Depression And Sorrow

After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog...

Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90...

I feel the depression running through me, and I know it will be a big part of the "healing." After all, the total numbness I felt during my mental breakdown is a dissociation, a defense. Now I feel the feelings, and I have to go through them, otherwise I wont get to the other side of this.

But its not easy! Sometimes it seems feeling numb was better. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, a part of me has died. It's so beautiful put in this movie clip from the movie Twilight:

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

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If you consider ....

I ask you one more thing, if you can handle it.
Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help others.

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I'm Down, Big Time Down

I have been down before, but this time... I don't know...
I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another.
I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough.
There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on earth!

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Fighting Low Self Asteem And Depression

At work, we are discovering new ways of creating CO2 friendly energy. It's also wearing me out! But this will help with reducing not only CO2 emission, but also methane emission - which has a 22 times stronger effect.So it's big time important!!!
I love to be a part of this - actually I have the main part in this, since my lab is the one running the first - now second and third results. Everyone is constantly calling me for "updates" - so I had to put my phone on hold.
Spain, Portugal, USA, Sweden, wherever we build a plant, they are asking me for solutions and answers. That's cool.
But depression is eating me up. I wish I could see the positive of what I am doing, instead I have the tendency to focus on all the shit that I lack to do.

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Escape AKA Pushing The Pause Button

I have been mentioning the term "to escape" a lot of times, but I have never really described it.
When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions.
In general I have a lot of options to do that:
Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too)
Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often.
To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need to get that stopped.
To drink alcohol. I have done that also, mainly in the beginning of my mental breakdown. And that's a really bad idea, cause it also inflicts with medication etc., and it gives the worst "moral hangover".

I think everybody, who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks has tried a lot of different things to escape from it. Cause its really the worst experience, as I have tied to describe in an earlier post. I guess other people has tried and found other ways to escape. Some perhaps smokes hash, some do harder drugs - fortunately I personally don't have that desire.

The problem with escaping is, that the problems, that you try to escape from, will still be there afterwords. Escape is just like pushing the pause button to your life. It does not resolve the problems, its just a pause.

According to my Psychologist it is okay to "push the pause button" once in a while, and we should forgive ourselves for that, when we have done it. We are only humans, and anxiety can really be so hard to fight, that escaping from ourselves in one way or another seems to be the only alternative to suicide.

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Anxiety Attacks AKA Panic Attacks

Anxiety or panic attacks has control of me now. I do not control the attacks, they control me. With help from my Psychologist and the tools he gives me, I work on twisting that around.
I continue research. As famous people during history has said:

• Knowledge is power (Sir Francis Bacon)
• The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance (Socrates)

I think anxiety has been following me throughout childhood. It is buried deep inside of me. And that's the reason, that I try to escape.
The question is: how do you escape from a panic attack(?)
Normal people feel fear in dangerous situations. First thing in a mind of a person in fear is flee - run away from the "thing" that is threatening you.

But we who suffer from panic and anxiety attacks - we have to flee from ourselves. Because the dangerous situations is in our minds, and the people we hate the most is ourselves - so I guess the "question" for today is:" how do we escape from ourselves?"

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My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself....
But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you".
Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone.
It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good.

I miss the time, when he was telling me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was - not only beautiful as "pretty" - but beautiful as a person. He noticed, and made it worth to me, that I have an amazing empathy for other living beings. Not just people, but a little duck in the pond, a little dog on the road... And of course especially people in general.
But I guess, that he noticed that so especially, because he lacks empathy himself. My ex boyfriend (as my Psychologist told me) must have an empathy disorder, caused by being a psychopath or a narcissist. Otherwise he would not be capable to do to me, what he did.

Despite of everything he has done to me, I still miss him. Especially as a friend. Before we met in real life, we had the most wonderful talks ever. I miss talking to him most of all.
And after we met in real life and moved in together, I miss laying my head on his shoulders in the evening, feeling the heat from his body and falling asleep knowing, that he would take care of me.
Fact is: He actually never did take care of me... When I was sick, he never made me a soup or a cup of tea. But just the feeling that he was there, made me feel good.

I guess what I miss, is the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Someone I can rely on, a best friend, someone to hold me tight and give me a big hug. Someone to come home to. Someone to fall asleep with.

I realize, that what my ex boyfriend was doing was all a lie. I should have realized that, when he (before we met) told me, that "the truth is relative." I'm just too stupid, I  always want to believe in the best of a person.

I still miss him though - ignorant and stupid I must be - but I miss my ex boyfriend. Or... I miss what he represented to me: a husband to come home to, someone to feel close to, a best friend.

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My boys goals canged after his father died

According to my Psychologist I have changed a lot lately. My boy has too.
When he was 6 and until he his father died, he wanted to educate himself as veterinarian. It was  a big change for me to hear, that he changed his wish to be in IT.
I know, where that wish came from. Shortly after his father died, he pronounced, that he wanted to be in IT (just like my ex boyfriend.)
My boy had found a new "father figure", that he wanted to be like.
I wonder, if that will change, now that my boyfriend has left us in that horrible way. But as everything else, only time will show.

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Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today.
He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials called me to reschedule, I told her, that I didn't accept that. I couldn't go on vacation and be speculating about that meeting. I didn't want that - so she had to take overtime to go to us a bit later. And the outcome was perfect. She closed the case.
My Psychologist was very "proud" of me for doing that, it showed some fighting, and that is what I am doing. All the time. I just don't feel that what I do is good enough.

My Psychologist told me, that I still have to accept, that I am sick. I am on an emotional rollercoaster - I will have bad days and less bad days ;-)
My ex boyfriend took our life and future, and in one second crumbled it like a piece of paper and threw it into a waste basket. It is only natural, that I broke down because of that, but despite of all my ex did to me, I have went from a total mental breakdown to actually be functioning on daily basis. He was impressed, that despite of the fact, that I had been hit by a neutron bomb (that was his exact words) I was still standing.

We talked a bit about that BTW. If my ex boyfriend was a psychopath, narcissist, or suffering from some kind of empathy disorder. As I told my Psychologist: the description of all of those sicknesses, in general that can fit into anybody. My Psychologist responded with the fact, that yes of course it can, if you break the sickness into little pieces. What is important is "amount of damage done, frequency and afterward behavior".
So... Unfortunately psychopath is probably what I have been "hit by".

He also reminded me of the fact, that I climbed from a total mental breakdown, to now actually be a person, who is managing to take care of all the basics.

But here is the trap for me apparently. I don't want to do "just basic" stuff, like making sure, that the kids gets a good meal, they have clean clothes, and they do their homework - and of course manage my job. I also want to get stuff done around the house.
My Psychologist once again had to remind me, that I demand way to much from myself. I have to accept, that I am sick, and that I will get better more quickly, if I take the time to relax that I need to.

So once again... I'll do just the necessary stuff, and (try) not to worry about the rest of it.

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I'm Bleeding Again

I can't believe it, I have started to bleed again. It's not like when I had the violent hemorrhage, now it feels more like a normal period. But its not 28 days since I last had the hemorrhage, so... I really need to get checked out, because something can have went wrong, when I had the abortion - I just don't have the energy. Besides they can't check me, when I'm bleeding.
Tiredness is overwhelming, I guess its both from the sickness during the weekend and the period. And besides, its not like I'm overweight, and I lack appetite to eat still.
I have to start working after the vacation today. I don't feel up to it at all, physically, but I miss my work and my colleagues. So despite of everything, I think its going to be a good day.

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I Feel I'm At The Finish Line

My healt is, as I previous told you, not in very good condition. After my mental breakdown, I lost a lot of weight, and even though I have gained some of it back, I seem to attract all the bad stuff out there.
Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!!
I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running, until my boy closed it.
I get the weirdest dreams, and wake up bathing in sweat totally confused. I don't know, if the dream was real or not. First something about my ex boyfriend still being here in the house, and when I woke up, I couldn't find him. The something about me traveling to his current location dressed up as a soldier, armed and "dangerous" to threaten him to give me my pictures and files... Geez.

I'm of course vomiting again, and I can't hold anything down. So I guess my weight is climbing down again!
I feel worthless. I should take care of my children, but I can't right now. Even the very thought of food makes my stomach twist and turn. Fortunately they are big enough to make themselves lunch etc., but the thought of me not doing it, makes me feel bad.

I'm so tired of fighting. I feel I have had enough of life.

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My Ex Husband

I miss my husband so much right now.
Even though "king alcohol" took him in possession totally in the end, which made him a horrible person - I knew he was in there somewhere.
I wish so much, that I could have done something more to help him...
My doctor (which was also my husbands doctor) says, that I did everything possible to help him. But he couldn't fight the desire to drink.
When he didn't drink too much, he was the most wonderful person on earth. When he drank too much however, very bad things happened.
My mom constantly tells me, that I did whatever I could. I visited him in jail several times, when he was there for driving under the influence of alcohol. I paid all the tickets, that he got, for driving under the influence. I tried to get him into AA. But he would not, or perhaps he could not!

All this is about my husband, when he did not drink:
He was the most wonderful person. He was SO talented in his field of building, he was never out of a job. Everybody in the building industry knew his name.
The firm, when he was last hired, had an engineer, who on his phone made calls from my husband say "gold team".

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I Have The Worst Panic Attack This Morning

My little girl is on a sleep over at a friend. My boy is still sleeping. I'm in my "safe spot", which is the sofa, and I have managed to fire up the fireplace and make chamomile tea.
But anxiety is eating me up right now. I try to write my feelings out at the moment.
I'm so scared about the future. What will come next(?) It doesn't really feel like life has been good to us lately.
Will I ever be able to get on the other side of this(?)

There's so many thoughts building up inside...
I have to go to an examination to get my uterus checked after I had my Violent Hemorrhage.
Is there something wrong, since I had that - is that "something" the cause of my Miscarriage(?) Or is it after the abortion, something went wrong(?)

And what about the house(?) Will I be able to handle such a big house on my own(?) Or should I sell it and buy another smaller house(?) Even the thought of moving stresses me out. We have SO much stuff, packing it down seems like a never ending task. Not only our own stuff, but also the stuff from my ex boyfriend, and all the stuff we have, after the death of  the childrens father.

And will we ever be able to get our pictures back(?) I have - again - written a mail to my ex boyfriend in that matter, and of course I have still got no answer.

God, I cant handle all the shit right now, I will allow myself to escape to another place for a moment, and hope that I after a little while will manage to get rid of the anxiety and be able to get some stuff done in the house.

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him.
After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either.

On the top of the piano, there's a sculpture made by my boy (I have to admit, that I don't really know what it is *smile*) - and a candlestick, also made by my boy, which is very beautiful. Both things was gifts for my boyfriend, but he didn't take those things with him.

So I guess now I see even more clearly, what was actually important to him. Or... Put in another way: I see what was NOT important to him.

The computer he cleaned out totally - look for yourself. I had this picture anyway, cause I am now in touch with my attorney to get my files back.
THATS what was important to him.
Computer hardware, that you can buy in any store!
Unique items, that children, that find you special enough to make a gift for you - that means nothing to him.
How cold and hardened can you be, when you find a gift from a child non important(?) 

I don't care about the hardware he took. I care about the files on that hardware. As I wrote before, it concerns not just files, the most important is pictures. Pictures from the last 10 years. And he still has not send it to me.

I realize, that we (the children and me) were not special to him. We meant nothing. We were just "tools".

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