Stop yelling at me

If not everything is my fault, how come do I always come to be the bad guy?
What the he'll have I done to deserve to be yelled at, ignored and interrupted?

Don't you think I'd prefer not to be sick?
How do you think I feel about not having a job?
How do you think it is to be scared of stuff that goes on in my mind?
Do you really have to remind me?
Do you hate me so damn much, that you feel the need to put me down further?

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A basket full of stone..

During bad days I sometimes reflect on moments in my life, that was difficult, but I got thru them.

We were having some huge problems in the family several years ago.

One part would not accept the invitation for my son's baptize, if the other part came.
They forced me to chose.
Yeah right, that's really an annoying place to be in.

I talked with the priest and he told me this story...

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I'm having some really bad days

I seem to be stuck at a platform between a deep hole of depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and the top where I feel fine.

I can't get outta here, I'm stuck, but there's not much space, so either I manage to reach the top or I fall.

So for now I just let everything rest and stand still, and hope to get further up each day I wake up.

I know what's wrong. It's a nobrainer: 

My committee of sleep is not working on anythin, they are apparently on strike.

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Why I chose to be Anonymous

Give a man a mask, and he'll tell you the truth - the quote goes something like that. 

And now I found it... :-)

It's not that I, under normal circumstances, feel that I'm a really bad person (but when I'm depressed), I'm not ashamed of being sick or ashamed to have the feelings I have.

But if I knew my children would find this by searching my name, or people who will take advantage of that knowledge could find it, I would always weigh my words and be careful not to make it sound too bad and paint a more pretty picture.

But it would all be a lie. And then there would be no reason to write for me or anybody else...

I write for myself, my writing turned out to help others, but that was not the main goal. 

The main goal was to make a sort of diary with a totally truthful description of what I'm going thru, no matter how scary, frightening, dark, ugly and lethal it sometimes is.

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Bad Sad Day

I would think that I should be used to get my ass kicked by my sickness, but sometimes...

I was at job recruitment today for a meeting, and to make a long story short, I probably have to face, that I'll never be able to hold a full time job.
I had senced that, I also have stated to make other plans as well - but that was more long time scaled plans. I need at least 10 years or more before I can even get my mind around the thought.

But I was sitting there with my fiance, listening to what the Lady was telling me. To hear the words come out of her mouth, scared me big time. Even though I had the thought myself, it was just an idea for me. Not a direct plan.

However she could also offer sleeping classes. Sounds stupid? A bit maybe...

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Relax with prepared comfort food

I would like a guest writer on the next day's subject. I think we need good and nutritious food to get us thru hard days, and who else to ask than my friend, who knows a lot about food and growing your own veggies(?)

Let me tell you little about her, so she wont be a complete stranger for you.

She has been through mental diseases also, been let down from friends and family. Last time she was going under, we almost lost her.

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Diversion: Relaxation Music in the Radio

Music has a huge effect on us, and I'll stay on the subject for today as well.
I'm back in a period of bad sleeping, not sleeping at all, and it makes me nuts.

So I grabbed my music list on YouTube, just to discover, that many of the tracks were taken down or had adds on them, disturbing the sleep, when it finally came to me.

Then I remembered internet radio stations, and thought I would give you some links to pages, where you can select amongst a huge number of radios. So my first thought was; why not just send you a link list(?) 

My daughter told me, that she in fact not could stream a radio channel, so I better put up players, to make it easy for everyone.

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Diversion: Relax your mind with music

There's so many types of music, and just the same people like different styles.
Personally I listen to almost all kinds of music, but always something that reflects my mood.
I chose however not to select sad music, but either something to relax me, or something to make me active.

I've tried all kinds of music labelled "sounds of nature".
For the fun of it, I want to give you a bit if a warning though; I woke up on night by the sounds of a frog cracking very loud! Pretty annoying at that moment, since I suffer so hard of insomnia, but also quite hilarious.So when choosing music like that, it can be a pretty darn good idea to listen to all of it before you lay down to sleep, cause...

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Diversion: Relax your mind with a movie UPD

Latest update; 01.12.2018

TV SERIES

The Mentalist

An american tv show about a man who is able to read bodylanguage and any kind of the human mind to make people confess or to find a killer.

More entertaining than educational, but definately worth to recommend. I streamed the full show while I was committed the 3d time.

Mr. Monk

Here the defective detective, that you either must love (or hate I guess)

This gentleman has been thru a traumatic event and cant leave his house without his assistant (and nurse). It a fun way to desctibe the diseases, however not so realistic. But its definately worth to give a try.

Good Witch

Lets get some sweets, without any excitement on the TV and watch the charming witch in her lovely little society. Really sweet and relaxing, love it.

MOVIES

Mr. Jones

- was the first movie about mental diseases I watched. At the time my diagnose was simple: severe anxiety and depression; a total mental breakdown.
I had just seen the doc and got some meds, that I was sacred to take. Then the Oracle arrived; mom. She convinced me, that I would not get "high" and I could take my medication without being scared of that.
When she went home, this movie had just started, and this was actually my first insight with mental disease.

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Off day - take a load off and relax

It's a bad day for me, seriously. The way up from the deep hole of depression,  anxiety and mental breakdown is not straight forward. Sometimes you loose your grip an slide downwards, so there's only one thing to do: keep working on beating this horrible disease.

Meanwhile I need a break sometimes, something to loosen up the senses. A total mental breakdown takes all your energy to fight, it turns into a big knot of soar muscles, so it's only natural, that the body needs a day off.

It's normally my senses that overloads. Too many impressions, confusion, noise, people talking, shimmering lights, and since I'm HSP also other people's feelings.

When I'm overloaded with emotions and impressions, I curl up in my safe spot, and I started to wonder...

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I'm so scared, what if I panic, what do I do?

When we try to live with our anxiety, we will, no matter what, come face to face with our fear and the risk of having panic attacks.

Do you wanna run, or do you wanna fight?

I personally have to decide this for each and everything I do, because no day is like yesterday. What I did yesterday, I might not be able to do today. It depends on so many factors, but the important is to feel thoroughly, what you think is a realistic goal to set for the day:

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Escape from reality

When hit by adrenalin, your body freeze for a split second. Sounds gets more intense, your vision sharpens and your whole body is in "red alert."

You can't run away from this no matter what, cause the fear us not from an outside attack, it's all inside you.

You can however TRY to escape in so many other different ways, I've personally tried several:
Gaming, create your own world, where you are in control
Medication, makes you chemically feel better until the effect wears off, but you can only get it in a limited time.
Drugs (medicine bought at the black market - or other drugs I don't really know), also used by many, a form of escape like the medication.

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Fear

Fear is a normal feeling, it's a part of the survival instinct - self preservation. It's under normal conditions not a problem. Fear of snakes, spiders, heights etc. we frequently hear about, and it doesn't effect the lives of people in any real way.

But fear as an illness can be disabling, and there's not really a clear line you can draw between the rational and the irrational fear. It depends of the individual.
I often felt ridiculous, when I tried to explain my fear, and even though people try hard, they never really understand.
I have been afraid of the mail man, when the phone rang, when someone knocked on the door... If I finally went outside my house, I couldn't visit some of our friends because of the stairs. This is an example of fear (of heights) becoming irrational.

I think the way to "classify" the difference is when the fear has such an effect on you, that you are disabled in doing daily tasks. When your fear prevents you from having a normal family life.

The natural effect of fear is that the body immediately sends out a shot of adrenalin. You freeze shortky, then run. The last resort is fight.

I try to become friends with my anxiety, well not exactly, rather I try to learn to live with it
When I reach the point where fear is just about to take over, I try to stop exactly where I am, and stay in my feelings for that moment.
I cover my ears and face and sit down on my knees, feel the rushing effect of the adrenalin, what it does to MY body. The first time it was really overwhelming.  So many ferlings in a world of chaos, it took all my willpower to stay in it, and not run away, even though my whole body was screaming to get out of there.
When I'm more calm, I still sit there, but with the intend to figure out what exactly triggered a panic attack.

Like...
Wednesday I go to the hospital.
What if I can't sleep and am too tired to drive(?)
I take the train.
But at the train station there's huge stairs and a long bridge with glass to all sides - it's scary. How do you handle that(?)
Use my fear to get over the bridge. Pretend someone is after you an run like hell.
You did that before, ended up crying in a corner until people got your fiance on the phone, and you ended up in your safe spot for 3 days. Do you want that(?)

We all have our fears, and don't ever let anyone put you down because of that. There's no right or wrong fears. Your fear is as "real" as fear of flying for instance. Just because it's more common to be afraid of heights or spiders, it's no more or less normal.

I have chosen to fight my fear. I can't run away from it anyway - cause how do you run away from yourself???

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Living with anxiety 4 & 5 - esteem...

Part 4 and 5 is pretty much focused on self esteem and desire to reach goals and success.
I'll focus in that, when I have fought my way thru that. The most important thing for me right now is to learn how to live with the disease, not "win the Olympics."

I have been successful, I have earned a lot of money. But if stress, anxiety, depression and panic attacks is a result hereof, the price is to high.

But as I wrote... I'll handle that, when I get to it. Right now I fight just to eat, sleep and get outside in despite of SAD, PTSD and whatever label they put on me this morning! So the option for a high end career is not back for me yet.

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