3 or in the bedroom or what

I'm a bit shocked. Shocked to the point, where I totally shut down, I have nothing to say, and my so-called fiance most certainly has not either.

I was cleaning the bedroom and found several sextoys for men back in his drawer. I don't sleep in the bedroom, but sometimes he does, cause he is "oh so tired and need to sleep early and sleep in quiet upstairs."

I don't recall, what I was thinking at first. 

Sound was just a windy noise in my ears, and my heart felt like it was pounding like a jack hammer.I thought I was gonna loose it, get yet another complete and total mental breakdown this time.

Then I started to pack, but at the same moment I stuffed my suitcase, I remembered, that I no longer owned a car.

I felt SO neglected and unappreciated, I couldn't even get away, when I needed to, cause I had prioritized to save money to buy a new place together, and he uses money on cheating on me.

When sex was hard after my surgery, I bought the game monogamy for US, while he was buying toys FOR OWN pleasure.

I was so disappointed and also very ashamed, that I wasnt good enough to meet his needs. I cried the whole afternoon. I didn't feel worthy of anything, I was nothing.

And that's why I haven't been writing for such a long time.

Theres ofcourse more to the story, but I thought I owed you all an explanation, and I have to get this out of my system somehow. Nevertheless it's a hard topic for me, so... I'll work on that.

Quotes from the site of my very understanding and trustworthy friends at CCteam

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A depressing problem

Deprssed or sad?

We hear the expression "I'm so depressed" very often during daily basis.
I'm so tired of it. Fed up.
People obsessing over tiny problems, referring to this as a depression, having no clue what so ever what depression is all about.

Sometimes I really have to remind myself, that "I'm just having a bad monday" - it doesn't necessarily mean, my depression is back. Sometimes shit just happens.
.

But listening to people complaining about every day stuff and feeling "depressed" cause they are tired and have to do laundry!
I'm sorry, you have absolutely no clue to what depression is.

I don't even know how to describe it actually but to say, that depression is not just a feeling of  bad day. It's a state of mind that intervenes with your daily often so much, medication is required.

It's sad we have started to use this word so incorrectly.

And whether you just  feel depressed or is diagnosed with depression, we have to remembe, that sometimes a bad day is just- a bad day.

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Heart attack or stomach problems

I didn't think, I would be able to stick around the whole summer. My stomach was aching, I couldn't find any away to sit in a car, workout being uncomfortable having problems breathing. 

We went to a zoo during a weekend, and i saw nothing. All I remember was being tired and in pain constantly.

My fiance tried to help me force feeding myself. But I couldn't. I even lost so much energy and strength, that I was no longer able to do my exercises.

After the weekend my fiance called the doctor immidiately, and I was examined. My stomach acid is simply, but strangely, the reason of this horrible condition.

So if you have huge troubles eating, breathing, chestpain, lack of energy etc, you might want to get an appointment to get this checked out.
It's pretty amazing - and quite frankly scary - how the body works.

Stomach pain is not nessesarity a nervous condition. Don't guess - see your doctor :)

If you like these pages, please help spread the word. Mental diseases and disorders has been tabu for a very long time, and it's still not over.

By sharing posts you like, you might help another person. Geez, when I got my first prescription for depression and anxiety - I didn't even know, what exactly was wrong with me. I'd never head of such diseases before. So share your feelings and thoughts, it might help others to understand.

Thanks to the following photographers who contributed with pictures for this post:
Polina Zimmerman
Tessa K

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A girl interrupted

I find myself walking around the house without any real goal.
I watered a couple of plants, I passed by, went to the kitchen and started to bake! During that task, I saw the microwave was very dirty, and started to clean it.

I was out of butter, the filling is my cake is going to wait until we have been to the groceries.

And I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking at what I have been doing. Constant distracted by other tasks.
Apparently this makes me lose track of both time and tasks.

How to solve it, is another matter. I have to get back to that one, when I find a solution that works for me.

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

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The science of sleep

The science of sleep is a program currently on BBC earth in my end of the world.

There's some very interesting and informative information, you should check it out, if you have troubles sleeping or suffering from insomnia.

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Nightmares AKA Night terrors

I've been having nightmares - or night terrors lately. Each and every night I wake up terrified, but here's the thing; I don't know what I was dreaming!
All I know is that I'm frightened out of my mind and wake up from running away from something. But I don't know what!

My friend has a son in the army, who knows a big deal about PTSD.
I've asked for advice, and I got a long email - thank you for taking the time to write such a long explanation ♡

Amongst one of the many advises, one is not to consume milk products 3 hours before sleep.

That's going to be a challenge, since I really enjoy cheese, crackers, milk and tea before sleep. 

That's going to be a change in my evening routine, but the main thing is to get rid of those night terrors, so ofcourse I'm up for it. 

I'll change anything to get rid of those nightmares.

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Quarantine and social anxiety

The Corona virus has made the government close the borders and actually forbidden people to get together and go to work in most places.

I'm not really scared about the virus. I'm more interested in peoples reactions in general.
Living in quarantine is not more different than suffering from social anxiety disorder, SAD.
You don't see many people during the day, often not people at all, so that's not a big difference compared to my daily life.

The empty streets we see on the daily news however, frightens me a bit. That's such an unusual sight.
We hear a lot of stories of small companies and owners of cafes and restaurants, who is really suffering.

It won't take a long time before small business owners has to turn the key. Rent for ships with great location doesn't come cheap, and I'll be sad to see peoples life work go to pieces caused by the virus.

One of my best friends wanted to close the borders the first second, she heard about this.
My God, if they had only done that, the problem would be solved by now!
Ofcourse it's a big decision, bit peoples lifes are at stake here - but yet again they waste time on financial speculations, instead of just taking in action right away.

That way we could stopped it much faster, but instead each family now has to be quarantined. The sign of no trespassing is no longer relevant at the border, it's too late!
Now we all have to living life like you're suffering from social anxiety. It's a bit different, but the result is the same. You can't just go everywhere you wish to go...

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Fight depression with sunlight

We all know  sunlight has a positive effect on us, for some more than others perhaps.

Several of the psychiatrists I've met, have suggested that I started in a solarium. I tried it twice, and I hated it.

Now I'm in a low place, so even though I don't get much done during the day. I don't like to go outside yet, otherwise we live In the country, so the Corona virus is not a huge problem for me on daily basis. Instead I try to recharge by chasing the sunrays in the house.

I eat my food close to the window, spend a lot of time with the dog, looking out the window "talking" about what's going on outside. It has been raining very much, everything is so wet and muddy. A trip outside is not especially attractive.

So instead I chose to chase the sun indoors, spending  time in the sunlight while doing something else.
My computer desk is always placed by the window. In the living room, I'm able to eat in the sun, and in the sofa I'm able to take my afternoon nap with the sunlight directly in my face.

This has made a great difference in my mood and also way of thinking.
It helps recharging my body and calms me down inside.

So - especially theese days with Corona quarantine - I urge you to "chase the sunlight" from the inside of your house.
And BTW: people with anxiety often live their lives isolated like this, separated from the world. I personally have lived like this for more than 4 months, so I promise you all, you will be able to handle it.

Stay safe out there, don't panic.

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Sheltered by the darkness

I discovered something... I start to feel more safe and secure during the dark hours of the day.
That's odd to me.

Let's take a small child. A child who has no scars on their soul, doesn't know harm nor danger, the child has never experienced anything bad. Never the less the child is afraid of the dark. The human instinct takes over: "we can see anything, it MIGHT be dangerous."
I assume we're born this way(?) I don't know, but for experiments reason, lets just go with that assumption for a minute.

If its "normal" to be afraid of the dark, why do I feel more safe during the dark hours, than throughout the day?
I've thought about that from time to time during the week, and I've come up with a couple of situations, that might be the reason:
- there's no disturbing phone calls, where you have to check for salesmen before you answer
- there's no unexpected visits, or people who scared the crap out of me for using our land as a parking spot
- no appointments I have to go to
- no phone calls pending. I have to make all the appointments for us, and the animals, since I have plenty of time to stay on hold!
- theres not nearly as much noise, than during the daytime
- bf is asleep, and doesn't interrupt my thoughts each minute
- the animals are asleep and don't need a door "man" all the time

If I take each of the above, break it apart and put it back together, nighttime it's the only time of day, where I have a decent chance of peace.
Nobody asks me anything, noone wants me to do something,  noone interrupts. It's just calm and quiet.

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Climbing back to life from the buttom of anxiety and depression

Restlessness is a huge part of climbing back to life from the bottom of the hole of anxiety and depression.
Anxiety attacks also appears more often, and the struggle to get back up can seem endless.

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Fighting to get the desire to live

Yeah, I'm in a bad position right now, and have been sinde medio december. So bad in fact, that I each day have to remind myself, that I can't check out, cause I can't do that to my children.

But even the thought of that, I feel forced to live this damn life. I'm cornered from all sides. I can't get out.

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A New Year - With No New Hope

A new year has arrived, with all its usual empty promises of everything getting better. I don't believe in that crap anymore, it's not going to get better.

My christmas was ruined by the authorities, cause I seem to get more doctors appointments, than I ever got before. I dont know what kind of diagnose, they are looking for.
My doctor has written several times, that I need to get early retirement, and I need to be left in peace and quiet - NOT to be hunted by a government who uses every trick in the book to let you stay on the lowest income at all.
It's not only very frustrating, its undermining my financial situation and thereby its gets more difficult to take initiative to do anything that I might be able to do.
I dunno why sick people has the lowest income possible. People out of work get much better financial help - but out of work AND sick - you are apparently worth nothing. "Leave no man behind" - doesn't really apply here!
Several doctors costs money from your own pocket, they are not paid by the state. When you need to go somewhere for surgery for instance, you ask someone else drive you. My BF has taken time off from work many days, to stay with me at the hospital - everybody does that - so it's certainly not easy to make enough money for a family, if there's a sick person in the household.
SO as it turned out, it was just an empty promise from the state, that this last examination would be the last - nope. Now they want a... Actually I don't know what the hell they want!

Up until that meeting, I was SO looking forward to Christmas. My children were coming home, my daughter has met a wonderful young man, who also wanted to meet us and stay with us for a couple of days - that was wonderful.
But with the meeting and demands from the public service, it all felt like having a huge shadow hanging over me. Like I never was really happy.
It WAS a great christmas, and we had a great new years eve with neighbors - but it was a new years eve with no actual hope for the future.

I can for sure say, that I'm trying to find just a glimpse of a light here in the darkness, trying to get a hint to how to get out of this situation, thinking there must be hope somewhere. But right now I can see anything!

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Will I make it out alive?

Yeah, despite my training and work with my own limitations caused by anxiety, depression and PTSS, I also have days like this, where I just don't see any other options, that the obvious stated.

This piece of music calms me down a bit, when sadness has the upper hand - to hear another person asking the same question, as I ask myself. Will this be the cause of my death(?) What's my future going to be like, if I can't work?

I guess the lyrics speaks for themselves, and I know many of you guys are tormented by the same lack af vision for the future. Just like I fo right now.

Don't start any alarming systems- it's a very very bad day, but I got my friends, (CC and Farmer)

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I still try to shake off depression

After an overload of pressure, I've sunk into a depressive state and needed some serious RnR, to get back to be able to hold my ground.

I certainly found a limit there. Just a bit of mental overload, and depression and anxiety is back.

I wanted to let you know, that I'm now off the couch. That was a fight not to just stay under the the duvet and pretend, that the rest of the world does not exist. Or even better; I don't excist.

It took me some time just to get there, and I'm trying to hold on the best I can.
I stay away from computers, phones - stats one of my "triggers" from my working days. Even though it is years ago, I simply can't handle the pressure that comes with computers and gadgets. PTSD / PTSS reactions comes instantly.
That's the reason you don't hear much from me right now.

During the day, I work with 2 schedules.
I have a sort of "must do" list, and a "can do".
Is given, the tasks on the must do lists it's the important, like take medication, breaks, even meals is in here - cause I tend to skip my meals due to lack of appetite.
And ofcourse the can do lists is assignments, that I can do, if I get inspired. (Right now I'm washing duvets for instance. The other day I was working in the garden...)

I'm slowly - but steady - taking in the world again bit by bit.

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