I Have The Worst Panic Attack This Morning

My little girl is on a sleep over at a friend. My boy is still sleeping. I'm in my "safe spot", which is the sofa, and I have managed to fire up the fireplace and make chamomile tea.
But anxiety is eating me up right now. I try to write my feelings out at the moment.
I'm so scared about the future. What will come next(?) It doesn't really feel like life has been good to us lately.
Will I ever be able to get on the other side of this(?)

There's so many thoughts building up inside...
I have to go to an examination to get my uterus checked after I had my Violent Hemorrhage.
Is there something wrong, since I had that - is that "something" the cause of my Miscarriage(?) Or is it after the abortion, something went wrong(?)

And what about the house(?) Will I be able to handle such a big house on my own(?) Or should I sell it and buy another smaller house(?) Even the thought of moving stresses me out. We have SO much stuff, packing it down seems like a never ending task. Not only our own stuff, but also the stuff from my ex boyfriend, and all the stuff we have, after the death of  the childrens father.

And will we ever be able to get our pictures back(?) I have - again - written a mail to my ex boyfriend in that matter, and of course I have still got no answer.

God, I cant handle all the shit right now, I will allow myself to escape to another place for a moment, and hope that I after a little while will manage to get rid of the anxiety and be able to get some stuff done in the house.

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him.
After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either.

On the top of the piano, there's a sculpture made by my boy (I have to admit, that I don't really know what it is *smile*) - and a candlestick, also made by my boy, which is very beautiful. Both things was gifts for my boyfriend, but he didn't take those things with him.

So I guess now I see even more clearly, what was actually important to him. Or... Put in another way: I see what was NOT important to him.

The computer he cleaned out totally - look for yourself. I had this picture anyway, cause I am now in touch with my attorney to get my files back.
THATS what was important to him.
Computer hardware, that you can buy in any store!
Unique items, that children, that find you special enough to make a gift for you - that means nothing to him.
How cold and hardened can you be, when you find a gift from a child non important(?) 

I don't care about the hardware he took. I care about the files on that hardware. As I wrote before, it concerns not just files, the most important is pictures. Pictures from the last 10 years. And he still has not send it to me.

I realize, that we (the children and me) were not special to him. We meant nothing. We were just "tools".

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Despite Of Anxiety I Got Out Of The House

I haven't been able to do much during my vacation. I have  a lot of plans, but I can't seem to find the energy or desire to make the work. I prefer to curl up in a corner of the sofa and sit under a big blanket, watch a movie, that I do not really follow - or escape into other places in computer games.
We went to my parents for a break from the surroundings at home. And it has been both good and less good to be there. Good because I don't have to worry about shopping, figuring out what to serve for dinner, cook etc.
Still the desire just to escape from the real world is there. I don't have the desire to be with other people or get out of the house. Noise is annoying me, I just prefer to be left alone.
However something should happen, and we decided to go to the movies. Well, the children and my mom decided, I just followed. As the time came closer to the moment, where we had to leave the house and get out into "the real world", I felt my anxiety building slowly but surely. I really had to force myself to think about it as a positive thing, instead of making my thoughts focus on excuses not to go.

When we finally got to the cinema, I got a rush of the feeling of missing my boyfriend. He should be there with us, like he always used to be. I missed him, but I managed to find my Psychologist tool: "remember what he did to you" - and then it was over.

We had a great evening. We were watching Gulliver's Travels btw, and had a lot of laughs. After the movie I felt better actually. Getting out, doing something, getting new input, that's really good for me. I know that, but its just a fight to do it each time.
But they say, that time heals all wounds - I know its true. I just wish it would go a little bit more fast!

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Valentines Day Without a Love

So it was valentines day yesterday. Everywhere you go you see the advertisements, send flowers, cards, chocolates to your love...  Prepare a wonderful dinner for your love, invite your love out for at wonderful dinner...
Thank you, and when you don't have a loved one to share this with, it really feels like the advertisements is just trying to blast it in your face.

All day I had to fight my self not to send a mail to my ex boyfriend. I kept telling myself, that what I miss, it didn't even exist. To me the love between us was wonderful and I saw us having a beautiful future together. I was left in the most horrible way, and he ignored me totally, until he could use something from me.
Whether he really is a psychopath, a narcissist, or simply has an empathy disorder - it doesn't really matter. I need to focus on the tools from my Psychologist,"remember what he did to you."
And do I really want a boyfriend like that? Absolutely not.
But still, I miss the dream of the future, that we had. I had something to look forward to. However that was not true to him, and I need to remember that.

So now I guess, that what I miss, is that special one. The one who gives me true love. The one who respects me for what I am, with all the errors and mistakes that comes with being human. The one I can tell anything, without being scared of his reaction. The one who is my best friend, that I can share everything with - good days, as well as bad days.
Even though I am not ready to find a new love - I'm still licking my wounds - but I really hope he is out there somewhere...

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Visit From Social Services

Wednesday I got a letter from Social Services, telling me nothing, but they wanted to come to a meeting at my house today.
I actually expected that it would come at some point, so I was not surprised, but anxiety immediately took over, when I saw, that there was a letter from Social Services.
I called my mom, and told her... "I have a letter here, I'm too scared to open it - I need you in the phone, when I do that." The letter explained nothing, just that they had a cause to visit me and my family, and that it would be today.

The lady from Socials had tried to reach me many times during the day on the phone, but my work phone was always busy - so she called my private cell phone. Geez - how much can you multitask(?)
She was however very nice, and she came because they knew, that I have had a nervous breakdown and been suicidal. Meanwhile the kids had been away from the home and attended other schools. So she simply was interested to hear, how we have landed on our feet after so many traumatic experiences.

However, to make a very long story short: the Social Services found, that we handle things fine our selves, and they are very satisfied with the outcome. She decided to close the case.

The point is, that stuff like this is able to bring me into complete fear. Anxiety takes over, even for just little stuff like this. I really hope, that I will be able to get my panic attacks under control at some point...

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Psychologist Visit 5 - Anxiety Has Control!

My Psychologist started the meeting with asking me, how its going with my weight and eating.
The very thought of food, cooking and eating makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with food at all.
My Psychologist wanted to focus on that. First of all because my weight is critical, but secondly also because - as I had told him - I loved to cook before. I was good at it, and I could spend hours in the kitchen and loved it.
Apparently there's other problems connected to "food", than just lack of appetite and a hidden wish to die.

To cut to the main case, he found, that my problem with food is not actually "with food."
It's simply because when we sit down at the dinner table in the evening, it is totally obvious, that there's a person missing. In my thoughts, we are not a family, because we lack the father figure of the family. This again makes my mind go to the thought, that the future, I had in my mind, is gone. And now I see no future.
That "thought circle" triggers my anxiety, and when anxiety takes control, the normal reaction is "to run." To try to escape from whatever scares you.
Escape can be done in many ways. Computer gaming (another world), drinking, medication, drugs....

However, as it is right now, my anxiety is controlling me. My condition is controlling me. We need to twist that around. I need to take control, and that's not going to be an easy task.


My "task" sort of speak, until the next Psychologist session, is to sit down at the dinner table and eat. In the beginning just even for a minute... Try to sense what is going on inside my body, and separate that, from what is going on in my mind. Feel the emotions and at the same time feel what my physical state is telling me!!!
If I can...
As My Psychologist said, it's not an easy task. It will be damn hard, and it will require me to stay put in a position, where my whole system is twisting and tells me "I should not be here."
So... Wish me luck

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Panic Attacks - How Does It Feel(?)

I have experienced panic attacks before, but after my mental breakdown, I get them a lot. My friend and neighbor has seen me have panic attacks several times. I think it scared her a lot the first time she saw it, and I wonder, if people in general know, how awful it is - how it feels...
Perhaps its different from person to person, I can only TRY to describe, how it feels for me. To describe it is actually difficult, since the fear takes full control of my mind and body, and I'm not totally aware of my condition in the moment, but here goes...

I feel I cant breathe, like an elephant was sitting on my chest.
My heart is pounding so hard, that I think it will explode or jump out of my body.
I shake all over my body, the fear is incredible.
I want to run away, but there's nowhere to run.
Most often, I feel like vomiting, but not always. And that's usually "after" the attack, or in the end of it.
It's so painful. I have given birth to 2 wonderful children, but there's no comparison to that. I can't tell you, where it hurts. Just that it hurts, and the pain is incredible.
I want to scream out loud, but at the same time my body wants to crumble together - locked somehow. I get the desire to smash my head or my fist into a wall... Just to make the pain go away...! 

Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack)

Well, wikipedia has a description of a panic attack, some of it I have quoted above. I can only second that!

Since I experience panic attacks often, I know what it is, and I am able to (somewhat) during the attack, to realize, what is going on. However its equally frightening each time, and during a panic attack I will do anything to make the pain go away.

Looking at it from an "outside" view it can seem insane to want to smash your head into a wall, to make the pain go away! All I can tell you is, that I agree! That sounds insane from an outside view, because that would only cause more pain to the body.
However, during a panic attack, I really am in panic! It's so difficult to describe, but I have tried anyway. The desire to smash my head or fist into a wall, to cut myself, to do something painful to my body..... It comes from panic attacks being so painful in itself, that channeling the pain into something else - like physical pain - seems to be the only "way out".

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Keeping focus: I Had a Mental Breakdown

I try to keep focus on the fact, that I'm sick, as my Psychologist told me. I try to keep my ambition level to a minimum, wash clothes, do shopping, make dinner. Keep the family going, and not have any other ambitions than that.
Other than that, it still hunts me, that I could be treated like that, from a man that I loved SO much. And still get treated like a shit - nothing - it's like I never excisted!
I continued  my research, and I found this:

You probably feel like you have been through an emotional meat-grinder, like your soul is just raw and bleeding hamburger. (This is not said in humor since one victim described how she felt exactly that way!)
You met someone who was charming, talented and eloquent who most likely made you feel like a million bucks. And then, suddenly, at some point (usually beginning at the first moment you disagreed with him or her), you were made to feel like week-old garbage.
Hoping to restore the purity of that paradise you thought you were living in, you try everything you can think of to make it work, including closing your eyes and mind to the often vicious behavior of that person who is no longer the person you knew.  You just want the original person back; you believe that he or she is there, buried inside, behind some wall of hurt that only you can heal.  You may even see this original person from time to time, when you’ve had just enough to push you away for good – for just long enough to get you to stay and try again.
Little by little, you have to admit to yourself that what you are experiencing cannot be explained away by someone who is acting out of hurt; that what you are experiencing is just pure evil.
Charming, seductive and eloquent they are, and they use all those abilities when lying, manipulating and betraying. Psychopaths and narcissists can slash a path of human misery through lives of dozens, or hundreds, and even thousands, of people.
They bring pain and suffering to nearly everyone they touch.
( http://friedgreentomatoes.org/ )

 Well, that helps the understanding - I hope to find the "healing" somewhere in all this research.

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After my mental breakdown I felt numb, I wish...

After I had my mental breakdown, or nervous breakdown - whatever they call it - I felt numb. Like feeling nothing at all, I was just a zombie, or a robot, doing what I had to do.

Right now I wish I was back in that place, where I feel numb. Depression has hit me hard, and I get the worst anxiety attacks.

There's so much practical stuff, that I wish I could do, but just the thought of it makes me scared. I feel I should just command my body to get moving and get stuff done - but I cant.
The Psychologist said, that I should accept, that I am sick - but... That is really difficult. Both to accept it, but also practically. I'm alone, and I need to take care of the children. My neighbor stops by almost daily, and its nice to have an adult to talk with - but I really wish I was not alone with all the responsibilities that comes with taking care of the children and the house.
Practically I have difficulties with being sick, there's task that I need to do. But I can't find the energy, desire or motivation to do it.

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Personal note: Cutting My Self

I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now. 
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.

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I Have No Desire Or Motivation To Do Anything

I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. A little task like making tea can seem totally overwhelming. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower...
I literally have to force myself to do it.

I feel like being nothing for my children. I wish so bad that I could do more for them, do something with them, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything.

I feel like my doctor told me: "when so much has happened to you, its totally understandable, that you get the thought: if this is life, I have had enough. Goodbye and thank you!"

Fortunately my daughter is going for a sleep over tonight, so she does not have to see mommy sitting around looking empty out in the air. My boy is going out with some friends, so fortunately they are having some fun elsewhere.

I feel like a shit for not being able to do anything with them. Life seem like being only from one problem to the next. Happiness is non existing anywhere, and well - if I have one desire at all, it should be to "check out". But I can't do that to my children - so there's no way out anywhere.
I'm scared like shit, that I will not be able to fight this battle.

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Personal - Violent Haemorrhage

I got scared today. I was on the phone during a car drive. When I got off the car, I felt something running down my legs...
I told the person, that I was on the phone with, to call my collegue.
I felt something running down my legs, like when I had the miscarriage. I was scared as hell.
When I got into my lab building, I thought I would be alone - but I saw my co-leader there, sitting at the meeting table in my office. My co-leader and me, there's nothing between us, but the desire to make the plants running.
However we have both been involved in each others bad times, when that was nessesary.
But this time...
I was rushing to the toilet, and my friend of course knew that something was up.
Because I am too thin, I wear 2 sets of pants, the ones on the inside on that day, was sportswear - white.
It was totally obvious, that something bad happened, there was blood everywhere. I was bleeding through both the inside pants and my work pants (which fortunately is black.) But there was a blood trail following me, so...
My co-leader suggested, "well, its just your period" - well - he is a man - I told him, that I have had my period since I was 15, and nothing like this has ever happened before.
He wanted to drive me home, but well - Im an independent woman, I did it myself. Stupid!!!
I got to the personal doctor in time, she examined me and didn't find anything wrong besides my poor physical state in general (weight.)
Well, great...
I think Ill try to eat something now... See ya

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Personal Note - Have We Lost Our Pictures (?)

I'm scared that the children and me has lost our pictures and movie clips of the children and our family from the last decade of our life.
My ex boyfriend took all the hard drives in December, and even though he promised to send the files to me, we have not received anything.
I send him a mail the 27. January, and asked for answers for several things - and that I would like an answer within a week. Of course I didn't get an answer.

I tried to talk with his brother about it through Skype, but I feel him hostile to me, so I can only guess, what my ex is telling his family about me!
In that regard, I just have to remember, what the Psychologist told me: "don't worry about what he tells his family. If they are a little smart, they remember how you were, and they can just take a look at his actions and how he has treated you lately."
So... I try not to worry too much about that.

As I wrote... Today the week is up, and this time I have send him a mail concerning nothing else, but my wish to get the files, especially the pictures and movie clips of the children.

I remember some of our latest "conversations". I guess its a month ago now, that we last had a real conversation. My ex was constantly accusing me for "playing games" with him.
I don't see any "games" anywhere...
Or maybe that is exactly what it is - to him, I mean! A game!
Yet another way to make us "suffer."
The thoughts from the results of my research comes back: A Psychopath has no consciousness, and therefore deep down he does not care at all, that other people feels bad.

I hate, that I had to contact him again, I would really like this to be over with. I just don't want to have lost all the pictures and movie clips of the children. The thought is really scaring me, and I think my ex knows that, and has some kind of "joy" out of not sending us our files.
So I start to think: "have we lost our pictures(?)"

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Psychologist Visit 4 - Remember What He Did to You

My thoughts is still primary focused on how a person I loved so much, could treat me like this - and since he could do that, I must be a horrible person.

My Psychologist started to break down the whole episode into little pieces, and talked with me about those events:
My boyfriend knew, that I had already been through a lot this year, and even so, he apparently couldn't accept, that those events of course had a huge effect on me and the children.


The Sunday, my boyfriend left, the last conversation we had together, was about me wishing, that he would get back to language classes, perhaps part time - and the study at the engineering school, taking some classes with people, that had the same interests as him. After that he chose to leave. I was trying to do something good for him, but maybe he saw it as a demand. We will never know, my work for now is to focus on the fact, that I was trying to do something positive - and my boyfriend chose to leave.

So no matter that my boyfriend knew, that I was in a very fragile state, he chose to leave his pregnant woman and the children, without any kind of warning or decent talk about it at all.
My boyfriend knew, that we could not handle the dog, but still let it up to us to deal with it.
He also knew, that I was still suffering from the miscarriage, and even so he send me mails and demanded, that I got an abortion.
And he let me deal with the abortion alone.
After that he comes back with the car, packs some stuff and takes all the computer equipment with him, including all the pictures and movies of the children, their dead father... All the pictures we have - and he doesn't even send us the files.
Now he got what he wanted - and after that he ignores me totally!

The tool, I should use, is to think about those facts - when I miss my boyfriend.
And when I think, that I am a horrible person, I should remember what he did to me...

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