I didnt know my heart could break into more pieces

Photo by: dlkinney

I got some news this afternoon, that totally shook the ground underneath me. When the hospital staff saw me, they immediately game me relaxation medicine.
I am SO disappointed in everyone around me.
 Apparently I have been degraded to a brick in the game, that everyone around me feels the right to move around accordingly to their own wishes.

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Yawn - highlights of this day at the mental hospital

Photo by: Highway Patrol Images

The best thing that happened today, was I talked with my little girl on the phone. I miss my children SO much, but its hard to talk on the phone, cause I of course can't tell her about the stuff that goes on here, that would just scare her. So I listen to her stories, but I can't really contribute with something nice other than talking part of her daily day, asking a couple of questions here and there, to keep the conversation going.

After this, I'll "warn" you, cause I'm in a very sarcastic mood today, so be prepared for some black "humor." Well, at least I write in this way - otherwise everything would so darn tragic, and I can't go there.

As I was hanging up my laundry on the radiator under the windows, a police car came strolling into the parking spot. Dear Jesus, now we will even get a criminal in here. It's going to be more and more *fun* for each day. (I hope and do believe, that you can "hear" the sarcasm in my "voice.")

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Well, if you are not insane, you will become it here

Photo by:  rocksss

This part of the mental hospital is definitely not for kids.
It's nothing like I have seen the last time. I stay mainly in my room, with my headset on, and high music or a movie turned up loud.
When I go smoking, I can't close out this world of course. Then I see and hear the others...

One man spends his entire time here looking into a wall. Literally he is simply looking into the wall - all day.

A girl just across the hallway to my room is screaming all the time, sometimes just screaming, sometimes cursing at the staff.
I'm getting (more) insane just to listen to that. Last night she had a physical fight with the staff, she bit one of them...

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I can't do anything right

- not even killing myself. And what happens, when you try to do that, and don't succeed(?) Well, you do not end up in the morgue, you end up in the mental hospital.
So here I am, once again.

I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info.
I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family.
But well, after all I have put them through lately, I feel very ashamed - I hate myself so bad - so I'd probably not call anyone anyway.

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The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....

...so help me God!

Sometimes I feel, that I am getting better.
But then I have fall backs, like yesterday. I wanted to kill myself, but the f****** knives in this house, that I have rented, is not sharp enough.
I tried to cut my veins in my arm and my leg, but it was not possible.

I feel bad for my children, to have a mom like me. I'm the only one they have left, and I am such a fuck up.

I try to "hide" behind a big smile and stupid jokes. Its just a facade, there's nothing true about me. I don't even know, who I am anymore. I have been hiding my true feelings for so long, that I cant even get in touch with them anymore.

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My period always comes with memories....

Photo by: victoriapeckham

I know all women has more or less bad times during their period.
For me it brings memories of the miscarriage I had, and the abortion I had to go through alone.

It also reminds me of what "should have been" - how I wish life should have formed for all of us - and the fact that it didn't end up, as I dreamed it should be.

I wish I could get over those thought, and most times I am successful in my acceptance, that life didn't bring me what I wished for. 

But with my period comes all the thoughts...

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A bit of pictures from our relaxation spot

We don't spend most of our times indoors, that was actually not the point either. Most of the time we spend at the water.
However its nice to have a good nice relaxing place to come home to in the evening, when we have been outside most of the day.
The living room is comfy, and the huge windows all over the place makes the sun come shining through, bringing good mood to everybody.
The black leather in the living room is not to my taste, but the furniture is comfy and you can easily fall asleep there - trust me :-)
We have bought a couple of new games to play in the evening - games that does not remind us of both the father figures we lost last year.
It's actually quite a challenge to find games for 3 people. Either its for 2 people - or a "whole family."
But we have succeeded in finding a couple, that's also quite funny for all ages.

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Oh Freedom :-) We have yet a new location

This picture does actually not give justice to the house we have rented for the week. It's a wonderful house, close to the waters, and its bigger than you assume from the picture.

We have each our room with double beds, and 2 porches, where we can enjoy the sun.

There's no problems with hunting the children to take a bath, my little girl has already been into the jacuzzi 3 times - lol. 

We haven't used the sauna yet, cause the weather has been so wonderful. Most of the time we have been at the water collecting seashells and stones for a new fireplace, that we have planned to make in the garden, when we come home from our recreation.

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I have been discarged from the mental hospital :-)

This is the best picture ever. Yes, I know the quality of the picture is not good at all, but this has been my "residence" for 15 days, and look at the bed... Nothing there...
And all the flowers I got, has been thrown out.
I took this picture, when I waited for my mom to pick me up and take me home from the mental hospital :-)

I still have to be on sick leave for 3 weeks, but just the very thought of not being locked up 24 hours a day, is wonderful.

My boss and colleagues has been very understanding. When I got committed to the mental hospital, I actually got an email from my boss saying, that he was sorry that I was committed to the hospital, and he practically "ordered" me to stay away from work, until I was totally well.
I haven't been following his order 100%, cause I'm very happy about my work, however I have not been working a lot.

Besides, being on phone and email with my colleagues during my hospitalization will make it more easy to come back to work.

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I'm so frustrated still to be in the mental hospital

First of all: I am having a really bad day, which of course has a big influence on my thoughts.
It's very frustrating to be committed to the mental hospital, I don't really feel any better, no progress at all.
The nurses and my mom tries to talk me out of my worries, more or less successful.

How do they know, that this medication will work(?) The last apparently didn't, so why did they choose this new medication for me - why not another one(?)...

Shouldn't there be some kind of test or something, that would at least give an idea of what kind of mental disease a patient has - and what kind of treatment that would be best (?)
Like a Rorschach inkblot test, a questionnaire, or something...

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Again too much time to think in the mental hospital

Photo by: jkirkhart35

My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend.
Why(?)
Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-)

The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection.
When we "met" online, our biggest strength was the conversations we shared. He was feeling bad about himself, me ditto. In the beginning it was never meant to be a real life commitment, but the connection between us grew stronger with each conversation we had.

We haven't been corresponding at all for a long time. He thinks it's the best way. He closes all connection, and protects himself that way.
I have chosen not to contact him anymore, I let him fly...

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Family evening at the mental hospital

I haven't felt like writing for some days, so my "diary" miss some pages. I will however try to make up for it, by telling a bit about what has happened since I last wrote. When something happens, cause it would be a lie to tell you, that life in a mental hospital is filled with action.

Wednesday evening there was family evening here.
My mom and the children came to visit me, we got coffee/lemonade and cake, and after that we had the chance to do some activities together.

The weather was not pretty good, so we decided to stay indoors and use the facilities, that we have here.
We were playing ping pong at the table tennis table, I know this picture is a bit blurry, but that's actually my intention.
After table tennis, we took several rounds at the football table. We had a lot of fun, and it was difficult to see them leave.

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At the mental hospital theres too much time to think

My thoughts is my worst enemy. If I don't stop myself from thinking, by distracting myself or escape somehow, I go into a thought spin, that mainly ends up with hating myself, kicking my own butt: "should have, would have, could have..."
It's so easy to see the all the mistakes after wards, all the signs, that I have overlooked - or perhaps even have chosen to overlook. And that goes both for my ex husband, and my ex boyfriend.
I was so scared to live alone, that I lived with an alcoholic for 17 years, where the last 10 years was hell for me - but I couldn't figure out how to leave him. The very thought of being alone was too frightening.

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Psychiatrist: I have to stay at the mental hospital

I have been tired all day, I didn't sleep very well. The task from yesterday was very har for me, to write an "emotional/psychological curriculum vitae".
I haven't been able to finish it yet, and it was shocking to me, to see all the shit in writing - and I'm not even finished... 

I saw the Psychiatrist today, and once again we had the talk about all the shit that has been happening. Talk about my medication change, and how I felt after the change in medication. Well, how do I feel (?)
I miss so much to be able to go outside, and not just stay indoors. I feel a bit better, than when I arrived Thursday evening, but as I told the Psychiatrist, its hard to say if the "feeling a bit better" comes from the medication, a placebo effect caused by me knowing I get new medication, that I am more able to rest and its not so stressful here in some way... After a long talk, I got the "judgment"...

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