to the songwriters of "Impossible", Arnthor Birgisson and Ina Christine Wroldsen.

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love, I did

And you were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot, I did

And now

When all is done, there is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won, you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible