"Daily life" at the mental hospital

Right now I'm SO down, cause I wont see my little girl today - my mom's car has broken down! One of the worst things about being here is the sorrow of not being able to hug and kiss my children. Fortunately my big boy was here after school today (he studies in this town), so at least I have seen one familiar face today. I am able to manage to keep up a big smile while they are here, and also when they leave - but after the doors close behind them, I allow myself to let the tears come.

Read More

Feelings about being at a mental hospital

I have been writing a lot about the fact, that I am now committed to the mental hospital, how they have changed my medication, and how they have moved me around.
I still lack to tell you my point of view of being here, how difficult it is to accept, that I need the help, that the hospital can provide. How does it actually feel to be hospitalized as a mentally sick patient(?)
The first day, I was at another place in the hospital. When they moved me,  I didn't notice at first, that this is a closed department.
Look at this picture of my window! Geez, I can't even open it more than a couple of inches.
When my friend came to see me yesterday, I figured out, that I can't get out of here, without supervision! This is absolutely not what I agreed to...

Read More

Mental hospital: I have been moved

I was moved to another part of the mental hospital, cause apparently the first "residence" I was committed to, was for observation and emergency care of mental patients. My room does not differ much from the first one I got - except I dont have any "lovely" pictures on the wall ;-)

Here's my new "presidential suite" - lol. Just like with the first room I got, I have my own bathroom connected to my room.

Read More

I was comitted to the mental hospital yesterday

This is my new "residence", wonderful picture on the wall, isn't it(?) Sorry I didn't make the bed, but I have climbed back into it right now, so I didn't see the point.

They have given me some new medication today, but I cant remember the name of it. I really hate to take something, that I don't really know what is.
One of the nurses has however promised to bring me a list of the new stuff, so I can google it.

I wish I had better news, but... Sometimes life just sucks...

Read More

Panick attacks comes like lightening from clear sky

Yesterday I was actually having a "medium" day, and I finally had something to look forward to, so I didn't expect this coming at all.

I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep.

I want to know WHY this is happening. Why I get such panic attacks and loose total control of myself and my own wishes... Cause I don't wish to cut myself, I don't want to drink - its just a form of escape. What is bothering me so much for the moment, that I loose total control(?)

Read More

A little light starts to take form

Getting out in the garden yesterday, doing just a little work, was really good for me. My thoughts started to go in another direction.

I have had absolutely no idea of what to do about Easter Vacation until then. All our previous vacations had one destination, and that was to my ex boyfriends country, a lovely place - so we could also visit his family.
Before that, we have always been camping, but I cant do the camping myself, and it does not interest me anymore.

So, now I have rented a summerhouse at the sea. I really miss the waters, the beach, the sounds of nature. And I have planned absolutely nothing, but to take walks along the beach, maybe do a little fishing, collecting beautiful stones and seashells, and making bonfire at the waterside with the children.

Nearby there's a harbor, and I love to go to a harbor. Buying a big ice cream and looking at the boats. Listening to the birds, and the wires slapping against the sailing boats masts. Feeling the light breeze in my face and just relaxing on a bench in the sun.

This is something I really look forward to, and even though it might seem like a little thing to have vacation planned, its means a huge deal to me. To have something to look forward to in the future.


Picture by: mybulldog

Read More

A new start, new dreams for the future starts to take form

After my total mental breakdown, after the dissociation phase, it has all been darkness and a sorrow so deep, that a future was totally impossible to even think about. I was living from moment to moment. When I was falling asleep, it was with the hope never to wake up again.

After the visit from the psychiatrist team today, I went outside in the sunshine to clear my brain. I didn't think about anything particular, but started to clean a little weed, looking at the flowers, that starts to fight their way up through the dirt and bring a little sunshine to the world.
Being out in the sun helps me a lot, even though if its just for a short while. The weed I remove, or the little gardening I get done, does not matter - its not the goal.

I start to have little lights at the end of the tunnel now. In the garden I finally got an idea for the Easter Vacation.
All our vacations has previously gone to my ex boyfriends home country, so we could visit his family. He comes from a beautiful area, where there's a lot of activities. So the last years we never had any thoughts about where to go during vacation - that's why it has been so hard on me to even make up an idea.

Also in regards to the house and the garden, I couldn't think about a future here - here I have lost almost everything. Sometimes I have even had the thought, that this house was cursed in some way!
But I start to feel it growing safer to me - its hard to explain. Before I just wanted to run away, but now I get little ideas - which I of course know I should not put a plan up for realizing in near future (because I must focus on resting and sleeping). But the very thought, that I now get little ideas, little dreams - even how small - that must mean that I am in the good direction.
For the first time, I actually start to have a little hope, little dreams for the future. Something to look forward to - and that makes SO much difference.

Read More

Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better.
It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children.

My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however as I also said, so am I - so its totally understandable.
The psychiatrist however told me, that another fact is, that it is very hard to see a person so horrible down all the time. And it is impossible for a person, who has never tried deep depression and anxiety to know, how much it affects the mind as well as the body.
The tiredness is almost overwhelming, and unfortunately I don't have a husband or boyfriend to support me though all this. There's no one to take the practical daily burdens on my shoulder, and I have not the steady support, that you normally would have in a husband.

We also talked about the birthday of my boy, how it went (and especially didn't go as planned). However the psychiatrist told me, that I should look at it as a little success: we made it through the bowling - and even though it brought memories back from when we were 4 playing, I went through that.
Doing the birthday cake, the day after, was also one of the little successes. It was a recipe, I had developed for my boyfriend. And making it again after he left me, that was hard. But I did it!

So all in all: I should look at the little successes, the good moments, and not at the failures. Fighting a mental disease is hard!

Read More

My sons birthday with my parents

Saturday we had my parents coming to coffee, buns and cake.
I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much.
But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff.
In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where I of course fell asleep exhausted on the sofa.
Even though it was just my parents, "entertaining" guests is not very nice for me right now. It takes a lot of energy to be social.

Read More

My sons birthday: going out is a struggle

My son had chosen to go bowling and after that, we should have dinner at a Chinese restaurant on his birthday. So we all dressed up and went to the bowling center. I felt the normal slight anxiety getting in there with all the other people, but I just had to, and tried not to look anybody in the eyes.
Already at the counter, it started, since the owner of the center has children that goes to school with my children. So she asked, if I was starting to feel better, and I didn't really knew what to answer - so I just told her, as it is, that "I have to accept that it will take a long time."
During bowling, suddenly a guy comes up to me and asked, if I was not from work? First then I recognized him - there has been so many different people at work lately, since we are building heavily.
So there it was - bye bye anonymity, and I didn't feel totally good about that.

Later at the restaurant, we got a table in the middle of the room. That was nice enough, but then more and more people came in, and during the first course I felt the panic attacks coming. So my son quickly ordered a bill and we had to go home.

I felt like a complete failure, however the Psychiatric Team has told me to look at the positive in this experience, and also learn from it. I had a good time (sort of) in the bowling center - but forcing myself to do both the restaurant visit and the bowling, that was apparently too much right now.

After that day I was completely wasted, and slept a lot. It for sure takes all your energy to fight anxiety.

Read More

Memories of my ex boyfriend was everywhere at first...

- but now it seems to finally begin to lighten.
Each time I opened the freezer, there was huge packs of meat, so I could prepare the big meals necessary, when you are cooking for a family of 4, where the husband and the big teenager are heavy eaters. Seeing that in the freezer also brought memories from the time, when we went to the store buying it all the 4 of us...
But little after little we have used it up, and the memories from that start to fade.
I think, that a part of my eating problem is caused by the fact, that I always enjoyed to make dinner for all of them. We were a family, and it was more a rule than an exception, that I served 2 or 3 courses at dinner. I enjoyed that, to make everybody happy about the dinner I was serving - and especially my ex boyfriend, since his abilities in the kitchen was quite limited.

But I'm starting to "take my kitchen back" in some way. I even bought a new food processor!
Somehow every little new stuff in the house seems to make the memories fade more and more. I still have no appetite at all, and I'm still disgusted by food and making it, but it seems that I am in the right direction in that regard.

In the kitchen cabinets is still the foie gras, which I should have served as an entry at his birthday, and the candied cherries, that should have been used for his birthday cake. In the candle drawer is still the candlenumber of his birthday age to put on his birthday cake, and his birthday present is still wrapped in the closet of my daughter. Everything for his birthday was prepared for a long time, my phone still have huge lists of ideas for his birthday. I wanted to do everything to make him happy, even though nothing seemed to be good enough for him. 
But I am going to start to change the memories from that too. Since the children does not like the foie gras, I guess I'll give it as a gift to someone who will enjoy it. The candle with his age, well, I guess it makes a good purpose in the fireplace.

Everywhere in the house there was pictures of him, me and the children. I loved the times we spend together, when we were in nature, on bikes, on hikes, sailing, fishing and making bonfire out in nature, picking mushrooms... I thought it was so wonderful to have a man, that enjoyed those things as much as I did - but the love he had for me never existed. I see it all as a lie now. 
So, most of the pictures we have changed. Now we mainly have pictures of the children, and some of their dead father. There is still a couple with my ex boyfriend left in the house, that needs to be changed, but its a good start.

When my ex boyfriend left, we were in the process of renewing the bathroom.
Now it has become "the childrens and my" bathroom. We have decided together, what we want to put there.
Chose the furniture, the pictures, the candle arrangement etc.
You are not able to notice such details on this picture, however around the glasses with the candles, there is little stones and sea shells, which we have collected on some of our trips to the ocean. This brings in some way some peace and nature to the room, which I enjoy very much. (The plant however, I have decided to change - lol) Its too big, but for now it's there.

Every little change in the house makes the memories and "wish" of the family, I thought we had, fade a little - and change into the acceptance of the family we are now. Me and the children.

Read More

Second visit from the Psychiatrist Team

Today we talked about the most important for me right now. At the end of the first meeting, I got a patient guide in psychoeducation, listing all the things that's normally very difficult for a person, who has just had a total mental breakdown.
There's three things in focus for me right now on that list, and that's:

• food
• fresh air
• sleep/relaxation

All the other things is of course also important, but it's those 3 I have to focus on. Well, some of the points of the list is naturally connected in one way or another - like reducing stress and pressure vs. rest/sleep/relaxation...
Medication is also on the list, which I of course also have to remember to take regularly.

They have discussed my medication at the Psychiatrist Team Center, and they didn't want to change it right now. They want to see the full effect of me going up to 200 mg Sertraline, since it can take several weeks to work.

During the meetings, I get very tired. I'm so fortunate to have my friend and neighbor by my side, so I have someone to discuss the meetings with, and also to remember the different things for me. My memory is really to the "Alzheimer" side - if I don't write things down, I simply forget them.

So until next time, I have to accept, that my brain is working hard on getting better, and therefore my resources for other stuff is down. I have to learn to accept, that I need a lot of sleep and rest, and that my neighbor and my big boy is able to help me in the house.

I should try to look at it, as for one day, I have 10 portions of energy. The Psychiatrist Team is (as my Psychologist) impressed, that I am still able to do my full time job. But as I also try to explain to them, it's one thing I am good at. A thing that interests me, and where I feel needed and have success with what I am doing.
But back to my ten portions of energy:
Going to work full time I should see as taking 7 portions of my energy. Taking care of the kids minimum 2 portions of energy, and making dinner 1 portion of my energy.
If I force myself to do more, I take that energy from my body, that it needs to get better. That's why I don't see the full effect of the treatment - I simply demand too much from myself on daily basis.And that way my body and brain has no left over resources to fight my mental condition.

It's hard to accept that I'm sick. It's hard not to force myself to do stuff. But I have to give it my best shot at getting better, so I do, as the doctor "prescribes." Try to relax and let my body and mind get the time it needs to heal...

Read More

I have been so tired lately and had no desire to write

I have my period, fortunately normally this time. But I get so tired, when I have it, I sleep almost all the time - so I feel bad for the children, since I don't have the energy to do something active with them.
Each time I get my period, it reminds me about the miscarriage. Reminds me, that I now should have been a mom again, and all the thoughts about the future, that I was dreaming of, was shattered by the man, that I loved so much.

I have a visit from the Psychiatrist Team today, and I hope they have some news about my medication. It takes a lot of energy to live with anxiety and depression. I'm tired of being scared of almost everything, I'm tired of feeling like the worst person on earth. I wish I could move forward more quickly, but I also know that a mental sickness is not easy to fight. And the energy to fight is hard to find.
But lets see, what the Psychiatrist Team has to say today...

Read More

Second and final danceshow

We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room.
I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction.
But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile.

My parents came around noon, I was preparing dinner for this evening. I hate the thought of food, but this was vegetables that I was preparing, and I can handle that.
My mom and step dad were both so amazed of what I had done in the bathroom, but well... They dont know the right end to hold a screwdriver them selves, so...

Well, we went to the dance show, and there was naturally many people, which I have difficulties to handle. But I managed, we saw my little girls show, and shortly after buying the group picture, we went home.On the way out of there I saw a potential boyfriend smiling at me, and I smiled back to him. However, I don't know who he is, or did not talk to him at all. I'm scared. I'll probably end up as an old woman with lots of cats ;-)

So now I am in my "safe spot", the sofa, in the room with the fireplace, with all curtains closed. It seems I have survived yet another day in the world.

Read More