Christmas Is Here With All Its (?) Joy (?)

I'm staying with friends to avoid to be alone - but after a couple of months here I found myself in a bad place - again.
With all its bad stuff like a pounding heart, trouble to breathe, scared of everything, depressed like I don't know what.
The feeling of being alone is worst on the holidays. I look at the couple's smiling at each other, holding hands and buying Christmas presents for the children together.
I can't get thru that my stomach turns into a knot and I feel like womitting from the hurt inside.
I snuggle up in my blankets and pillows, pretending I don't exist.