I have been living on a little pink cloud

I always think the best about people. Well I WAS. And I hate the "friends" and family who has disappointed me, or worse.

Read More

Trapped with people who dislike me or?

I din't know what to do. I had no idea of how to change this situation.

Read More

The need to believe in something

When the world collapses below your feet, and mental disease brings you to your knees, it can be comforting pray.

I got some questions about religion from some of you. So even though I've danced my way around it, since I don't want religious discussions to be a part of this, I recognise the need to believe in something bigger out there.

I'll try to explain my thoughts about religion - I don't need your acceptance, we don't have to share the same thoughts - the disorders and syndroms wont change anyway - but then you know my point of view.

I find myself challenged in my belief in anything.
I do believe in a God, but you can call him whatever you want, cause no matter what you call "him", I believe we all either get hit by Karma or will be judged by our behaviour at the end of days.

I believe most religions actually goes well together, and may originally come from the absolute same story.
BUT I also believe, that some people are using religion - interpreting/translating it into something they can use for personal gain.

I'm a Christian, but could be compared to an atheist. I don't go to church each Sunday,  I don't find God there.
But...
A spring day, where every tree, every flower, starts to welcome the new season. The plants, that seemed dead, gets little light green buds all over, and will soon burst into wonderful colors...
That's amazing in my eyes. No man is able to do that.

There's a lot of examples like that.
The birth of a newborn child - tell me - do you need more proof(?)
I don't.

Maybe nature is our God - we most certainly cant beat her; Mother Nature.

I don't have the answer - and no matter what you believe yourself - neither do you!

What about all the bad stuff, that happens in the world then?
Why does our God not put a stop to that?

I asked a priest that question once, and he told me, he was a bit frustrated about people asking this question.  God is not responsible for everything that goes on.
If we all were able to live in peace - and I'm not just talking about war/peace, but also humans amongst each other. Then the world would be a better place.

If we start celebrating each others differences and cultures, instead of spreading fear and distance between us - we would go a long way.

If we stop spending money on fighting each other, and helped each other out - we could accomplish so much.

But we are fighting, people die, people get wounded, and don't tell me we fight for peace - give me a break.

My point is we chose to fight - is that Gods fault?

Natural disasters happen - did you ever think about this: when natural disasters hits, nobody cares about country or region or religion - its life and dead, we all fight together to stay alive.

Another thing I had in mind  was that when we have a plus, we also have the opposite; the minus. In mathematics theres always and opposite for every function.
So, why shouldn't there be a devil?
Perhaps the devil is inside of us, and we have to fight our own personal battles to see, which side it the strongest?

So yes, I also think there will be some kind of justice in the end - or we get hit by nemesis and/or karma before that.

One thing I absolutely don't believe in, is weekly confessions.
I'm sorry, we are not children. We all know the rules. So if you get caught with your hands in the cookie jar, I honestly don't believe that it's okay, just as long as you confess.

If you sleep around, it doesn't make okay just as long as you confess. In risk of getting hate mails from everyone, I can honestly say, that its is one of the most hypocritical things I have ever heard of.

But for each religion we have, theres many things I like and some I dont.

I very short, I think I can sum my personal religion into one sentence that takes in everything I believe in.

Be nice to others.

In my opinion that covers do not kill, respect the elders, dont sleep around only with your spouse etc etc, doesn't it?
I my opinion it does.

I hope I didn't scare you all :) and that you have found something to help and support you thru hard times.

See ya :-)

Read More

I'm trapped

I'm sorry for not writing much. I'm really not in the mood to write about feelings or thoughts or nightmares or lack of sleep.

Read More

You are disgusting

Thank you very much, now I know, why I feel such lack of love around me.

Read More

Life quantity or life quality

Well!!!
This topic (amongst others) is messing around in my thoughts. 

I'm living on the boulevard of broken dreams, where everyone else is living out their dreams, which is also mine.

Read More

About distraction and relaxation methods

I experience, that I use the TV as a tool to relax so much, I infact never really watch anything.

Read More

I can't collect my thoughts

I feel bad for not writing, however that would confuse everyone, since my thoughts are all over the place.

Read More

Drowning

Every time I see someone writing about bad stuff happening to them, I see a lot of
- "I'll pray for you"
- "God will help you out"

You know what? We are NOT alone on this planet, God is not supposed to handle each and every thing for us.

Read More

Who can you really count on?

I often get emails from you guys out there, who feels totally alone and abandoned.

How do you move on, when you feel neglected, overlooked or even ignored?

Read More

The purpose of life

I've been having a very bad period, where I've struggled to find a place for me in this world.

According to political decisions, I'm supposed to live with this salary for the rest of my life.
If that's the case, what do I see in the future(?)

My absolute favourite thing in the world is to travel. Not with any extravagance,  no water how. That's totally out of range.

I'm sleeping on a couch in a house share, struggling to make ends meet every month.
Living for 160 Euro a month, before dentist, clothes, hairdresser, gifts, medication, food and transportation.
Lovely - no thank you.
That kind of future is to me so dark, I can't see light anymore.

I've actually went so far in my thoughts, that I decided to build up a storage of the pills, that I know I need, to end this shit. Then I would be prepared for the next step, when I wanted to leave.

To make a long story short, my blog manager CC came for a visit. She sensed something was wrong and made me talk to the Farmer.
And the Farmer - well let's just say, you can't escape. I dunno what she contains, I don't know what she's build of, that woman. But you can't fool her, and she is a badass when it comes to kicking verbally ass, so let's just say, I was burned.
It is after all her method I'm using, so I better use it right.

She's actually been through situation almost similar to mine, it's weird we found each other.
The difference is, she is standing, and standing tall - I'm still trying to get my ass up from the floor. I guess it's a question of willpower, and she acts like - infact she is a true - Viking.

Clarise told me to notice, that there is a huge difference. Cause the Farmer is appreciated by the other people in the house and lives with her fiance. I live with other people too and has to feel appreciated, where I am.

I'm actually thinking about going away for a month to my mother. I'll get a break from the others, and I can help her simultaneously. It's ofcourse not a permanent solution, but that's an option for the moment. I'll consider that, cause I'm fed up with the looks from the others... Why didn't she cook/clean/do laundy/clean up... Well I don't, clean up after yourself. Help me clean the house, I'm not the only one who lives here.

But I feel so stressed out, that the fact apparently is, they only see me as a maid.

CC also mentioned, there's a lot of offers to buy the rights to the blog, there's options to make interviews, to advertise for doctors and medication etc etc, that would help me a bit. But she already knew my answer.
No, no, and no. 

I do NOT recommend any medications, I do NOT recommend any doctors, and I am for sure not letting anyone ghost write my blog, and pretend they are me. I'd rather starve to death.

If CC wants to make an informative post, she'll put her name on it. That's it.

But well, I am considering, what they told me, to go visit my mom and get some distance, and I'll see, what I figure out.

I feel strangled here, but right now I'm too tired to make any decisions.

Read More

Youtube Channel

I don't use YouTube much anymore, due to the heavy amount of advertisement, that jumps in, while I try to fall asleep.
I absolutely love Jean-Michel Jarre, but his music gets interrupted all the time.
Who can sleep through that(?)

However there's still some pieces of music, that has no interruptions.
CC has taken my playlist and made it public.

You find the YouTube playlist here.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLBuju34d75pk3Zt1z_ZvOJ1SrZNAz-Ez

(Or try searching for TMB Total Mental Breakdown, then you'll find it)

I'll add the playlist to the direct links for relaxation radio/music/sounds at the top of the page.

I prefer the online radio channels to YouTube, but now you've got a link to YouTube music as well. Thanks CC :-)

Read More

Dementia test

I've been at the doc for a dementia test today. I knew it wouldn't hurt physically, but emotionally I was SO scared, that I had to tell the nurse not to take notice of me crying, it's simply due to stress relief.

The very thought of suffering from dementia is do frightening for me, I think a bad result would finally break me for good and leave me with bot only a total mental breakdown - but simply finish me off for good.

And what's that test like(?)
Strange and funny at the same time.

I'm a mrs. I-need-to-know-it-all, so I really had to fight the urge, to ask a lot of questions.

But here's how my dementia test went down.

- what year is it?
- what month?
- the date of today?
- is it Wednesday?
that sort of questions.

Then she gave me 3 things to remember:, an apple, a windows, scissors.

She handed me a paper and told me to take it with my right hand, fold it. Then put it down on the floor and stand up next to it.
I felt the questions screaming- kinda funny - while doing the task.

- Now pick up the paper and draw a circle.
I did.
- put in numbers to make it look like a watch.
I did.
- Draw the clock as if it shows 9.20.
I did.
- Write a sentence...
I wrote something stupid.

You have 93, withdraw 7.
I did.
Withdraw 7.
I did
Withdraw 7....
I did, I did, I did...

What was the 3 things I told you to remember?
Scissors, apple, window.

I got some Pentagon's to draw in free hand, and to finished it up, they took a blood sample, heart cardiogram, and I peed in a cup. LOL-thay was the worst part!

So once again; not so damn frightening, as it was in my mind.
However - as I told the doc - I'm not scared of the test. Physical pain I can handle. However I don't know how to handle it, if the test comes out with me having dementia, a permanent brain malfunction.

But today I was a straight A student and came thru with flying colours :-)
The test will be continued, but so far do good.
Thank God.

Read More

I am worth nothing to other people

I hate not to know, where I'm going. What am I supposed to do, while I await other people's decision about my future(?)

What I hate even more, is how people treat me because of my disease - even despite my disease. 

I'm apparently supposed to be their deck and call, if they are hungry, we need to eat now! 

I never sleep in late, because they do, and someone needs to take care of the dogs.

Last week there were 4 days off, I didn't get to sleep in late even once!

I have to say the consideration for my needs washed away a long time ago. 

Sometimes I in fact have to remind people, that I really don't feel okay, and I get awfully hurt, when spoken to like they do here.

I don't know if the lack of co consideration is lack of understanding. After all I don't look sick...

The doc want me to get disability, but the politicians and job consultants can 'cure' everybody. It's horrifying, what goes on in the country right now.

I feel helpless, like a little child who has not a vote in the matter, just awaiting the decisions of the adults.

I'm being talked to like they please to do, with no thoughts for me as a person. I get yelled at, just because I was there - not because anything is my fault.

It's like I don't have a position in the world, I'm not only nothing. I'm the dirt anyone is allowed to step on.

Guess what?
Think again - they haven't been to hell and back. I have, and I have been chewed up down there, and even then I managed to find a way back to life.

And I'm not only on the way to fight, I am fighting now. And I don't put up with bullsshit.

Hurt me now - and I promise you I will return the pain with interest.

I don't know... I should get on the train and leave a situation like this and never return. But somehow I find it very educational and interesting to see, how everything evolves. So don't feel sorry for me, I'll leave if I can't handle it.

But for the first time in my life, I have the front seat to watch, how mentally I'll people gets treated by friends, family, health care system etc. And for some reason I don't get up and leave, its actually kind of interesting to notice what goes on.
So I'm having kind of an adventure first hand here, which hurts quite a deal, but is too educational to give up.

I'll let you know, when I explode in anger - I bet you'll all hear it!

Read More