I'm on a break from the world - dissociation

I discovered, I have a habit of escaping into a fantasy world, when the real world seems to hard to handle.

I am not totally disassociated, I'm well aware that the world I escape into is not real. But dissociation gives me the break from the true world, that I need.

And as always, I find a "magic world" or similar, to escape into. Anything but the real world will do!

I'm eating and sleeping a lot, and I have been for some days now, so I'm waiting a bit for the excitement to do something, will break in.

I feel, that I do not contribute enough, and the others had noticed, how hard I worked to get the house in order, they encouraged me to take a break. But I also start to feel their impatience (or maybe it's my own guild.)

I just know one thing for sure... If I'm not careful, if I force myself, I'm going to end up a lot worse.

So I'm still on a break with something as thrilling as "the magicians" and "Harry Potter."
Take care out there :-)

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Rest and Recreation

After all the stress around the house, I noticed, that my body has started to tell me, that something is off. Or maybe I have started to listen more!!!

No matter what, I have gone in RnR-mode, I rest a lot, I eat, and today I'll go thru my meds and check I've got everything on stock at home.

I'm not totally down - not at all. But I can't handle a lot of plans, I don't want to promise anything to anyone, I want to try to take it easy and just rest.

I'm filing the buttom of Maslow's pyramid og needs - sort of speak.

I'm primary resting, sleeping and walking in mature. I keep the house uncluttered, which is now a bit more easy, and I wash a load of clothes. Other than that, I just am.

Accepting my sickness, my weakness, was a challenge. But after that, it was a relief.
Now I live my life with the disease, which gives me much better results than stuffing pills in my mouth. Is a strength to know your weaknesses.
When you do, you can figure out how to work around it and how to live with it on daily basis.
Yes it requires sacrifices - but you gain so much more :)

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I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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Chores and depression

It seems impossible to find a way to get off my couch and in gear.
Normally I would have played it safe and stayed put and relaxed, until this state passes.  That's the best way to avoid deeper depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

But since the house is up for sale, we have to keep it clean always, and besides, I know we're going to get visitors to look at the house during this week, so I really don't have a choise. So I'm forcing myself to get up and get started, but so far my body does not obey.

Putting pressure on oneself is a bad choise, but I don't really see another way. I also want to move so I can't just lean back and wait for everybody else to take over. I'm not that kind of person, and guess what... That has brought me into the exact same situation before, and depression and anxiety answered right away.

Didn't I learn something? Absolutely, but I'm going to be more sick, before I let "the team" down.

Well, my safe spot is ready to in case I need it. I better get the vacuum and get started.

I'll do like the old days, write here along my way, using my diary as a crouch.

4 hours later:
I've almost finished the kitchen, but theres still a way to go. People have started to pack boxes, but left I the middle if the task.
I've been at my safe spot several times, but can't relax. My thoughts keeps going "I should do this, and I should do that..."
Well, better get started again, that's better than to lay around speculating about it.

The others came home an hour late, while I was cleaning windows. I thought that this would be the end for a while and we would team up afterwards.
However they are getting ready to go out for dinner. That's nice of them, but it doesn't help my stress.
I needed an evening in my safe spot with comfort food and a good movie. Now they're getting dressed up, and so should I, even though every fiber insides me is screaming to stay at home
Why can't I just relax(?)

I chose to take 5 mg diazepam, and finally my brain could function on normal level. It is a medication like valium, that calms you down, you can get addicted to this, so it's not recommended to take it regularly.
But geez, I really needed that.

I finally felt relaxed, able to follow a conversation, cause my brain wasn't thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time.
I consumed a good portion of dinner, and felt calm about the thought of cleaning house.

So we actually ended up having a nice evening, and perhaps I'm even able to fall asleep for once. I surely hope so.

Thank you for holding my hand today, I wish you all a good night.

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Bump on the road or return of depression and anxiety(?)

It's sometimes difficult to figure out, what's going on, when you have a couple of bad days in a row. Where's the limit between a couple of bad days and the return of anxiety and depression(?)

I actually don't know, if any "measurement system" has been made, I have never seen or tried one, and never heard about it, so I really don't think so.

However after a good period, it's more than likely, you'll experience some bad days too. I certainly do.
It's important to remember not to give up because if that. Everyone has bad days, we just tend to focus on those a bit more.

The way out of depression and anxiety is not  straight line upwards, its zig zagging it's way through time, upwards in general yeah, but not a steady line.
Finally after you stop taking your medication (because your doctor agrees with you to do that) you might also experience a change in your general mood for a while.

There's a lot of reasons, that can cause us having a row of bad days, and even though that's annoying,  it doesn't automatically men, your depression is back full blown. To the question 'is depression and anxiety back' -  the measurement should lie in what we are able to do, that's kind of the answer.

And I'd say for my case, it's not normal for me to lie in bed all day not wanting to do anything. If a couple of resting days does not help me out, I know it's going to be a longer run, than just waking up the next morning feeling fine.
I am definately not having a total mental breakdown, I might not have anxiety and depression returned full blown, but it will be, if I'm not extra careful the next month or so.

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Less stress - take a break!

It's not a surprise to you guys I guess, if you are amongst the stady readers: my depression has me caught again.

I have tried to fight it, but I forgot a couple of things.
I'll explain more in a few, but this shows - once again - how important it is, that we do not force ourselves or forget to take care of ourselves and the disease on daily basis.

I have had some days, where I simply was eating and sleeping and fighting anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn't make myself do anything. So once again I had to bite the dust, and I stayed in bed for days.
I could easily have been there for a month, if Farmer had not interfered. But I was also determined to figure out, what made me stumble and fall.

Once again it's stress - caused by the move and the mood of others. Well, the last thing is definately better than ever, it must be the move then.

Do I really get knocked off so easily now(?) People move all the time, and they do it while working full time jobs. Hell, I have done that several times before!!!

But yes, it is the move, the disorder and mess everywhere, not being able to find anything - it frustrates me.

That's kind of a good thing to know. Then I can work on a solution to this problem.

It seemed to start after a day of selling a lot of stuff, that we don't want to take with us, when we move. There was a lot of preparations to take care of, and a lot of strangers to talk with.
I dunno... At some point I could just feel every fiber in my body screaming "get the hell away from her." But I forced myself to stay, after all, I don't leave the work to others.

Here it's my body telling me, that I need a break, but I don't listen. Also I could have thought about it and realised, that I might need a break once in a while, just to ease my mind. I didn't, but I for sure will remember to take that under consideration during daily basis.

Now I've set my watch to chime each hour to remind me to take a break. No cell phone action, no TV, nothing - just  time to sit with a cup of tea for 5-10 minutes and ease my mind.

I'll try it out for while to see, if regular (forced) breaks is a way to lower the panic attacks and depressive thoughts.

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"Cutting" on social media!

I feel a need to speak up about this, since selfharm apparently has become a new form of sick competition.

You should know, that people who are really suffering from "cutting" (the urge to do damages to own body) they do not publish it on social media. They do it secretly, so that nobody knows.
People showing off picture by picture of cuts, are not "cutters."

I have been cutiing at one point. Noone knew, until the day I found myself doing something stupid once again. Then I wrote ONE post about it, it was very hard to write, and I had decided to stop it as the first important fight, cause it is NOT a way to persue - and I haven't done it since then.

People that do harm for real (and not for attention) would never ever post this on social media.

People who post pictures of their cuts, they have a sick need of attention.
I really don't know what to call them.
Sick yes, embarrassingly desperate for attention - more like it.

I had to research for this one, but yes it has a name:
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) excessive attention-seeking emotions (and approval of other.)

I'm sorry to say, that I have absolutely NO sympathy for people, who make posts like that (and dare other people to do the same) 

I know they are sick, they must be! But my sympathy they will never get, cause they are contagious in the way they urge other people to do the same.

These attention seeking people are in fact sick, even though we might find them destructive of others.
Because they are destructive of others in their desperate need of attention and drama, others feel the need to keep a distance.

I can't personally separate myself from the fact, that posting shit like that on social media, creating an online society where this is "normal," daring other people to do the same etc etc are highly contagious, especially young people.
What about group pressure? What if an ubsecure teenager just want to belong to a group, and it turns out to get worse and worse?
These so much moral, that's goes against mine, so I'm sorry.
I'm truly ashamed that I can't relate to you, I'm sorry that I don't feel bad for your situation. But I hope for your sake, it is not my son or daughter you urge to get into stuff like that, because if so, I promise, I will kill you myself!

If you are posting pictures like the above mentioned, the best thing you can do, is to call your doctor immidiately.
After that, please call "an internet cleaner" to get rid off as much of the shit you have posted previously - as soon and as thorough possible. I know "once it's out there, it's out" - well yes. But the least you can do is to get rid off the pages, you control.

Other than that, I have no advice to offer, I have no experience with this disorder.

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Maintenance

Hi all

We are currently updating the theme for the blog. I'm sorry for the inconvenience this may cause.

Laila
CC Team - design

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Does the planets really influence us?

I haven't slept for 36 hours, but that's not uncommon, when we have a full moon.

I can't keep wondering, if the planets really influence us in any way. Previously I saw zodiac signs sayings more like entertainment, than as predictions. But now I'm no longer so sure.

The moon definately influence me and my son, so how much does it actually affect us(?) I guess we'll never really know for sure.

How about you? Does the moon affect your sleep?

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Depression and anxiety has me cornered

I've felt depression lurking this time, now its here, along with its "friend" anxiety. I have no idea of of how long this shitty disease is going to keep me in my own personal jail this time.

Even though I've been thru this several times before, it keep surprising me, how powerful this disease is.

I'll try to write it down In lots of detail this time, to be able to analyse on my thought later on.

Tiredness:
I dragged myself off the sofa, I just had to fed the dogs fast and let them out, then I could get back under the blanket.

I have a long to-do-list (my own, no pressure from others) and its laughing at me.
I can't even keep focus on a task, if something else pops up. I start a mess every where I go, I don't mean to, that just my memory. The result here of is, I can't find my tools, and I get angry/sad/upset.

I think I'll sleep  bit more. But I can't just lay on the sofa all day, while everyone else is working and doing their part.
I have my list, I'll select 3 do able tasks that I must get done, before noon.

Sad, alone, unworthy, giving up 

I got on my jacket and shoes to do the laundry.

I don't use the dryer, I hang the clothes to save energy.

Apparently someone had not been satisfied with my system. Half of the clothes had been taken down, and the basket next to it was still half full of wet clothes. MY wet clothes.

God, first I was sad, now I realise, I have to kick some ass, when someone is home. My state of mind tells me just to give the fuck up and let it be and get back to rest.

Anxiety/Scared/PTSS
Some people parked in our driveway.  It scared me a lot, since I didn't know, who was coming.
I immidiately grabbed my knife and my phone, ran around the other sides of the building - got pictures of 2 licence plates, around another corner, got the 3rd picture of the cars plates. I  send the pics to my bf, ran through the cellar upstairs to get my riffel. I really felt "now you are losing it, calm down" - but my body was acting on it's own. I sat with a loaded riffel (safety on) for a long time, before I calmed myself down.

Well bf called, but it all ended up with him telling me, how busy we are and especially him, and he also ha to take med to the hospital next week. So we somehow managed to start argue, and I just told him I thought we should stop right there.
The people from the real estate broker is calling all the time, but it's not my house!

I got pretty sad, I feel alone all the time, maybe I'm just not a likeable person... I'm mostly just in the way, people don't even answer me or they interrupt me, they wont miss me, if I was not here. Rather relieved.

I finally called my son to ask, if he can take me to the hospital instead.  Wonderful, he was able to fit that into his schedule, that was a relief. Now I don't have to bother anybody else.

I feel sad, my chest hurts, its difficult to breathe. I should go outside, but I just want to sleep and forget everything. I wish I could.

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Facial massage is healing

I have a lot of excessive water retained in my body. This is an effect of everything we stuff in our body, medications, food and drinks - and also my stomach/protein problems.

The excessive water often accumulates  in the legs, and in the morning you'll notice, your face is puffy, especially around the eyes.

Your head feels like it's about to explode, so draining it like a waterfall would be wonderful. But it takes a little bit more than that. 

Normally this doesn't really effect your health, other times it can help to drain the lymphs in the face, to take off pressure.

I feel it relaxes me, the heavy forehead, the need to sleep and headaches loosens up.

There's a lot of videos on YouTube of lymphatic drainage. Try some of them if you like, and see what techniques helps you personally.
I think my friend CC made my list public, probably with some information videos added.
You can find it here.
I have combined some of them to my liking, and all it takes is 3-5 minutes.
That's faster and much healthier than an aspirin.
Also it releases stress and it feels good to spend just a few minutes on healing yourself.
The sound is normt always the best, but try the technique, it often helps with my own tensions.

You should try it out for yourself :-)
Actually please try it out and tell me, which video is your favourite (or what exercises that helps you the most)
Enjoy;-)

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This is hilarious - to me at least

I was SO tired today. The house went to sleep late, and I got up early - surprise.

I feel tired all the time, and at the same time I have huge troubles with insomnia. After a period of not sleeping, I really need to catch up, when I can.

But I don't look sick, so...
The following conversation took place...

"I'm SO tired all the time. You all go to bed late, I can't keep doing that."
"Why don't you sleep in during the weekends?"
"Who takes care of the animals on daily basis? I never get at break."
"Well, if you can't handle it, maybe we should get a dog sitter for a weekend."

I was caught by such surprise, I didn't have an immediate comeback.

We don't have money.
But if the situation end up in a man getting up early on a day off, then we need to hire a dog sitter!

I'm sorry, I might be mentally insane, but is it such a stupid idea to think, that a man could be able to remove his ass long enough from the sofa to take care of his own dog once a week(?)

God, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. But I'm for sure nothing else but a dog sitter and housekeeper.

There it is, once again.

I don't look sick, so nobody remembers how important sleep is for me.
Or maybe they do, but if the result means work for them, they don't care.

I don't know which option is worse...

But at least someone out there loves me <3

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Don't forget I'm sick even when I feel fine

- I wrote a blog post called "My way out of depression".
It might seem funny, that I don't seem to follow up on that, but in fact I do on daily basis, I just don't write particularly about that.

But I stumble my way back through from the deep black hole, trying to find my way to the light. I'm in the grey zone, and I stumble, I fall, I get hurt, I'm sad - but I also have successes, good days, with laughter and joy.

As written many times... 

The road up from the hole of depression, anxiety and darkness is not a straight line upwards. 

It seems like I spiral downwards again, with direct course for a total mental breakdown once again, with no hope in sight. Sometimes I get scared that I'll end up at the mental hospital once again. 

Ofcourse people around me knows and noticed this - it's totally impossible to fool Farmer. My friends at the CcTeam keeps a close eye on me, I know, so now I have a safety net.

This also means, that I'm able to do personal tests of what works for me, and I can push myself to the highest. There will always be one, who holds on to the rope in the other end.

They let me go "the line", push myself to the limit and sometimes a bit above that - but when they sence something's wrong, they wheel me back in.

I had a long conversation with my mentor, and after that she told me to take a step back and look at my own experiences and results. 

You are in the middle of the forest, and you can't find the damn tree! - Farmer said.

And when I looked at it like that, I suddenly noticed, that I slowly had "let myself go". I had totally "forgot" that I was sick, and "forgot" to take care of myself, during the latest positive periode.

I also think it was caused by the heat during the summer, I couldn't eat lunch. So little by little I apparently just stopped forcing myself to do, what I knew I should have done.

If we were going somewhere, I couldn't take my medication, cause then I have to pee all the time - so I stopped taking everything including vitamins and minerals. Wonderful - I should get an award winning prize for stupidity!

My sleep is totally fucked up, cause everyone around me during the vacation seemed to think, that they were the only ones who needed to sleep in late once in a while. They went to bed late (I therefore could not go to sleep) and the dogs woke me up each morning at 06.30 as usual.

All in all I had slowly messed up my whole foundation. I need to prioritize my health once again, and get order in the buttom of Maslow's pyramid of needs!

So, back to basics - and learn from past mistakes:

I can't forget I'm sick, I need to remember to take care of myself during good periods too - otherwise it'll bite me in the butt later on.

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Too smart to be mentally ill

"You sound to eloquent to be able to get a early retirement."
Huh?

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