And so this is christmas

According to American movies, advertisements and my own expectations, this should be such a happy time.

But doctors appointments and meetings with social services takes a lot of the spare time. My boyfriend works long hours a day, to be able to take a day off, when I need to go the hospital etc.

I'm used to be the wife in total control, now I feel I have none. I have no car to go do shopping and make all those kind of preparations, I'm used to do.

Stocking up food ind the freezer etc.

The corona rules are changing all the time, so I check the rules each day. People in general are tired of the situation, I totally get it.

For me, the mask though, goes very well with my hiding-out outfit.

I look forward to see my children very much, my parents however, I haven't seen at Christmas for a decade. So you know, you can't help like feeling a bit of the black sheep there either.

I would love the Christmas, with couples romantic holding hands in the snow, while they're christmas shopping with huge smiles and perfect, spotles clothes.

We see that all the time in advertisements, but have you ever seen any in real life?

Well I'll take a big breath and make it thru.

My best christmas wishes to all of you and your families.

Photos:

Main; Any Lane

Quotes etc from Netizen Quotes 

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The brain seen like a mental equalizer

Reading descriptions of mental disorders and injuries, you often find some resemblance to yourself, no matter what disorder or injury, you find.

As a little thought experiment,  I've started to try to look at the brain as an equalizer, cause I've started the experiment  with the thought, that we all contain a bit of every disorder. 

In between the scale area of average, we actually and find the biggest part of people - let's just call them mentally healthy and fully functional during daily basis.

Compared to an equalizer, not all buttons are at same level, but in the normal area, and the music quality sounds ok.

Then we have the people, where some of the buttons are pushed either too high or too low.

Compared to music through an equalizer, some pieces of music is okay, and some has too high/low a bass, and sounds horrible.

Play the right music, the sound system won't notice, some buttons are outside of the normal area. Play the wrong music, and you'll start to ruin the speakers of the sound system.

Here we talk about people, who have special needs to function on daily basis. But if you give these people, what they need, they are able to work as well as a mentally healthy person.

(Medium depression or medium anxiety for instance)

At my final level, we find people, who is not able to function at all. They might be dangerous to themselves or others, or mentally tied to a bed or living indoors.

Here we ofcourse have an equalizer, that's totally out of range on many, if not all, levels. Music played through this soundsystem would ruin most of the system or even break down.

(Schizophrenia, Paranoia  Severe anxiety, severe depression, PTSD for instance)

In my experiment of thoughts, I just made 3 levels,  even though I find myself ind the middle of 2 and 3 (mostly 3 unfortunately.)

An educated therapist or psychiatrist would most likely not use the model at all, and definitely not use only 3 levels.

However this is absolutely not a detailed description, it's just to explain an idea.

Remember, this is just an experiment of thoughts, I don't know if it has been done before, I don't have any reference, its just yet another way to look at the brain.

However, what I find interesting in this theory: if you during training, exercises and therapy are able to pin point what triggers your personal equalizer, and makes you sing out of tune, then you are quite good going. Cause you have to know your enemy. Our brain is playing with us, and when we understand the rules of the game, it's possible to win.

Just a crazy thought on a boring day.

May your God's be with you :)

Photos by;

kalhh

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Silence after the storm

I don't really know what I'm doing. I just exist.

It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.

If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain. 

I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself. However in the long run it's definitely not healthy to put a lid on your emotions.

The sad news is, that this is what I do. I start to care less, it's like givin up on a sinking ship. I just let it go. I don't really care to save anything, there's no reason to, the boat will sink at some point, since water keeps pouring in.

This is the most empty feeling ever, and I have no solution or desire to try to figure it out, it seems to be too late. Theres too much water in our boat, and I'm the only one at the pumps. Why bother then(?)

I know this bubble will blow up at some point, and this silence... I'm also sure will end, whether it's going to be a final explosion or a decent talk, I have no idea.

For now, I just keep to myself, and talk, when I'm asked. And everybody seems to find that perfect, so I decided to play along this time. Thry don't appreciate my company, they don't seem to care if I am doing okay or not. I might as well be invisible,  they would ignore me equally. 

But God I need to talk with another person. I need to feel worthy of something, at least just worthy to be noticed.

Fortunately I have Lucy (CCTeam), who I've  asked to make these graphics, and she's a lady with her own opinion. I love that.

Sometimes I notice, she sort of answers me in the work she's doing. If I ask for a quote about loneliness, she doubkes up with 2 other creations of "it's better to be alone..." 

It's nice to have their support, cause I start to feel unworthy of love. Maybe it's not in my cards to be loved unconditionally, truly, fully in a solid marriage. 

Original photo by:

Pixabay 

Quotes by;

Netizen Quotes 

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When a punch in the face would hurts less

Why did I tell you about our sexual problems in the bedroom? It doesn't connect with anxiety and depression.

Or does it?

Since my boyfriend seemed to prefer to seek sexual satisfaction with his toys and porn over me, I was really down.

It felt like a punch in the face would have hurt much less, however equally a dealbreaker.

It most certainly affected my self-esteem and my awareness of how skinny I am.

I question, if my body would turn on anyone at all.

My ability to get sexual satisfaction is almost totally gone. 

I feel old, unattractive and ugly.

And most of all, I feel very much alone, cause I can't trust that one person, I trusted the most.

However this is unfortunately something many women go thru - not that it makes everything allright.

Nevertheless somewhere in the world, theres women going through the excact same thing.

And I bet, that it hurts everyone of us equally, no matter what diagnose we have, if any.

And the side effects of our boyfriends actions; our hurt feelings, is somewhat alike.  

And I feelt down, like my inside was turned out. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm 15 years older, than when we met each other.

This was the one, that blew me off track this time, but remember; with anxiety and depression in my backpack, my boat was perhaps more easy to rock.

There's no pill against these feelings. There's no easy fix.

As many other episodes in my life, this happened to me, not because of me. No matter what, this was HIS choice.

And that's the whole point. 

Depression makes bad thoughts come more easily, but it's caused by something in this case. 

I guess I have yet a lesson to learn:

I have to be careful and try hard NOT to sink into depression each time, I get hurt by a man. Otherwise it seems like I could be hurt the rest of my life.

AND;

Many of our problems, is precisely the same, as other couples problems. And they go thru those problems without sinking into depression. 

It must be possible for me to do that as well.

So... this will be my personal fight on the inside for some time from now. To remember, that every bump on the road is not caused by my mental issues. Some of them is actually quite 'normal.'

Thank you for listening.

Title photo;

Musa Ortaç

Quotes etc from my friends, who writes at;

netizenquotes.com 

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After porn comes more lies

After discovering the truth and confronting him, I really thought he understood how heartbroken I was, and he ofcourse claims, that he had thrown away the toys and stopped watching porn immidiately.

First he seemed genuine and very understanding,  but...

I'm such an idiot!

Some time later on, I was looking at recipes and comparing 2. I decided to go for the first one, but couldn't get the recipe  back on the laptop. But history has suddenly been wiped.

It doesn't suddenly disappear, you have to do that manually.

Again I confronted him. He claimed ofcourse, he had not done anything, besides we have had sex several times,  he claimed.

I went to my calendar and started to look back, for each page I turned, I saw his face look more weird.

4 months! Once in 4 months.

I didn't ask anything, the stupid excuses make me sick, besides I don't need to ask.

Theres NO man who goes without sex for 4 months, if he has a woman right next to him. Theres must theres something more interesting for him to "do:.

This time I didn't really feel much but a bit sad, cause I know what's going on.

He is still watching porn, he is just not computer wise enough to know, what history actually means. 

But to make a long story short, it doesn't prevent others to find, what you watch.

I have given up any discussion now, he wont realise, how much he has hurt me and still does.

He doesn't talk about any previous girlfriends, so apparently somethig is not over.

At newyears he showed me a message from his messenger. I noticed a long row of girls he had been sending hearts and virtual hugs to in october. 

I checked my own messages and I haven't received anything like that from him in october or anytime else for that matter..

I am currently having a huge discussion with myself whether I should stay here or not. I love him, but...

He is "just not that into me", and apparently he prefers to look at porn and jerk off, rather than be with me.

AND he lies about it, he talks about me with others, also talks about me with previous girlfriends  

Sometimes he leaves the house to talk on the phone, so I wont hear the conversation, and naturally he gets messages all the time 

Buy do you know, what I don't get?

With all the above 'interests' and secrets, why the hell has he asked me to marry him twice?

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Pornography shows its ugly face

After the worst excuses for buying sex toys I have ever heard, the storm calmed down. His excuses was simply too embarrassing! Hes a grown man, not a 6 years old!

The bad excuses mad me feel even worse. 'Did he really think, I was stupid.'

I simply shut up, thered no reason to continue a argument like that.

A month or 2 later, I was collecting our pictures from the phones on an external hard drive, and meanwhile looking at pictures and short movieclips of our old diseased dog.

Amongst all those happy memories, I suddenly had a porn movie on the screen.

First I thought it was an error, an ad or something, but then the next, and the next came up.

The cold swathes started and my fingers was already shaking. My brain was working on overload, thinking a million thoughts at the same time. It felt like my head was gonna explode.

I checked the date and time with my own calendar, and surprise...

My oh so supportive boyfriend, who went with me to all the hospital visits, who sat beside med and was oh so tired, he had to leave early from the hospitalto get some sleep. And meanwhile I felt so sorry for him for being so tired, and felt bad for taking up so much extra of his time.

THAT sweet boyfriend, who made me feel like such a burden on him, he had time to download porn morning, noon and night!

Don't worry, he was certainly playing with his toys.

I remembered, when I came home from the hospital and was not physically able to go to second floor, he spend SO much time upstairs making cigarettes. Otherwise he was SO tired, he had to take a nap, and I was alone most time in the sofa in front of the TV. 

I remember I felt so left out, cause he barely talked with med or spend any time with me, even though he had the days off. Most of the time he spend upstairs. 

Now I know why.

And you know what? 

He tells me, it's my own fault. 

My stomach was hurting after surgery yeah, but not for 2 damn years!

Then he then claimed, he didn't know, I was ready!

Hello!! We went to a sex store together on MY suggestion.

I felt really bad and this time I packed my clothes. 

Never ever in my life have any man made me feed so bad about myself 

I'm sick, I can't work anymore, and apparently I'm not attractive enough anymore either.

I felt so disgusted with myself, and also disgusted by the thought of what he had been doing upstairs, while I couldn't move!

I felt an uncontrollable insanity had processed my body.

I confronted him and told him that, and started with all his excuses, but this time it was finally ME who was shouting

I hate you for making me feel like that. 

I hate you for what you have done to us. 

Done to me, done to my self esteem.

My trust in you is long gone and I dont even want to try anymore.

It's an unfair 'game,' when he acts so selfish. He has been working on having sex with his porn girls and HIS toys for HIM SELF  - while I was working WITH HIM  and used MY spare money US and sexy lingerie.

It would had been cheaper just to buy a dildo, if that's what I wanted. 

We apparently didn't even have the same goals anymore.

I din't wanna ask him any more. I still need an explanation, the truth, but I don't want to hear any other stupid excuses.

So once again we had a long periode with polite conversation, until I finally started to feel a bit better again.

Meanwhile he also assured me, that he had thrown out everything and totally given up porn.

Well... What do YOU think?

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3 or in the bedroom or what

I'm a bit shocked. Shocked to the point, where I totally shut down, I have nothing to say, and my so-called fiance most certainly has not either.

I was cleaning the bedroom and found several sextoys for men back in his drawer. I don't sleep in the bedroom, but sometimes he does, cause he is "oh so tired and need to sleep early and sleep in quiet upstairs."

I don't recall, what I was thinking at first. 

Sound was just a windy noise in my ears, and my heart felt like it was pounding like a jack hammer.I thought I was gonna loose it, get yet another complete and total mental breakdown this time.

Then I started to pack, but at the same moment I stuffed my suitcase, I remembered, that I no longer owned a car.

I felt SO neglected and unappreciated, I couldn't even get away, when I needed to, cause I had prioritized to save money to buy a new place together, and he uses money on cheating on me.

When sex was hard after my surgery, I bought the game monogamy for US, while he was buying toys FOR OWN pleasure.

I was so disappointed and also very ashamed, that I wasnt good enough to meet his needs. I cried the whole afternoon. I didn't feel worthy of anything, I was nothing.

And that's why I haven't been writing for such a long time.

Theres ofcourse more to the story, but I thought I owed you all an explanation, and I have to get this out of my system somehow. Nevertheless it's a hard topic for me, so... I'll work on that.

Quotes from the site of my very understanding and trustworthy friends at CCteam

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A depressing problem

Deprssed or sad?

We hear the expression "I'm so depressed" very often during daily basis.
I'm so tired of it. Fed up.
People obsessing over tiny problems, referring to this as a depression, having no clue what so ever what depression is all about.

Sometimes I really have to remind myself, that "I'm just having a bad monday" - it doesn't necessarily mean, my depression is back. Sometimes shit just happens.
.

But listening to people complaining about every day stuff and feeling "depressed" cause they are tired and have to do laundry!
I'm sorry, you have absolutely no clue to what depression is.

I don't even know how to describe it actually but to say, that depression is not just a feeling of  bad day. It's a state of mind that intervenes with your daily often so much, medication is required.

It's sad we have started to use this word so incorrectly.

And whether you just  feel depressed or is diagnosed with depression, we have to remembe, that sometimes a bad day is just- a bad day.

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Heart attack or stomach problems

I didn't think, I would be able to stick around the whole summer. My stomach was aching, I couldn't find any away to sit in a car, workout being uncomfortable having problems breathing. 

We went to a zoo during a weekend, and i saw nothing. All I remember was being tired and in pain constantly.

My fiance tried to help me force feeding myself. But I couldn't. I even lost so much energy and strength, that I was no longer able to do my exercises.

After the weekend my fiance called the doctor immidiately, and I was examined. My stomach acid is simply, but strangely, the reason of this horrible condition.

So if you have huge troubles eating, breathing, chestpain, lack of energy etc, you might want to get an appointment to get this checked out.
It's pretty amazing - and quite frankly scary - how the body works.

Stomach pain is not nessesarity a nervous condition. Don't guess - see your doctor :)

If you like these pages, please help spread the word. Mental diseases and disorders has been tabu for a very long time, and it's still not over.

By sharing posts you like, you might help another person. Geez, when I got my first prescription for depression and anxiety - I didn't even know, what exactly was wrong with me. I'd never head of such diseases before. So share your feelings and thoughts, it might help others to understand.

Thanks to the following photographers who contributed with pictures for this post:
Polina Zimmerman
Tessa K

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A girl interrupted

I find myself walking around the house without any real goal.
I watered a couple of plants, I passed by, went to the kitchen and started to bake! During that task, I saw the microwave was very dirty, and started to clean it.

I was out of butter, the filling is my cake is going to wait until we have been to the groceries.

And I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking at what I have been doing. Constant distracted by other tasks.
Apparently this makes me lose track of both time and tasks.

How to solve it, is another matter. I have to get back to that one, when I find a solution that works for me.

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

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The science of sleep

The science of sleep is a program currently on BBC earth in my end of the world.

There's some very interesting and informative information, you should check it out, if you have troubles sleeping or suffering from insomnia.

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Nightmares AKA Night terrors

I've been having nightmares - or night terrors lately. Each and every night I wake up terrified, but here's the thing; I don't know what I was dreaming!
All I know is that I'm frightened out of my mind and wake up from running away from something. But I don't know what!

My friend has a son in the army, who knows a big deal about PTSD.
I've asked for advice, and I got a long email - thank you for taking the time to write such a long explanation ♡

Amongst one of the many advises, one is not to consume milk products 3 hours before sleep.

That's going to be a challenge, since I really enjoy cheese, crackers, milk and tea before sleep. 

That's going to be a change in my evening routine, but the main thing is to get rid of those night terrors, so ofcourse I'm up for it. 

I'll change anything to get rid of those nightmares.

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Quarantine and social anxiety

The Corona virus has made the government close the borders and actually forbidden people to get together and go to work in most places.

I'm not really scared about the virus. I'm more interested in peoples reactions in general.
Living in quarantine is not more different than suffering from social anxiety disorder, SAD.
You don't see many people during the day, often not people at all, so that's not a big difference compared to my daily life.

The empty streets we see on the daily news however, frightens me a bit. That's such an unusual sight.
We hear a lot of stories of small companies and owners of cafes and restaurants, who is really suffering.

It won't take a long time before small business owners has to turn the key. Rent for ships with great location doesn't come cheap, and I'll be sad to see peoples life work go to pieces caused by the virus.

One of my best friends wanted to close the borders the first second, she heard about this.
My God, if they had only done that, the problem would be solved by now!
Ofcourse it's a big decision, bit peoples lifes are at stake here - but yet again they waste time on financial speculations, instead of just taking in action right away.

That way we could stopped it much faster, but instead each family now has to be quarantined. The sign of no trespassing is no longer relevant at the border, it's too late!
Now we all have to living life like you're suffering from social anxiety. It's a bit different, but the result is the same. You can't just go everywhere you wish to go...

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Fight depression with sunlight

We all know  sunlight has a positive effect on us, for some more than others perhaps.

Several of the psychiatrists I've met, have suggested that I started in a solarium. I tried it twice, and I hated it.

Now I'm in a low place, so even though I don't get much done during the day. I don't like to go outside yet, otherwise we live In the country, so the Corona virus is not a huge problem for me on daily basis. Instead I try to recharge by chasing the sunrays in the house.

I eat my food close to the window, spend a lot of time with the dog, looking out the window "talking" about what's going on outside. It has been raining very much, everything is so wet and muddy. A trip outside is not especially attractive.

So instead I chose to chase the sun indoors, spending  time in the sunlight while doing something else.
My computer desk is always placed by the window. In the living room, I'm able to eat in the sun, and in the sofa I'm able to take my afternoon nap with the sunlight directly in my face.

This has made a great difference in my mood and also way of thinking.
It helps recharging my body and calms me down inside.

So - especially theese days with Corona quarantine - I urge you to "chase the sunlight" from the inside of your house.
And BTW: people with anxiety often live their lives isolated like this, separated from the world. I personally have lived like this for more than 4 months, so I promise you all, you will be able to handle it.

Stay safe out there, don't panic.

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Sheltered by the darkness

I discovered something... I start to feel more safe and secure during the dark hours of the day.
That's odd to me.

Let's take a small child. A child who has no scars on their soul, doesn't know harm nor danger, the child has never experienced anything bad. Never the less the child is afraid of the dark. The human instinct takes over: "we can see anything, it MIGHT be dangerous."
I assume we're born this way(?) I don't know, but for experiments reason, lets just go with that assumption for a minute.

If its "normal" to be afraid of the dark, why do I feel more safe during the dark hours, than throughout the day?
I've thought about that from time to time during the week, and I've come up with a couple of situations, that might be the reason:
- there's no disturbing phone calls, where you have to check for salesmen before you answer
- there's no unexpected visits, or people who scared the crap out of me for using our land as a parking spot
- no appointments I have to go to
- no phone calls pending. I have to make all the appointments for us, and the animals, since I have plenty of time to stay on hold!
- theres not nearly as much noise, than during the daytime
- bf is asleep, and doesn't interrupt my thoughts each minute
- the animals are asleep and don't need a door "man" all the time

If I take each of the above, break it apart and put it back together, nighttime it's the only time of day, where I have a decent chance of peace.
Nobody asks me anything, noone wants me to do something,  noone interrupts. It's just calm and quiet.

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Climbing back to life from the buttom of anxiety and depression

Restlessness is a huge part of climbing back to life from the bottom of the hole of anxiety and depression.
Anxiety attacks also appears more often, and the struggle to get back up can seem endless.

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Fighting to get the desire to live

Yeah, I'm in a bad position right now, and have been sinde medio december. So bad in fact, that I each day have to remind myself, that I can't check out, cause I can't do that to my children.

But even the thought of that, I feel forced to live this damn life. I'm cornered from all sides. I can't get out.

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A New Year - With No New Hope

A new year has arrived, with all its usual empty promises of everything getting better. I don't believe in that crap anymore, it's not going to get better.

My christmas was ruined by the authorities, cause I seem to get more doctors appointments, than I ever got before. I dont know what kind of diagnose, they are looking for.
My doctor has written several times, that I need to get early retirement, and I need to be left in peace and quiet - NOT to be hunted by a government who uses every trick in the book to let you stay on the lowest income at all.
It's not only very frustrating, its undermining my financial situation and thereby its gets more difficult to take initiative to do anything that I might be able to do.
I dunno why sick people has the lowest income possible. People out of work get much better financial help - but out of work AND sick - you are apparently worth nothing. "Leave no man behind" - doesn't really apply here!
Several doctors costs money from your own pocket, they are not paid by the state. When you need to go somewhere for surgery for instance, you ask someone else drive you. My BF has taken time off from work many days, to stay with me at the hospital - everybody does that - so it's certainly not easy to make enough money for a family, if there's a sick person in the household.
SO as it turned out, it was just an empty promise from the state, that this last examination would be the last - nope. Now they want a... Actually I don't know what the hell they want!

Up until that meeting, I was SO looking forward to Christmas. My children were coming home, my daughter has met a wonderful young man, who also wanted to meet us and stay with us for a couple of days - that was wonderful.
But with the meeting and demands from the public service, it all felt like having a huge shadow hanging over me. Like I never was really happy.
It WAS a great christmas, and we had a great new years eve with neighbors - but it was a new years eve with no actual hope for the future.

I can for sure say, that I'm trying to find just a glimpse of a light here in the darkness, trying to get a hint to how to get out of this situation, thinking there must be hope somewhere. But right now I can see anything!

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