And so this is christmas

According to American movies, advertisements and my own expectations, this should be such a happy time.But doctors appointments and meetings with social services takes a lot of the spare time. My boyfriend works long hours a day, to be able to take a day off, when I need to go the hospital etc.I'm used to be the wife in total control, now I feel I have none. I have no car to go do shopping and make all those kind of preparations, I'm...

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The brain seen like a mental equalizer

Reading descriptions of mental disorders and injuries, you often find some resemblance to yourself, no matter what disorder or injury, you find.As a little thought experiment,  I've started to try to look at the brain as an equalizer, cause I've started the experiment  with the thought, that we all contain a bit of every disorder. In between the scale area of average, we actually and find the biggest part of people - let's...

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Silence after the storm

I don't really know what I'm doing. I just exist.It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain. I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself....

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When a punch in the face would hurts less

Why did I tell you about our sexual problems in the bedroom? It doesn't connect with anxiety and depression.Or does it?Since my boyfriend seemed to prefer to seek sexual satisfaction with his toys and porn over me, I was really down.It felt like a punch in the face would have hurt much less, however equally a dealbreaker.It most certainly affected my self-esteem and my awareness of how skinny I am.I question, if my body would turn on...

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After porn comes more lies

After discovering the truth and confronting him, I really thought he understood how heartbroken I was, and he ofcourse claims, that he had thrown away the toys and stopped watching porn immidiately.First he seemed genuine and very understanding,  but...I'm such an idiot!Some time later on, I was looking at recipes and comparing 2. I decided to go for the first one, but couldn't get the recipe  back on the laptop. But history...

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Pornography shows its ugly face

After the worst excuses for buying sex toys I have ever heard, the storm calmed down. His excuses was simply too embarrassing! Hes a grown man, not a 6 years old!The bad excuses mad me feel even worse. 'Did he really think, I was stupid.'I simply shut up, thered no reason to continue a argument like that.A month or 2 later, I was collecting our pictures from the phones on an external hard drive, and meanwhile looking at pictures and short...

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3 or in the bedroom or what

I'm a bit shocked. Shocked to the point, where I totally shut down, I have nothing to say, and my so-called fiance most certainly has not either. I was cleaning the bedroom and found several sextoys for men back in his drawer. I don't sleep in the bedroom, but sometimes he does, cause he is "oh so tired and need to sleep early and sleep in quiet upstairs."I don't recall, what I was thinking at first. Sound was just a windy noise...

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A depressing problem

Deprssed or sad?We hear the expression "I'm so depressed" very often during daily basis. I'm so tired of it. Fed up. People obsessing over tiny problems, referring to this as a depression, having no clue what so ever what depression is all about. Sometimes I really have to remind myself, that "I'm just having a bad monday" - it doesn't necessarily mean, my depression is back. Sometimes shit just happens.. But listening to people complaining...

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Heart attack or stomach problems

I didn't think, I would be able to stick around the whole summer. My stomach was aching, I couldn't find any away to sit in a car, workout being uncomfortable having problems breathing.  We went to a zoo during a weekend, and i saw nothing. All I remember was being tired and in pain constantly. My fiance tried to help me force feeding myself. But I couldn't. I even lost so much energy and strength, that I was no longer able to do my exercises. After...

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A girl interrupted

I find myself walking around the house without any real goal. I watered a couple of plants, I passed by, went to the kitchen and started to bake! During that task, I saw the microwave was very dirty, and started to clean it. I was out of butter, the filling is my cake is going to wait until we have been to the groceries. And I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking at what I have been doing. Constant distracted by other tasks. Apparently...

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The science of sleep

The science of sleep is a program currently on BBC earth in my end of the world. There's some very interesting and informative information, you should check it out, if you have troubles sleeping or suffering from insomnia. ...

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Nightmares AKA Night terrors

I've been having nightmares - or night terrors lately. Each and every night I wake up terrified, but here's the thing; I don't know what I was dreaming! All I know is that I'm frightened out of my mind and wake up from running away from something. But I don't know what! My friend has a son in the army, who knows a big deal about PTSD. I've asked for advice, and I got a long email - thank you for taking the time to write such a long explanation...

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Quarantine and social anxiety

The Corona virus has made the government close the borders and actually forbidden people to get together and go to work in most places. I'm not really scared about the virus. I'm more interested in peoples reactions in general. Living in quarantine is not more different than suffering from social anxiety disorder, SAD. You don't see many people during the day, often not people at all, so that's not a big difference compared to my daily life. The...

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Fight depression with sunlight

We all know  sunlight has a positive effect on us, for some more than others perhaps. Several of the psychiatrists I've met, have suggested that I started in a solarium. I tried it twice, and I hated it. Now I'm in a low place, so even though I don't get much done during the day. I don't like to go outside yet, otherwise we live In the country, so the Corona virus is not a huge problem for me on daily basis. Instead I try to recharge by...

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Sheltered by the darkness

I discovered something... I start to feel more safe and secure during the dark hours of the day. That's odd to me. Let's take a small child. A child who has no scars on their soul, doesn't know harm nor danger, the child has never experienced anything bad. Never the less the child is afraid of the dark. The human instinct takes over: "we can see anything, it MIGHT be dangerous." I assume we're born this way(?) I don't know, but for experiments...

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Climbing back to life from the buttom of anxiety and depression

Restlessness is a huge part of climbing back to life from the bottom of the hole of anxiety and depression. Anxiety attacks also appears more often, and the struggle to get back up can seem endless...

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Fighting to get the desire to live

Yeah, I'm in a bad position right now, and have been sinde medio december. So bad in fact, that I each day have to remind myself, that I can't check out, cause I can't do that to my children. But even the thought of that, I feel forced to live this damn life. I'm cornered from all sides. I can't get out...

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A New Year - With No New Hope

A new year has arrived, with all its usual empty promises of everything getting better. I don't believe in that crap anymore, it's not going to get better. My christmas was ruined by the authorities, cause I seem to get more doctors appointments, than I ever got before. I dont know what kind of diagnose, they are looking for. My doctor has written several times, that I need to get early retirement, and I need to be left in peace and quiet -...

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