It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.
If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain.
I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself. However in the long run it's definitely not healthy to put a lid on your emotions.
The sad news is, that this is what I do. I start to care less, it's like givin up on a sinking ship. I just let it go. I don't really care to save anything, there's no reason to, the boat will sink at some point, since water keeps pouring in.
This is the most empty feeling ever, and I have no solution or desire to try to figure it out, it seems to be too late. Theres too much water in our boat, and I'm the only one at the pumps. Why bother then(?)
I know this bubble will blow up at some point, and this silence... I'm also sure will end, whether it's going to be a final explosion or a decent talk, I have no idea.
For now, I just keep to myself, and talk, when I'm asked. And everybody seems to find that perfect, so I decided to play along this time. Thry don't appreciate my company, they don't seem to care if I am doing okay or not. I might as well be invisible, they would ignore me equally.
But God I need to talk with another person. I need to feel worthy of something, at least just worthy to be noticed.
Fortunately I have Lucy (CCTeam), who I've asked to make these graphics, and she's a lady with her own opinion. I love that.
Sometimes I notice, she sort of answers me in the work she's doing. If I ask for a quote about loneliness, she doubkes up with 2 other creations of "it's better to be alone..."
It's nice to have their support, cause I start to feel unworthy of love. Maybe it's not in my cards to be loved unconditionally, truly, fully in a solid marriage.
Original photo by:
Quotes by;
Posts
0 kommentarer:
Post a Comment