European Election

Everybody all over the country is going nuts, when election is up.
Politicians claim and promise a lot, they don't intend to keep.

I especially remember one woman who said, that the sick, the poor and the old people here, could just save up their money! From what?
Some don't even have to the end of the month. Some has the choise to eat or take their medication. God, if you get sick at 18 and can't work, you'll spend the rest of your life living without anything. With no future ahead. Cause if you own anything, you can't get any help. What a dream to look forward to.

But this particular politician is now running around doing publicity stunts to show "how much she care."
It makes me sick.
So after we loose everything, we could just "save our money". Well, perhaps she'll visit me then.

It's hard for families. They do not only have to worry about sickness, hospital visits etc. They have to move to sell their house, worry how to get the next bill paid...
Not only do you get very little help. The little help you get, will be cut even smaller, than normal, because your wife's or girlfriends salary is as high as a uneducated worker.

Theres not enough money to take care of people, that is already here in the country.
Why do the government chose to bring in more? They get paid for it ofcourse, but our country and welfare suffers because of it.
Not just the sick people, also teachers, daycare workers, old people, hospitals, doctors, nurses....
And the government simultaneously can't figure out, why the crime rate is getting constantly higher!

There's a lot of stuff going on, that's not right here. But I chose NOT to listen to them during the time before election.
Everyone knows a politician lies.
But they seem to have their mind set on winning the Olympics in not speaking truthfully these days, so I chose to be deaf to them.

Read More

The weather is weird and does not help

One moment the sun is shining, and we are able to be outside just wearing a T-shirt. 5 minutes later the clouds arrive with darkness, wind, rain and hail!

When the animals and I dare to stick our heads out of the door, you can be sure we'll be coming back running, fleeing from a hail storm, trying to hold the door open for everyone, before it gets catched by the wind - and the we try to get reheated!

I should be sowing peas, lettuce, carrots, beans and all that stuff, but we never get so far into the kitchen garden. Otherwise I feel inspired to enjoy the summer at least a bit that way, when there's no one else to talk to anyway.

But this shifting weather is really uncomfortable. Or otherwise you'll soon get uncomfortable, theres no way to dress properly for the weather, when it changes so much in such a short time.

To avoid the stress I felt another day, when my plants and the animals blankets and toys, my plastic trays for planting etc was flying all over the place - we spend most time inside.
That triggers the depressive state very much, since spending all my time inside reflects what I do, when I am in a depressed state of mind. So it's kind of a hard job to stay out of depression right now. It requires a lot of positive thinking, which I have very hard to find these days.

At some point the weather must make a decision :-)

Read More

Drug abuse is no ones dream

I don't think anyone ever woke up with the decision to become an alcoholic or to abuse drugs.

On the other hand I actually wonder, how many of them suffers from mental illness (?)

Read More

I am in the place the eye not see

I haven't felt like writing, cause I feel, I have nothing to give anymore.

Apparently people think its allowed to talk to me in any way that pleases them.

Read More

I can not find peace

The meeting with the job consultant went fine, but I have been restless a long time leading up to that meeting.

They are going for mental disabiligty, since they don't feel sure that I can handle more pressure as a human beeing.


I'm fine with that, it'll give me more room to relax and get better.

But no matter what, I need some sort of extra income, bit I don't know where this is going to come from.

I have been on/off for several weeks now, trying to get up from the dark hole, but some days I simply can't find a reason to do so.

How am I supposed to create a second income here(?) I guess I'll have to move first.

The house is up for sale, but nobody knows, when it's going to be sold.
Again an uncertain future.

I can't handle that, not being able to plan anything.
The rest has this and that demand to the house. One wants his own room, besides the bedroom etc etc, and we'll, that is not possible.  So do you want to move or not?
Putting up impossible demands for a new place is not going to make me change my mind.
I'm not staying here.

So I'm restless, I pace around. I do a little here and there, with no actual result anywhere.
I'm so tired of this wandering about, I could scream.

My thoughts are killing me. I'm bombed by thoughts in my mind, like they all explode in the same time and want to be heard at once.
I can't event sort it out from each other.

I'm scared for the first time in a long time. I'm scared to end my life here ind the God forsaken place, without reaching the water, that I have been longing to get back to since I moved away as a teenager.
My whole life has been shaped by others wishes. I think it's about time, that my wished come a bit true also, before its too late.

Read More

I feel very restless

- the talk with the job consultant is tomorrow. Last time I walked out on them because of false accusations.

Read More

Schedule Yeah Right

I apparently get easily distracted, when I'm trying to work out of the depressive state.

I had plans, but I used my time for other stuff. 

Read More

I am ready to start schedule a bit

I really feel down because of the insurance money. I feel I just live day by day with no hope for a change to the better in my situation.

But I refuse to give in.

Read More

1 step forward

- and 2 steps back, darn the fight is hard.
Especially today.

I thought I hade quite an amout on my account from the stuff people stole from me, before I moved out.

Unfortunately I didnt have an overview of the stolen stuff, and I couldn't handle paper work. I couldn't even touch a computer for the first year. And just thinking about it made me feel sick. My boyfriend promised to report it, but kept putting it off, so now they claim we filed too late.

So it's a never ending story. Each time I think theres a little money coming, I get stuck in a shit hole.
God I can't breathe, I want to get out of this place, where You are useless as soon as you're sick.

Read More

My way to get out of depression

Well, what a wonderfuld ting to have a list like that, do this, follow this "recipe" point by point - and your depression has joined Elvis and left the building.

If you think a such list exist, I'm sorry to disappoint you. It doesn't. Anyone claiming to have a way out like that, is scamming you.

I have never written a list or used one before, but I'll try to explain, what I personally do.

1. Accept that I'm sick and need a "break from life."
I sleep a LOT, don't answer the phone, don't watch the news. It's pure survival basis. Maslows lowest part of the system. Eat, breathe, sleep, stay warm.

2. Getting a bit better I start to return to life long enough to watch a TV show or a movie.

3. When I'm ready to start such things, I focus on personal hygiene, since this is much needed at this point.
As a personal "rule", I demand one thing of myself. When I did this today, then I can't return to nothing tomorrow. I must keep up going forward.

4. When I leave a room, I must make more order before I leave, than when I entered the room.
Now I also must start the battelse to get out. Maybe just sit outside on the stairs to the house with a cup of tea, waiting not to throw up from anxiety.

5. I keep going forward. As allways, the route has many bumps on the way, and I am very hard on myself. SO consider carefully to try it, before you do it. Or do it with precaution. I'm NOT a doctor, I'm not educated in this stuff - I "only" have 20 years of experience living with it.

An beware also about the 20 years. I know a lot about my feelings, how hard to push myself and it takes time to learn.
I force myself into situations, that I would run away from, to confront my anxiety.
Not because I like it, who would like to be so scared, thet are about to sacrifice their last meal on their shoes(?) But I test my limits to see progress.

SO, try taking it very slow. Remember the start rule, what you do today, you must also do tomorrow.
Don't force yourself too hard the first many many times. Accept it takes time. A little progress is better than nothing.
I'm currently at 3,4 and 5 at the same time, so a little here, a little there...

Now I'll for instance go with the dogs to the greenhouse to work there. It both in the open and even so closed. SO let's see what happends.
If everything else fails, I'll retreat to my safe spot.

Read More

Adult bullying

As a child, if you get bullied, you can't wait to grow up, where people treats each other nice.

Ha!

Weren't we fooled.

Read More

It has been a fight just to get out of bed

It always comes as a surprise to me, how hard it is to fight depression. Even though I've done it many times, I'm always a bit shocked how hard it is, when it really strikes.

Read More

Panic attacks on top of panic attacks

I found out, that my ex has moved. 

Apparently he has been to jail, for violence, now he is out and has moved to another town.

Read More

Going public AND stay anonymous

My wonderful long time friend and now blog manager CC (Clarise Canning), takes all the heat from me. 

If she didn't act as "my filter", I bet I would not write anymore. 

Read More