Panick attacks comes like lightening from clear sky

Yesterday I was actually having a "medium" day, and I finally had something to look forward to, so I didn't expect this coming at all. I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep. I...

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A little light starts to take form

Getting out in the garden yesterday, doing just a little work, was really good for me. My thoughts started to go in another direction. I have had absolutely no idea of what to do about Easter Vacation until then. All our previous vacations had one destination, and that was to my ex boyfriends country, a lovely place - so we could also visit his family. Before that, we have always been camping, but I cant do the camping myself, and it does not interest...

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A new start, new dreams for the future starts to take form

After my total mental breakdown, after the dissociation phase, it has all been darkness and a sorrow so deep, that a future was totally impossible to even think about. I was living from moment to moment. When I was falling asleep, it was with the hope never to wake up again. After the visit from the psychiatrist team today, I went outside in the sunshine to clear my brain. I didn't think about anything particular, but started to clean a little weed, looking at the flowers, that starts to fight their way up through the dirt and bring a little sunshine...

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Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better. It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children. My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however...

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My sons birthday with my parents

Saturday we had my parents coming to coffee, buns and cake. I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much. But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff. In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where...

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My sons birthday: going out is a struggle

My son had chosen to go bowling and after that, we should have dinner at a Chinese restaurant on his birthday. So we all dressed up and went to the bowling center. I felt the normal slight anxiety getting in there with all the other people, but I just had to, and tried not to look anybody in the eyes. Already at the counter, it started, since the owner of the center has children that goes to school with my children. So she asked, if I was starting to feel better, and I didn't really knew what to answer - so I just told her, as it is, that "I have...

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Memories of my ex boyfriend was everywhere at first...

- but now it seems to finally begin to lighten. Each time I opened the freezer, there was huge packs of meat, so I could prepare the big meals necessary, when you are cooking for a family of 4, where the husband and the big teenager are heavy eaters. Seeing that in the freezer also brought memories from the time, when we went to the store buying it all the 4 of us... But little after little we have used it up, and the memories from that start to...

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Second visit from the Psychiatrist Team

Today we talked about the most important for me right now. At the end of the first meeting, I got a patient guide in psychoeducation, listing all the things that's normally very difficult for a person, who has just had a total mental breakdown. There's three things in focus for me right now on that list, and that's: food fresh air sleep/relaxation All the other things is of course also important, but it's those 3 I have to focus on. Well, some of the points of the list is naturally connected in one way or another - like reducing stress and pressure...

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I have been so tired lately and had no desire to write

I have my period, fortunately normally this time. But I get so tired, when I have it, I sleep almost all the time - so I feel bad for the children, since I don't have the energy to do something active with them. Each time I get my period, it reminds me about the miscarriage. Reminds me, that I now should have been a mom again, and all the thoughts about the future, that I was dreaming of, was shattered by the man, that I loved so much. I have a visit from the Psychiatrist Team today, and I hope they have some news about my medication. It takes...

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Second and final danceshow

We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room. I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction. But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile. My...

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First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team

I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day. To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options. Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough"  through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time. After...

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Cutting

I cant escape. There's no way out of here. Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it. There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible).  But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here.... I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell. Living...

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A New Family Member(?)

We have decided to get another family member - a kitten. It's just difficult, since our cat "Kitty" is very nervous - especially after we had the dog. So we are looking for a kitten, that is not too old - 8-10 weeks. Hopefully it wont scare our Kitty. There is no kittens available online for now - only "older" kittens, like 6 months+. We can't risk that. We don't want to make this a fight for Kitty to be in her house. She has already experienced that, and now she is finally feeling that the whole house is access able. However  spring is coming...

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I Feel Trapped

I don't really care where I end up, when I die. Nothing can be worse than this. I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore. If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapp...

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I See No Future

Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day. I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state. I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore. Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers". I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken......

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Are You Ready To Date(?)

- or something like that was written on an advertisement, I saw on an internet site I visited today. The advertisement also said something like: " you know yourself and your wishes - let us find the perfect match for you, who shares the same wishes as you." Shortly after I read that, I went to the dance show with my children, and didn't really think about it, until I started to notice some men looking at me and smiling at me. I wished the earth would open up underneath me and swallow me! I was scared to be among so many people first of all, but...

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We Are Going To A Danceshow Today - Anxiety....

My little girl takes danceclasses, and now the team is going to preform a danseshow today. Since its in another city, we have to drive there, and of course I want to see her preform on stage. However anxiety is hard on me, I'm scared to even get out of the house. I'm scared to be in a room filled with people... I', scared I will have a panic attack up there... But I can't let my little girl down, so I simply have to get it together and force myself to do this. It's not going to be easy - but well, life is not easy at all. I wish I had someone to...

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Theres One Neighbor I'm Scared Of

He started by calling me, while my friend was visiting this morning, so I chose not to take the call. However he called half an hour later, while the children and my friend was sorting some of my ex husbands things. I answered that call, and it was obvious, that he had been drinking heavily.  He wanted me to come over, but I refused, and I had difficulties to get him off the phone without being impolite. I told the children and my friend what happened. My friend already knew the particular neighbor was drunk, so they were all watching out...

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I have been sick - but mentally I start to feel a bit better

I haven't been writing for some days now, I have been running a fever again and spend most of my time sleeping and having the worst dreams. However today I managed to get to work, and after lab work was done, I went back to work from home. I feel better in my "safe spot." I worked until 17, but after that I actually also managed to do some work around the house since dinner was already made. It's nice, to start to feel a little bit of excitement. A little spark of desire to actually do something, instead of just sitting crumbled together in a chair...

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Cleaning Up After My Ex Boyfriend And Husband

I think a little about my never ending "to-do-list". I haven't made an actual list, cause it will just make me scared to look at it! But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore. Stuff after my ex husband We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse! However going through his stuff is more easy, since...

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Depression Makes My Energy Level Low

After my mental breakdown, I was able to do a lot of stuff. I practically buried myself in work, both at my job and the building on the house. I guess it was also some kind of escape, or caused by the dissociation. Now depression is making every task almost impossible to get through, and anxiety and panic attacks takes a lot of the little energy that I have. I feel the need to sleep a lot, and even though I try to do so, I feel tired all the time. Even so, I managed to do some work around the house during the weekend. Since the sun was shining,...

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My Ex Boyfirend In My Childrens Oppinion

I have had several good talks with my children today :-) We started talking about one of our neighbors, which we are afraid of. (I'll probably go into details another day) The point is, that this talk lead to a talk about my ex boyfriend. I was quite surprised about their opinions on him... My little girl said: he never had time for us. He just used us. When my girl came to him with a problem on school work, my ex boyfriend never "had time." Her thought is, that he was just playing games, and that he had a site that he quickly flashed to, to prevent...

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Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great

The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help. But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done. My current...

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Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment

I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me. At the same time I got more relaxation medicine. I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle... Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the...

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I dont know anything at all

Love of my life, my soulmate You're my best friend Part of me like breathing Now half of me is left Color me blue I'm lost in you Don't know why I'm still waiting Many moons have come & gone Don't know why I'm still searching Now you're a song I love to sing Never thought it feels so free Now I know what's meant to be & that's okay with me I don't know anything at all & who am I to say you love me I don't know anything at all & who am I to say you need me I don't know anything at ...

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Psychologist Visit 7: I Need More Help

First of all, my visit to my Psychologist started out very bad. Even though I was in good time, 20 minutes before the meeting, I couldn't find a parking spot. I drove around the city, where they are rebuilding parking spots and roads all over - my GPS was at no help at all of course, since it does not know the twists and turns during building of new roads...

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