First Visit to the Psychologist - I'm Too Closed

My Psychologist...
I liked him right away, there was definitely no bad chemistry there.
This first appointment was naturally a summarize - an overview of  what had happened.
The Miscarriage, the loss of the baby, and shortly about the bad stuff surrounding that. The massive blood loss, the overwhelming amount of the mass, that came out of me.
The death of the father of my children, the feeling of being the only parent left.
And the final "stroke", what brought me into the crisis phase: my boyfriend leaving me like that!

Then the problems, that came because my boyfriend left me, and leaving it up to me to deal with all his stuff, living up to his demands for papers, abortion, solving the problem with the dog, that only my boyfriend could control etc.
The abortion, that had to get done, because my boyfriend left me.
The lack of me understanding, why he left me, and me feeling like the worst person on the planet - when the person you love the most is treating you like shit: you must really be a bad person!


I told him, as it is - straight out from the bag of total confusion:
I have no wish to live. If it was not for my children, I would have committed suicide. During the first week of my total brak down, I tried several times - but the cutting in it self - gave me some sort of feeling back....
My children has already lost their daddy this year, and yet another "daddy", my boyfriend their "step-dad".
I have no appetite. I hate the thought of food. It's not like I am suffering from anorexia, I just feel disgusted by the thought of eating anything.
I like when I get the feeling of throwing up. I like to feel the pain, when my body contracts into throwing up - but nothing comes out. Its not like I want to throw up - I just like the pain that comes with it! How insane is that - to enjoy to feel that pain!

My Psychologist told me several things:
The reason, I like the feeling of physical pain, is because that's the only moment, where I feel myself for real.
Right now I am still in the crisis phase. My body and mind has sort of seperated, something called Dissociation.
Dissociation is a crucial survival mechanism that protects you during a crisis and afterwards. It helps you stay on task so you can protect yourself. If you are able to function without fully experiencing the emotional impact of an event, you can accomplish tasks until it is safer to deal with your emotions. (from http://therapist4me.com/Dissociation.htm)

I was simply "closed down" emotionally, to protect myself from more harm.
My Psychologist needed to "find a door into my soul", to be able to work with me. Right now he could not do that, cause I was protecting myself by Dissociation.
So the agreement was, that he would contact my private doctor, to work with her in regards to my medication.