After my mental breakdown I felt numb, I wish...

After I had my mental breakdown, or nervous breakdown - whatever they call it - I felt numb. Like feeling nothing at all, I was just a zombie, or a robot, doing what I had to do.

Right now I wish I was back in that place, where I feel numb. Depression has hit me hard, and I get the worst anxiety attacks.

There's so much practical stuff, that I wish I could do, but just the thought of it makes me scared. I feel I should just command my body to get moving and get stuff done - but I cant.
The Psychologist said, that I should accept, that I am sick - but... That is really difficult. Both to accept it, but also practically. I'm alone, and I need to take care of the children. My neighbor stops by almost daily, and its nice to have an adult to talk with - but I really wish I was not alone with all the responsibilities that comes with taking care of the children and the house.
Practically I have difficulties with being sick, there's task that I need to do. But I can't find the energy, desire or motivation to do it.

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Personal note: Cutting My Self

I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now. 
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.

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I Have No Desire Or Motivation To Do Anything

I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. A little task like making tea can seem totally overwhelming. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower...
I literally have to force myself to do it.

I feel like being nothing for my children. I wish so bad that I could do more for them, do something with them, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything.

I feel like my doctor told me: "when so much has happened to you, its totally understandable, that you get the thought: if this is life, I have had enough. Goodbye and thank you!"

Fortunately my daughter is going for a sleep over tonight, so she does not have to see mommy sitting around looking empty out in the air. My boy is going out with some friends, so fortunately they are having some fun elsewhere.

I feel like a shit for not being able to do anything with them. Life seem like being only from one problem to the next. Happiness is non existing anywhere, and well - if I have one desire at all, it should be to "check out". But I can't do that to my children - so there's no way out anywhere.
I'm scared like shit, that I will not be able to fight this battle.

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Personal - Violent Haemorrhage

I got scared today. I was on the phone during a car drive. When I got off the car, I felt something running down my legs...
I told the person, that I was on the phone with, to call my collegue.
I felt something running down my legs, like when I had the miscarriage. I was scared as hell.
When I got into my lab building, I thought I would be alone - but I saw my co-leader there, sitting at the meeting table in my office. My co-leader and me, there's nothing between us, but the desire to make the plants running.
However we have both been involved in each others bad times, when that was nessesary.
But this time...
I was rushing to the toilet, and my friend of course knew that something was up.
Because I am too thin, I wear 2 sets of pants, the ones on the inside on that day, was sportswear - white.
It was totally obvious, that something bad happened, there was blood everywhere. I was bleeding through both the inside pants and my work pants (which fortunately is black.) But there was a blood trail following me, so...
My co-leader suggested, "well, its just your period" - well - he is a man - I told him, that I have had my period since I was 15, and nothing like this has ever happened before.
He wanted to drive me home, but well - Im an independent woman, I did it myself. Stupid!!!
I got to the personal doctor in time, she examined me and didn't find anything wrong besides my poor physical state in general (weight.)
Well, great...
I think Ill try to eat something now... See ya

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Personal Note - Have We Lost Our Pictures (?)

I'm scared that the children and me has lost our pictures and movie clips of the children and our family from the last decade of our life.
My ex boyfriend took all the hard drives in December, and even though he promised to send the files to me, we have not received anything.
I send him a mail the 27. January, and asked for answers for several things - and that I would like an answer within a week. Of course I didn't get an answer.

I tried to talk with his brother about it through Skype, but I feel him hostile to me, so I can only guess, what my ex is telling his family about me!
In that regard, I just have to remember, what the Psychologist told me: "don't worry about what he tells his family. If they are a little smart, they remember how you were, and they can just take a look at his actions and how he has treated you lately."
So... I try not to worry too much about that.

As I wrote... Today the week is up, and this time I have send him a mail concerning nothing else, but my wish to get the files, especially the pictures and movie clips of the children.

I remember some of our latest "conversations". I guess its a month ago now, that we last had a real conversation. My ex was constantly accusing me for "playing games" with him.
I don't see any "games" anywhere...
Or maybe that is exactly what it is - to him, I mean! A game!
Yet another way to make us "suffer."
The thoughts from the results of my research comes back: A Psychopath has no consciousness, and therefore deep down he does not care at all, that other people feels bad.

I hate, that I had to contact him again, I would really like this to be over with. I just don't want to have lost all the pictures and movie clips of the children. The thought is really scaring me, and I think my ex knows that, and has some kind of "joy" out of not sending us our files.
So I start to think: "have we lost our pictures(?)"

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Psychologist Visit 4 - Remember What He Did to You

My thoughts is still primary focused on how a person I loved so much, could treat me like this - and since he could do that, I must be a horrible person.

My Psychologist started to break down the whole episode into little pieces, and talked with me about those events:
My boyfriend knew, that I had already been through a lot this year, and even so, he apparently couldn't accept, that those events of course had a huge effect on me and the children.


The Sunday, my boyfriend left, the last conversation we had together, was about me wishing, that he would get back to language classes, perhaps part time - and the study at the engineering school, taking some classes with people, that had the same interests as him. After that he chose to leave. I was trying to do something good for him, but maybe he saw it as a demand. We will never know, my work for now is to focus on the fact, that I was trying to do something positive - and my boyfriend chose to leave.

So no matter that my boyfriend knew, that I was in a very fragile state, he chose to leave his pregnant woman and the children, without any kind of warning or decent talk about it at all.
My boyfriend knew, that we could not handle the dog, but still let it up to us to deal with it.
He also knew, that I was still suffering from the miscarriage, and even so he send me mails and demanded, that I got an abortion.
And he let me deal with the abortion alone.
After that he comes back with the car, packs some stuff and takes all the computer equipment with him, including all the pictures and movies of the children, their dead father... All the pictures we have - and he doesn't even send us the files.
Now he got what he wanted - and after that he ignores me totally!

The tool, I should use, is to think about those facts - when I miss my boyfriend.
And when I think, that I am a horrible person, I should remember what he did to me...

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Personal Note - Status Ultimo January

I have been writing facts, cold and hard facts, about my Psychologist and doctors visits. About medication, about tools, about research.
I haven't been writing much about how I feel, and how I am otherwise doing.

Physical facts:
Well, my wight is climbing. I am now at 51,4 kg. That's a huge progress from the 47,4 that I was looking at 14 days ago. I still feel cold, but well, there's mother nature facts too, it's cold outside, so that's only natural.
I trow up sometimes still, not by choice, but I guess that the weight climbing is a good fact.
I still hate eating, I still hate the process of making food (before I was enjoying to work for hours in the kitchen).
I'm bleeding again, like a period, but its not. 


Mental facts:
I miss to have a man to come home to. I know I have the children, but it is not the same.
I miss to have someone to fall asleep with, someone to cuddle, someone to have sex with.
I wish, that I had the desire to live, I don't. I don't see anything positive in the future.

Well, maybe I'll finish this another day, for now I'm too tired.

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Third Visit to the Psy - remember your condition!

My third visit to the Psychologist started with me being totally stressed out - even before the meeting.
A little something like car trouble made me stress out so badly, that I was shaking all over. I got there in time, but I was shaking all over my body.

It took some time to get me to relaxed, and I didn't feel the connection with the Psychologist in the beginning at the session, as I used to. I guess all my "defenses" got in position and closed me down for some time.

My Psychologist however, was able to work me through that (of course). So I guess after 15 minutes of the 1 hour session, he was able to get me into the place, where we could "work."

I told him about the research, that I had been doing. That I found a lot of similarities between my ex boyfriend and the description of a psycopath. He didn't seem surprised at all. We talked a lot about the fact, that I should look "out" for answers - I should not consider myself the reason of the problem.
And again he underlined, that "I am not a bad person."

Then we talked about the fact, that I feel lazy. I can't find the energy to do anything. Even little tasks as emptying the dishwasher or doing the laundry, feels overwhelming.

My Psy told me to remember my condition. When I feel, that I am lazy, its not because I'm lazy. I'm sick. He asked me to remember, that I see him every week, I get several kinds of medication, which is followed by my personal doctor and the district psychiatry.
What would I do, if I had a broken leg(?) Or the influenza(?) Rhetorical question! I would lay down and relax. And that is what he wants me to do now.
Relax. Remember my condition, and accept, that I am sick.
Its remarkable, that I under the circumstances is able to do my job and take care of the children. He was impressed, that I was able to do that. But he warned me not to push it.
Slow down, don't demand anything of yourself. And accept all the help from others, that I can get!
Remember your condition: you are sick!

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Research: Psycopath, Narcissist, Empathy Disorder

At the second session, my Psychologist told me, that I look inside for a solution to whatever happened.

I give myself the fault of everything that has happened to me, and that's first of not healthy - secondly he told me - and under stressed that - It is not my fault that another person is treating me badly.

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Second Visit to the Psychologist - Understanding

My emotions is totally closed, but my Psychologist feels, that I am fortunately starting to open up just a little bit, and that is what he needs - so that he can get "inside" and work with the feelings.
I am getting some "tools", as he call it, to use for different situations, which I'll describe later.

He told me, I have been through a lot, so of course there was a lot of shit running around in my head. He wondered though, what was the main thought(s), that was bothering me right now.
My main issue was and is surrounding the fact, that I was left, and left in that way.
And the fact, that another person, that I loved so much, could treat me so badly - that must mean, that I am a really bad person.

My Psychologist said, that I had a way of always looking inside for the answers- instead I should try to focus on looking outside for answers.

The fact, that my love me in that horrible way, was not my fault. That's was my boyfriends problem, and something he should live with for the rest of his life.

My Psy said, that the next time I was giving myself the fault of this breakup, and being treated this way, he suggested, that I should do some research on the following:
Psycopath
Narcissist
Empathy Disorder 
- and see, if I could recognize some of the descriptions given, that was fitting on my boyfriend.

(the result I came up with during my research, was quite interesting and also very scary. I'll write more about that another day, in another thread)



The "tools" is for different situations - but to make it short, the tools is:
When I feel anxiety/depression starting to grab me, where I just want to crumble together and make myself as small as possible, and hide from the world - then I must do something active/hardcore, if I in ant possible way can do that... Its a little difficult to describe. But I should do something like:

1. scream out as loud as I possible can (it gets emotions out of the body, that's also why you see people in crisis screaming)
2. out react, especially with the upper part of the body (because its in the torso, my feelings are, the stomach pain, feeling lack of breathing) punch something!
   
3. listen to loud music, active music - dance to it if possible - sing (scream) to it, to get the feelings out - if possible

It is very rare, that people in general is able to tell exactly, what triggered the "anxiety attack" - but if I feel that it is possible at all, I should note down, what triggered it.

To follow the tools, I do the following:

1. I cant scream out loud, that will scare the children - they have seen enough (I do it on Thursdays, when my girl is at her dance classes) It's very rare, but I sing out loud to music sometimes - and it really helps. It's just very rare I can make up the desire to sing at all.
   
2. To out react, I have found, that the best is to put my desk in the high position and make "push up" from that. My poor physical condition doesn't allow me to do real push ups. Geez, I was able to do real push ups with one arm - not right now!
3. Powerful/happy music, for that I especially use the sound track from Transformers 1, also:
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eouUdcgXBE&feature=related
   fast forward to 1.14 minutes - that's when the powerful music starts, and
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSpakuC5eq 

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Medication regulation and eating

After my first session with the Psychologist, the agreement was to get my medication checked with my personal doc.
I didn't really care, only if they would serve me a doc Kevakian treatment.
if I could just get out the "easy way", that would be great.
But I fight for the sake of my children.

I went to my personal doctor, accompanied by my friend and neighbor: Rie.
First priority was to get my medication regulated:

I now get the following medication:
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 75 mg, but working my way to 100 (I cant go to 100 mg in one day - I started on 50 mg and work up)
This drug is what people in general refer to as "happiness pills" but they don't work from one day to another.
The medication helps with the building of the signals in the brain, so that the messages between the brain cells is being send to the right places.
I have used this medication before, and I know it works. I have many years ago been on 400 mg a day - that is not good for me.
So we start with the base dose and work up - but I know the limit for me is 300 mg

2. Tolmin
(Mianserinhydrochlorid)
This is also an anti depressant drug, that helps the nr. 1 working.
The reason I started on it now - yesterday - is that for me, it has 2 side effects:
When I take it, I fall asleep 15-20 minutes after.
The second side effect is, that it makes me hungry!
I got it today, and I cant take it right now because of the first side effect, but my hope is, that when I start taking it, I will start eating again.

3. Apozepam
(Diazepam)
Well, that's the good stuff, that works in 15 minutes.
Its the stuff that keeps me from drinking/medicating myself.
On a normal day, where everything is fine, I don't need anything - but a hug from you. See your smile, you telling me how wonderful I am, having sex with you - that's my normal dose.
Well, I don't have that anymore.
I get apozepam regularly now, even though the doctor wont normally describe it.
Its a heavy drug.
I'm from 2 mg a day to 15 now. It is effective, but it is also addictive -that's why the docs don't give it normally.

4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
It is quite expensive however.
On daily basis, where I need to be able to drive, I cant take the apozepam. Then I take "Valerina forte"
When I needed to sleep, I take "drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"

With the apozepam and the tolmin, I think Ill quit the nature medicine.

The eating / vomiting:
Thats not easy. Its affected by ny wish not to live.
I got a prescription for some "drinks", that should be good for me.
Got it the same day - tastes like crap.

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First Visit to the Psychologist - I'm Too Closed

My Psychologist...
I liked him right away, there was definitely no bad chemistry there.
This first appointment was naturally a summarize - an overview of  what had happened.
The Miscarriage, the loss of the baby, and shortly about the bad stuff surrounding that. The massive blood loss, the overwhelming amount of the mass, that came out of me.
The death of the father of my children, the feeling of being the only parent left.
And the final "stroke", what brought me into the crisis phase: my boyfriend leaving me like that!

Then the problems, that came because my boyfriend left me, and leaving it up to me to deal with all his stuff, living up to his demands for papers, abortion, solving the problem with the dog, that only my boyfriend could control etc.
The abortion, that had to get done, because my boyfriend left me.
The lack of me understanding, why he left me, and me feeling like the worst person on the planet - when the person you love the most is treating you like shit: you must really be a bad person!


I told him, as it is - straight out from the bag of total confusion:
I have no wish to live. If it was not for my children, I would have committed suicide. During the first week of my total brak down, I tried several times - but the cutting in it self - gave me some sort of feeling back....
My children has already lost their daddy this year, and yet another "daddy", my boyfriend their "step-dad".
I have no appetite. I hate the thought of food. It's not like I am suffering from anorexia, I just feel disgusted by the thought of eating anything.
I like when I get the feeling of throwing up. I like to feel the pain, when my body contracts into throwing up - but nothing comes out. Its not like I want to throw up - I just like the pain that comes with it! How insane is that - to enjoy to feel that pain!

My Psychologist told me several things:
The reason, I like the feeling of physical pain, is because that's the only moment, where I feel myself for real.
Right now I am still in the crisis phase. My body and mind has sort of seperated, something called Dissociation.
Dissociation is a crucial survival mechanism that protects you during a crisis and afterwards. It helps you stay on task so you can protect yourself. If you are able to function without fully experiencing the emotional impact of an event, you can accomplish tasks until it is safer to deal with your emotions. (from http://therapist4me.com/Dissociation.htm)

I was simply "closed down" emotionally, to protect myself from more harm.
My Psychologist needed to "find a door into my soul", to be able to work with me. Right now he could not do that, cause I was protecting myself by Dissociation.
So the agreement was, that he would contact my private doctor, to work with her in regards to my medication.

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Christmas and New Years Evening

December was hell for me.
Jingle bells, lights, happiness - fuck it. I just wanted to die.
For my children, I wished to had a positive view of things, but I couldn't at all. I did not care. I wanted to die.
Everywhere I went (when I was outside, and that was not often) it was happiness all over - parents/couples being together with their children.
I didn't have that - I didn't even understand why I didn't have that. I was left without explanation.
Already in November I was prepared for Christmas, I had huge plans -the first gifts was already bought.
Then he left me - my boyfriend.
Everything fell down to ground zero.

Me being so sick, I was living at my parents place. Trying to handle work the best I could from there, controlling what I could with the teams, beeing on the phone a lot.

Christmas was horrible. New years even worse.
Well, maybe another day Ill finish this

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Second week is still fuzzy - Abortion

The second week is a little bit more clear, but since I was (and still am) in the crisis phase, its also still fuzzy.
My "wonderful" boyfriend, ignored me totally, unless he wanted something from me.  He had left without the insurance papers for the car, and was angry with me, until I scanned it and send it to him. Then he was nice a little, and said thank you - after that he was back to ignoring me. I just wanted an answer: "why did you leave me - and leave me like that!" He ignored me totally, didn't answer my calls, mails, Skype - unless he wanted something.

I got - what I would almost call - hate mails from him, to get me to get an abortion. He accused me of wanting the baby, just to have something to "go after him" with. In the horrible state I was in mentally, I couldn't think a decent thought. I didnt understand, that he left me - and like that! Without a warning. I missed him terribly, he used to be my best friend, and now in his eyes, I was the worst person, that ever existed. I wanted so bad to have the baby, I couldn't bare to loose yet another one.
But in my clear moments (there was not many) I realized, that I could not raise a baby alone. And what should I explain, when the little one would eventually ask "where is my daddy?"

Abortion, even how emotionally painful the decision was, seemed to be the best option under the circumstances.

My feelings, from what I remember, was all over the scale. Panic attacks, sadness, hate, aggression, sorrow, unhappiness... I don't know, when it happened exactly, maybe over a period of time - but I started to feel numb.


I know I was at the Hospital at Tuesday, where I thought they would do the operation.
After that, the psychiatric should take me over - that's how I understood it from my personal doctor.
However that's not what happened - most likely I didn't understand it correctly. Messages seemed to just get right through me, I didn't really care, and was not really able to understand.
I went to the Hospital, where I thought they would give me the pills to start the medically abortion, cause they didn't want to do the operation because of my high blood pressure.
However, that doctor said, that the baby was now too big, and he didn't want to do it in that particular Hospital. And especially not as a medical procedure.
So while I was there, he called the bigger hospital, and I got an appointment with them the next day - Wednesday.
So that's when we left for mom and dads place, and on Wednesday we went to the big Hospital.
I met in the morning "starving" (I wasn't hungry, but you know, I was not allowed to have anything), was examined again, and they told me, that under the circumstances they wouldn't do the operation that day either. I should come back the next day in the morning, and be there, I think it was 7.15.
But they needed blood samples first, and we waited and waited - until a nurse came and - well - I felt like a needle bag after that, She tried three times in left arm, then 4 times in the right. My mom was on her toes ready to get another nurse, but I just wanted to get it over with.
I left with blood running down my right arm, cause the nurse didn't figure out to stop it.
I didn't care - to be honest... If I died right there, that would be perfect for me.
But well, I didn't get so lucky - so we went back to my parents.

Now Thursday morning. We had a horrible drive because of the huge accident on the freeway, and had to find another route. We therefore had to call the hospital to tell them, that we were late.
I think we arrived around 08.15. We were supposed to be there at 7.15
The hospital already knew about the accident, cause they were getting the injured people in their emergency.
So I was prepared to wait a long time to get my operation done.
However, at the hospital, they were very efficient, they knew of my mental and physical state, so I guess that is why, that I came in so quickly.
They were ready to receive me, when we came.
There was a doctor standing by, I got my hospital clothes (which was to big - but never mind) and I got into the bed and got my temperature taken. Too high. Geez.
And then blood pressure - again too high.
Well, after that I was prepared for a long time of waiting. But I didn't wait long, until a nurse came and asked me to go to the toilet to see, if I "could do something."
After that I was in my bed getting transported to the operating room.
That's embarrassing. People all around you see you being transported, and well - you don't exactly look like you are going on a date on this point.
At the operation department, I felt like I was waiting for 100 years. I was nervous, mostly for my mom, who had been through a lot the last weeks with me. Doctors or nurses or both were running back and forth, talking about  normal stuff - and I thought to myself " hey - this is just a normal workday for them". That is how we would talk at work!!!
There was a huge number of people in the operating room. A lot more, than the last time I had an operation.
Again they couldn't find my veines, three different people was trying, in both arms, until they finally got it.
The last time I went under anesthesia, I was so scared out of my mind to not wake up.
This time, I was begging not to wake up anymore. When the anesthesia started to kick in, it felt like a relief. I could finally escape from this horrible world.

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