Panick attacks comes like lightening from clear sky

Yesterday I was actually having a "medium" day, and I finally had something to look forward to, so I didn't expect this coming at all.

I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep.

I want to know WHY this is happening. Why I get such panic attacks and loose total control of myself and my own wishes... Cause I don't wish to cut myself, I don't want to drink - its just a form of escape. What is bothering me so much for the moment, that I loose total control(?)

Read More

A little light starts to take form

Getting out in the garden yesterday, doing just a little work, was really good for me. My thoughts started to go in another direction.

I have had absolutely no idea of what to do about Easter Vacation until then. All our previous vacations had one destination, and that was to my ex boyfriends country, a lovely place - so we could also visit his family.
Before that, we have always been camping, but I cant do the camping myself, and it does not interest me anymore.

So, now I have rented a summerhouse at the sea. I really miss the waters, the beach, the sounds of nature. And I have planned absolutely nothing, but to take walks along the beach, maybe do a little fishing, collecting beautiful stones and seashells, and making bonfire at the waterside with the children.

Nearby there's a harbor, and I love to go to a harbor. Buying a big ice cream and looking at the boats. Listening to the birds, and the wires slapping against the sailing boats masts. Feeling the light breeze in my face and just relaxing on a bench in the sun.

This is something I really look forward to, and even though it might seem like a little thing to have vacation planned, its means a huge deal to me. To have something to look forward to in the future.


Picture by: mybulldog

Read More

A new start, new dreams for the future starts to take form

After my total mental breakdown, after the dissociation phase, it has all been darkness and a sorrow so deep, that a future was totally impossible to even think about. I was living from moment to moment. When I was falling asleep, it was with the hope never to wake up again.

After the visit from the psychiatrist team today, I went outside in the sunshine to clear my brain. I didn't think about anything particular, but started to clean a little weed, looking at the flowers, that starts to fight their way up through the dirt and bring a little sunshine to the world.
Being out in the sun helps me a lot, even though if its just for a short while. The weed I remove, or the little gardening I get done, does not matter - its not the goal.

I start to have little lights at the end of the tunnel now. In the garden I finally got an idea for the Easter Vacation.
All our vacations has previously gone to my ex boyfriends home country, so we could visit his family. He comes from a beautiful area, where there's a lot of activities. So the last years we never had any thoughts about where to go during vacation - that's why it has been so hard on me to even make up an idea.

Also in regards to the house and the garden, I couldn't think about a future here - here I have lost almost everything. Sometimes I have even had the thought, that this house was cursed in some way!
But I start to feel it growing safer to me - its hard to explain. Before I just wanted to run away, but now I get little ideas - which I of course know I should not put a plan up for realizing in near future (because I must focus on resting and sleeping). But the very thought, that I now get little ideas, little dreams - even how small - that must mean that I am in the good direction.
For the first time, I actually start to have a little hope, little dreams for the future. Something to look forward to - and that makes SO much difference.

Read More

Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better.
It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children.

My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however as I also said, so am I - so its totally understandable.
The psychiatrist however told me, that another fact is, that it is very hard to see a person so horrible down all the time. And it is impossible for a person, who has never tried deep depression and anxiety to know, how much it affects the mind as well as the body.
The tiredness is almost overwhelming, and unfortunately I don't have a husband or boyfriend to support me though all this. There's no one to take the practical daily burdens on my shoulder, and I have not the steady support, that you normally would have in a husband.

We also talked about the birthday of my boy, how it went (and especially didn't go as planned). However the psychiatrist told me, that I should look at it as a little success: we made it through the bowling - and even though it brought memories back from when we were 4 playing, I went through that.
Doing the birthday cake, the day after, was also one of the little successes. It was a recipe, I had developed for my boyfriend. And making it again after he left me, that was hard. But I did it!

So all in all: I should look at the little successes, the good moments, and not at the failures. Fighting a mental disease is hard!

Read More

My sons birthday with my parents

Saturday we had my parents coming to coffee, buns and cake.
I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much.
But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff.
In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where I of course fell asleep exhausted on the sofa.
Even though it was just my parents, "entertaining" guests is not very nice for me right now. It takes a lot of energy to be social.

Read More

My sons birthday: going out is a struggle

My son had chosen to go bowling and after that, we should have dinner at a Chinese restaurant on his birthday. So we all dressed up and went to the bowling center. I felt the normal slight anxiety getting in there with all the other people, but I just had to, and tried not to look anybody in the eyes.
Already at the counter, it started, since the owner of the center has children that goes to school with my children. So she asked, if I was starting to feel better, and I didn't really knew what to answer - so I just told her, as it is, that "I have to accept that it will take a long time."
During bowling, suddenly a guy comes up to me and asked, if I was not from work? First then I recognized him - there has been so many different people at work lately, since we are building heavily.
So there it was - bye bye anonymity, and I didn't feel totally good about that.

Later at the restaurant, we got a table in the middle of the room. That was nice enough, but then more and more people came in, and during the first course I felt the panic attacks coming. So my son quickly ordered a bill and we had to go home.

I felt like a complete failure, however the Psychiatric Team has told me to look at the positive in this experience, and also learn from it. I had a good time (sort of) in the bowling center - but forcing myself to do both the restaurant visit and the bowling, that was apparently too much right now.

After that day I was completely wasted, and slept a lot. It for sure takes all your energy to fight anxiety.

Read More

Memories of my ex boyfriend was everywhere at first...

- but now it seems to finally begin to lighten.
Each time I opened the freezer, there was huge packs of meat, so I could prepare the big meals necessary, when you are cooking for a family of 4, where the husband and the big teenager are heavy eaters. Seeing that in the freezer also brought memories from the time, when we went to the store buying it all the 4 of us...
But little after little we have used it up, and the memories from that start to fade.
I think, that a part of my eating problem is caused by the fact, that I always enjoyed to make dinner for all of them. We were a family, and it was more a rule than an exception, that I served 2 or 3 courses at dinner. I enjoyed that, to make everybody happy about the dinner I was serving - and especially my ex boyfriend, since his abilities in the kitchen was quite limited.

But I'm starting to "take my kitchen back" in some way. I even bought a new food processor!
Somehow every little new stuff in the house seems to make the memories fade more and more. I still have no appetite at all, and I'm still disgusted by food and making it, but it seems that I am in the right direction in that regard.

In the kitchen cabinets is still the foie gras, which I should have served as an entry at his birthday, and the candied cherries, that should have been used for his birthday cake. In the candle drawer is still the candlenumber of his birthday age to put on his birthday cake, and his birthday present is still wrapped in the closet of my daughter. Everything for his birthday was prepared for a long time, my phone still have huge lists of ideas for his birthday. I wanted to do everything to make him happy, even though nothing seemed to be good enough for him. 
But I am going to start to change the memories from that too. Since the children does not like the foie gras, I guess I'll give it as a gift to someone who will enjoy it. The candle with his age, well, I guess it makes a good purpose in the fireplace.

Everywhere in the house there was pictures of him, me and the children. I loved the times we spend together, when we were in nature, on bikes, on hikes, sailing, fishing and making bonfire out in nature, picking mushrooms... I thought it was so wonderful to have a man, that enjoyed those things as much as I did - but the love he had for me never existed. I see it all as a lie now. 
So, most of the pictures we have changed. Now we mainly have pictures of the children, and some of their dead father. There is still a couple with my ex boyfriend left in the house, that needs to be changed, but its a good start.

When my ex boyfriend left, we were in the process of renewing the bathroom.
Now it has become "the childrens and my" bathroom. We have decided together, what we want to put there.
Chose the furniture, the pictures, the candle arrangement etc.
You are not able to notice such details on this picture, however around the glasses with the candles, there is little stones and sea shells, which we have collected on some of our trips to the ocean. This brings in some way some peace and nature to the room, which I enjoy very much. (The plant however, I have decided to change - lol) Its too big, but for now it's there.

Every little change in the house makes the memories and "wish" of the family, I thought we had, fade a little - and change into the acceptance of the family we are now. Me and the children.

Read More

Second visit from the Psychiatrist Team

Today we talked about the most important for me right now. At the end of the first meeting, I got a patient guide in psychoeducation, listing all the things that's normally very difficult for a person, who has just had a total mental breakdown.
There's three things in focus for me right now on that list, and that's:

• food
• fresh air
• sleep/relaxation

All the other things is of course also important, but it's those 3 I have to focus on. Well, some of the points of the list is naturally connected in one way or another - like reducing stress and pressure vs. rest/sleep/relaxation...
Medication is also on the list, which I of course also have to remember to take regularly.

They have discussed my medication at the Psychiatrist Team Center, and they didn't want to change it right now. They want to see the full effect of me going up to 200 mg Sertraline, since it can take several weeks to work.

During the meetings, I get very tired. I'm so fortunate to have my friend and neighbor by my side, so I have someone to discuss the meetings with, and also to remember the different things for me. My memory is really to the "Alzheimer" side - if I don't write things down, I simply forget them.

So until next time, I have to accept, that my brain is working hard on getting better, and therefore my resources for other stuff is down. I have to learn to accept, that I need a lot of sleep and rest, and that my neighbor and my big boy is able to help me in the house.

I should try to look at it, as for one day, I have 10 portions of energy. The Psychiatrist Team is (as my Psychologist) impressed, that I am still able to do my full time job. But as I also try to explain to them, it's one thing I am good at. A thing that interests me, and where I feel needed and have success with what I am doing.
But back to my ten portions of energy:
Going to work full time I should see as taking 7 portions of my energy. Taking care of the kids minimum 2 portions of energy, and making dinner 1 portion of my energy.
If I force myself to do more, I take that energy from my body, that it needs to get better. That's why I don't see the full effect of the treatment - I simply demand too much from myself on daily basis.And that way my body and brain has no left over resources to fight my mental condition.

It's hard to accept that I'm sick. It's hard not to force myself to do stuff. But I have to give it my best shot at getting better, so I do, as the doctor "prescribes." Try to relax and let my body and mind get the time it needs to heal...

Read More

I have been so tired lately and had no desire to write

I have my period, fortunately normally this time. But I get so tired, when I have it, I sleep almost all the time - so I feel bad for the children, since I don't have the energy to do something active with them.
Each time I get my period, it reminds me about the miscarriage. Reminds me, that I now should have been a mom again, and all the thoughts about the future, that I was dreaming of, was shattered by the man, that I loved so much.

I have a visit from the Psychiatrist Team today, and I hope they have some news about my medication. It takes a lot of energy to live with anxiety and depression. I'm tired of being scared of almost everything, I'm tired of feeling like the worst person on earth. I wish I could move forward more quickly, but I also know that a mental sickness is not easy to fight. And the energy to fight is hard to find.
But lets see, what the Psychiatrist Team has to say today...

Read More

Second and final danceshow

We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room.
I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction.
But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile.

My parents came around noon, I was preparing dinner for this evening. I hate the thought of food, but this was vegetables that I was preparing, and I can handle that.
My mom and step dad were both so amazed of what I had done in the bathroom, but well... They dont know the right end to hold a screwdriver them selves, so...

Well, we went to the dance show, and there was naturally many people, which I have difficulties to handle. But I managed, we saw my little girls show, and shortly after buying the group picture, we went home.On the way out of there I saw a potential boyfriend smiling at me, and I smiled back to him. However, I don't know who he is, or did not talk to him at all. I'm scared. I'll probably end up as an old woman with lots of cats ;-)

So now I am in my "safe spot", the sofa, in the room with the fireplace, with all curtains closed. It seems I have survived yet another day in the world.

Read More

First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team

I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day.
To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options.

Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough"  through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time.
After that, they got presented with the medication, that I take now.

1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 200 mg.

2. Tolmin (Mianserinhydrochlorid)
10 mg

3. Apozepam (Diazepam)
25 mg

4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
"Valerina forte"
 "Drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"


The Psychiatrist team advised me not to take the nature medicine. There's apparently a suspicion, that it effects the other chemicals.

For now, I should keep on the dose of prescribed medication, until the entire Psychiatrist Team has discussed, if I should change medication and/or dose.


At the end of the meeting, they presented me with a list, a Patient guide in psychoeducation.

calm down
relief
reduce stress and pressure
sleep
structure the day
personal hygiene
food / drink
small activities
fresh air
exercise
rest
medicine
no alcohol
no drugs

I started to cry, when I saw the list. All of the symptoms above (besides drugs) is something, that I fight with. It was both scary - and a relief - to see a list like that. This means, that I'm not "abnormal" in my reaction to a total mental breakdown. And these are the things, they are going to help me with.
Until I get better, I should stop seeing my Psychologist, cause I wont be able to do serious work with him, while I'm still as down as I am.

The Psychiatrist Team is coming again next Tuesday, so lets see what happens then.

Read More

Cutting

I cant escape. There's no way out of here.
Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it.
There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible). 
But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here....

I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell.
Living hell on earth!

I have started cutting again. I know - not a good thing... It's a down spiral.
This picture is of my left arm. The scars is from yesterday, so you dont see the bleeding.
I enjoy the pain when I cut!
It makes me feel alive.
Seeing the blood streaming from my body confirms, that I am living - even though I feel dead.

The psy team is coming tomorrow - I hope they have something to offer!

Read More

A New Family Member(?)

We have decided to get another family member - a kitten.
It's just difficult, since our cat "Kitty" is very nervous - especially after we had the dog.
So we are looking for a kitten, that is not too old - 8-10 weeks. Hopefully it wont scare our Kitty.

There is no kittens available online for now - only "older" kittens, like 6 months+.
We can't risk that. We don't want to make this a fight for Kitty to be in her house. She has already experienced that, and now she is finally feeling that the whole house is access able.
However  spring is coming up, so perhaps we will find a new "family" member at that time.

Read More

I Feel Trapped

I don't really care where I end up, when I die. Nothing can be worse than this.
I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore.
If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapped.

Read More

I See No Future

Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day.
I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state.
I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers".
I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken...

Read More

Are You Ready To Date(?)

- or something like that was written on an advertisement, I saw on an internet site I visited today.
The advertisement also said something like: " you know yourself and your wishes - let us find the perfect match for you, who shares the same wishes as you."

Shortly after I read that, I went to the dance show with my children, and didn't really think about it, until I started to notice some men looking at me and smiling at me.
I wished the earth would open up underneath me and swallow me! I was scared to be among so many people first of all, but to have men smiling at me... I was not prepared for that.
Fortunately I had my big boy next to me - he is really starting to be big now - when we were driving to the dance show, we joked about him being our "bodyguard".
But its not a total joke - if he had not been there, I don't know, what I would have done. It just feels wrong somehow - my son is protecting his mother - not like it used to be. Me, as a mother, protecting my son.
Well, lets just say, that there was a lot of potential boyfriends there, but I am not ready. I'm scared. I don't know what scares me the most... To start loving another person again (and risk getting treated like waste), or to never fall in love again.

When we came home, I did however make a false profile on a free dating site - just to take a look at "what is out there". My little girl saw me looking, and even though I told her, that I am just looking, I'm not planning on doing anything, she said the wise words:
"Didn't you find our step dad on the internet(?)"
(She means my ex boyfriend, who left without a goodbye)

We had a good talk about that. And as I have told both my children, I am not ready to date anybody. I'm scared now. My last boyfriend turned into something, that I don't know what was. We started by being the best friends, we could talk about everything. We were so much in love. Well, so I thought. To him, I guess it was just an opportunity to leave a world, that he didn't like, for some years. And we were his tools.

I have lost it once before I've pulled myself up from the floor
And I am looking for a reason to stay standing
But sometimes it's just too much or not enough or something else
It's so much bigger than my head, it's too demanding

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to go slow
And sometimes if you wanna hold on you got to let go

Read More

We Are Going To A Danceshow Today - Anxiety....

My little girl takes danceclasses, and now the team is going to preform a danseshow today. Since its in another city, we have to drive there, and of course I want to see her preform on stage.
However anxiety is hard on me, I'm scared to even get out of the house. I'm scared to be in a room filled with people... I', scared I will have a panic attack up there...
But I can't let my little girl down, so I simply have to get it together and force myself to do this. It's not going to be easy - but well, life is not easy at all.
I wish I had someone to go with me, but she is preforming next week also, and then my mom will  be there. She can't be there for me all the time, she is not well herself.

Read More

Theres One Neighbor I'm Scared Of

He started by calling me, while my friend was visiting this morning, so I chose not to take the call. However he called half an hour later, while the children and my friend was sorting some of my ex husbands things. I answered that call, and it was obvious, that he had been drinking heavily.  He wanted me to come over, but I refused, and I had difficulties to get him off the phone without being impolite.
I told the children and my friend what happened. My friend already knew the particular neighbor was drunk, so they were all watching out for him. Fortunately he has not come over yet!

During the whole day he has been calling me, I don't know how many times! Of course I don't answer the phone, and now I start to be scared, that he will come over during the evening.
I'm almost paranoid with locking the doors, I start to fear, when the phone will ring the next time - and I am really scared that he will suddenly stand outside our door.
This is really something, that I don't need right now. My anxiety is hard on me already, and now I have to fight the fear of that particular neighbor too.

We are trying to have a nice evening, with a good movie - but the fear is in the thoughts all the time. I really wish that I had a man in the house, that I could cuddle into and feel safe.

Read More

I have been sick - but mentally I start to feel a bit better

I haven't been writing for some days now, I have been running a fever again and spend most of my time sleeping and having the worst dreams.
However today I managed to get to work, and after lab work was done, I went back to work from home. I feel better in my "safe spot."
I worked until 17, but after that I actually also managed to do some work around the house since dinner was already made. It's nice, to start to feel a little bit of excitement. A little spark of desire to actually do something, instead of just sitting crumbled together in a chair staring empty out of the window.
Remembering my psy tools: do not demand anything from yourself, keep your ambition level to a minimum. After having had such a total mental breakdown, the depression will hit hard. So I just have to focus on getting the normal household running, and if I then have the desire to do a little extra - I should be happy about that. And I am.
Today, besides taking care of the children and my job, dinner etc. - I also did some work on the house. Hung up some pictures, a towel dryer in the bathroom...
So, now I feel tired in a good way, and anxiety is not that hard on me. I know that feeling can easily change to the worse in an hour, but I'll try to keep focus on the good moments :-)

Read More

Cleaning Up After My Ex Boyfriend And Husband

I think a little about my never ending "to-do-list". I haven't made an actual list, cause it will just make me scared to look at it!
But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore.

Stuff after my ex husband
We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse!
However going through his stuff is more easy, since he has no need or wish to keep stuff anymore, therefore we don't have to worry about his opinion. Now its up to the children and me to decide, whether we feel something for the stuff, that he left behind, and would like to keep that for sentimental reasons.
The task is going to be difficult emotionally though, and I'm scared, that the children and me will be overwhelmed with sorrow, while doing the job.

Stuff after my ex boyfriend
This is more difficult in another way. After the way he left us, I don't believe, there will be a lot of sorrow attached to that. Especially not for the children. And for me, well, lets face the reality... He represented a dream of a husband, which he was never really wanted to be.
We have already started to remove pictures of him around the house, and replace it with pictures of the childrens father. I know for sure, that the childrens father loved us all for real - he was just too sick and not able to fight his alcoholism.
However - no matter what my ex boyfriend did to us - I find it difficult to throw away his stuff. I can't in any way know, what kind of stuff that means something for him emotionally, if anything at all. As I wrote in an earlier post, "what was actually important to my boyfriend(?)"
I have asked several times in mails, if there's special stuff, he would like to keep, but I get no answer.
I really don't want to throw away stuff, that means something to him - even after the horrible way he left me - I can't do that. On the other hand, we can't keep storing it forever. And I really have no belief, that he will come one day and transport it back to his own country.

What to do(?)
Well, I have planned to "arm" myself with my neighbor. Get the one garage, where some of my ex husbands stuff is stored, get the stuff in that garage sorted and cleaned out. She will be able to help me and the children through the sorrow, when it arrives.
That way the trailer will fit into the garage, and we will be able to load it little by little, with other stuff, that we want to throw away (without the stuff getting wet and heavy by rain.)


What I personally need to do:
Remember my Psychologist Tools: accept that I am sick. Not to make too many plans. Not to force myself.

Read More

Depression Makes My Energy Level Low

After my mental breakdown, I was able to do a lot of stuff. I practically buried myself in work, both at my job and the building on the house. I guess it was also some kind of escape, or caused by the dissociation.
Now depression is making every task almost impossible to get through, and anxiety and panic attacks takes a lot of the little energy that I have.
I feel the need to sleep a lot, and even though I try to do so, I feel tired all the time.

Even so, I managed to do some work around the house during the weekend. Since the sun was shining, and it helps to get out of the house into the sunshine, we also went into the garden, and did a little stuff there.

One of my Psy Tools is to look at the positive, that I have done - and not to look at all the stuff, that I don't get done. I'm still working on accepting that I'm sick, and since I have a tendency to demand way to much from myself, I'm not really successful in looking at the positive. I always feel, that I could and should have done more.... Right now I just have to try to accept, that I am sick, and that my mental condition requires me to get more rest and sleep.

Read More

My Ex Boyfirend In My Childrens Oppinion

I have had several good talks with my children today :-)
We started talking about one of our neighbors, which we are afraid of. (I'll probably go into details another day)
The point is, that this talk lead to a talk about my ex boyfriend.
I was quite surprised about their opinions on him...

My little girl said: he never had time for us. He just used us. When my girl came to him with a problem on school work, my ex boyfriend never "had time." Her thought is, that he was just playing games, and that he had a site that he quickly flashed to, to prevent her from seeing that. She never felt, that he was there for her for real, and she feels, that he just used us to have a place, where he could play games. And then she mentioned, that he left and never even said goodbye!

I asked my big boy, how he felt about what my little girl said. He said, that he felt the same thing. But he also added, that he had noticed, that my ex boyfriend never made a real attempt to get into life here. He stopped language classes, he never applied for a job here. He was just sitting behind his computer doing "whatever" - and never really took a part of the family. Besides that, my boy also felt, that everything my  buy did, was wrong in my boyfriends opinion.

It was good to have that talk with my children.
As I told them: we (I) have to be more wise, when I choose my next boyfriend. And that is not going to happen in near future. My trust in men in general has been put to zero.

What is important about this, is we, the children and me, had this conversation. We are starting to feel like a family again - "a team."

Read More

Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great

The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help.
But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done.

My current social worker - I had no confidence in her at all - until today!
My God, she was really able to spot the problems, that I fight the most.
I have paid thousands of euros on psychiatric and psychologist help - and in 90 minutes she was able to spot the main part of what is bothering me the most. My father!
She is not worried about the children, she is worried about me! 

The short version is, that my father put a fist into my face, and after that he told me "I am no longer your father".

I'll make it short now, cause I'm very tired.
Since I was 6 years old, I watched my father beat up my mom. Theres a lot of ugly episodes of that...

The point is, that I of course need to work on that, and also get medication to get better. The psy district is going to help me with that, and in the mean time I control my medication with my mom and my own previous experiences.

Read More

Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment

I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me.
At the same time I got more relaxation medicine.

I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle...
Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the thought comes to mind... I have a full package of relaxation medicine, an full package of my own anti depressives, some anti depressives that my ex boyfriend left behind him, and the normal stuff, that every family always has on stock, like paracetamol etc. Will it be enough(?)
And at the second after I know, that I cant allow myself that thought.

I'm just so tired. Physically and mentally.

Read More

I dont know anything at all

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
& that's okay with me

I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

Read More

Psychologist Visit 7: I Need More Help

First of all, my visit to my Psychologist started out very bad. Even though I was in good time, 20 minutes before the meeting, I couldn't find a parking spot.

I drove around the city, where they are rebuilding parking spots and roads all over - my GPS was at no help at all of course, since it does not know the twists and turns during building of new roads.

Read More