Climbing back to life from the buttom of anxiety and depression

Restlessness is a huge part of climbing back to life from the bottom of the hole of anxiety and depression.
Anxiety attacks also appears more often, and the struggle to get back up can seem endless.

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Fighting to get the desire to live

Yeah, I'm in a bad position right now, and have been sinde medio december. So bad in fact, that I each day have to remind myself, that I can't check out, cause I can't do that to my children.

But even the thought of that, I feel forced to live this damn life. I'm cornered from all sides. I can't get out.

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A New Year - With No New Hope

A new year has arrived, with all its usual empty promises of everything getting better. I don't believe in that crap anymore, it's not going to get better.

My christmas was ruined by the authorities, cause I seem to get more doctors appointments, than I ever got before. I dont know what kind of diagnose, they are looking for.
My doctor has written several times, that I need to get early retirement, and I need to be left in peace and quiet - NOT to be hunted by a government who uses every trick in the book to let you stay on the lowest income at all.
It's not only very frustrating, its undermining my financial situation and thereby its gets more difficult to take initiative to do anything that I might be able to do.
I dunno why sick people has the lowest income possible. People out of work get much better financial help - but out of work AND sick - you are apparently worth nothing. "Leave no man behind" - doesn't really apply here!
Several doctors costs money from your own pocket, they are not paid by the state. When you need to go somewhere for surgery for instance, you ask someone else drive you. My BF has taken time off from work many days, to stay with me at the hospital - everybody does that - so it's certainly not easy to make enough money for a family, if there's a sick person in the household.
SO as it turned out, it was just an empty promise from the state, that this last examination would be the last - nope. Now they want a... Actually I don't know what the hell they want!

Up until that meeting, I was SO looking forward to Christmas. My children were coming home, my daughter has met a wonderful young man, who also wanted to meet us and stay with us for a couple of days - that was wonderful.
But with the meeting and demands from the public service, it all felt like having a huge shadow hanging over me. Like I never was really happy.
It WAS a great christmas, and we had a great new years eve with neighbors - but it was a new years eve with no actual hope for the future.

I can for sure say, that I'm trying to find just a glimpse of a light here in the darkness, trying to get a hint to how to get out of this situation, thinking there must be hope somewhere. But right now I can see anything!

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Will I make it out alive?

Yeah, despite my training and work with my own limitations caused by anxiety, depression and PTSS, I also have days like this, where I just don't see any other options, that the obvious stated.

This piece of music calms me down a bit, when sadness has the upper hand - to hear another person asking the same question, as I ask myself. Will this be the cause of my death(?) What's my future going to be like, if I can't work?

I guess the lyrics speaks for themselves, and I know many of you guys are tormented by the same lack af vision for the future. Just like I fo right now.

Don't start any alarming systems- it's a very very bad day, but I got my friends, (CC and Farmer)

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I still try to shake off depression

After an overload of pressure, I've sunk into a depressive state and needed some serious RnR, to get back to be able to hold my ground.

I certainly found a limit there. Just a bit of mental overload, and depression and anxiety is back.

I wanted to let you know, that I'm now off the couch. That was a fight not to just stay under the the duvet and pretend, that the rest of the world does not exist. Or even better; I don't excist.

It took me some time just to get there, and I'm trying to hold on the best I can.
I stay away from computers, phones - stats one of my "triggers" from my working days. Even though it is years ago, I simply can't handle the pressure that comes with computers and gadgets. PTSD / PTSS reactions comes instantly.
That's the reason you don't hear much from me right now.

During the day, I work with 2 schedules.
I have a sort of "must do" list, and a "can do".
Is given, the tasks on the must do lists it's the important, like take medication, breaks, even meals is in here - cause I tend to skip my meals due to lack of appetite.
And ofcourse the can do lists is assignments, that I can do, if I get inspired. (Right now I'm washing duvets for instance. The other day I was working in the garden...)

I'm slowly - but steady - taking in the world again bit by bit.

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Depressing rainy days with panic attacks

I know, it's the season changing, and it seems that I manage to "forget" that each year.

Everything is wet, cold, windy, rainy and grey, and it affects my mood big time.

SAD, seasonal effective disorder is normal in my country, and when you are depressed upf front, the season changes definately not help.

I've tried to get up, but doesn't really succeed. It's like I don't put my heart into fighting this right now. I wonder why.

I feel tired. Tired of fighting all the time to keep my head above water.

And now I have a period of panic attacks. Stomach cramps, an elephant sits on my breast, I can't breathe. I can't stay inside my body, I want out, but I can't. My skin is strange and every fiber in my body screams RUN, but where to(?)

I know I always say, that you can't force these things, and perhaps I need a bit more RnR, but at the same time I don't want this disease to take me prisoner.

But... the result is the same. I'm dressed, but other than feeding the animals, I have managed effectively to do absolutely nothing.

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I'm on a break from the world - dissociation

I discovered, I have a habit of escaping into a fantasy world, when the real world seems to hard to handle.

I am not totally disassociated, I'm well aware that the world I escape into is not real. But dissociation gives me the break from the true world, that I need.

And as always, I find a "magic world" or similar, to escape into. Anything but the real world will do!

I'm eating and sleeping a lot, and I have been for some days now, so I'm waiting a bit for the excitement to do something, will break in.

I feel, that I do not contribute enough, and the others had noticed, how hard I worked to get the house in order, they encouraged me to take a break. But I also start to feel their impatience (or maybe it's my own guild.)

I just know one thing for sure... If I'm not careful, if I force myself, I'm going to end up a lot worse.

So I'm still on a break with something as thrilling as "the magicians" and "Harry Potter."
Take care out there :-)

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Rest and Recreation

After all the stress around the house, I noticed, that my body has started to tell me, that something is off. Or maybe I have started to listen more!!!

No matter what, I have gone in RnR-mode, I rest a lot, I eat, and today I'll go thru my meds and check I've got everything on stock at home.

I'm not totally down - not at all. But I can't handle a lot of plans, I don't want to promise anything to anyone, I want to try to take it easy and just rest.

I'm filing the buttom of Maslow's pyramid og needs - sort of speak.

I'm primary resting, sleeping and walking in mature. I keep the house uncluttered, which is now a bit more easy, and I wash a load of clothes. Other than that, I just am.

Accepting my sickness, my weakness, was a challenge. But after that, it was a relief.
Now I live my life with the disease, which gives me much better results than stuffing pills in my mouth. Is a strength to know your weaknesses.
When you do, you can figure out how to work around it and how to live with it on daily basis.
Yes it requires sacrifices - but you gain so much more :)

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I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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Chores and depression

It seems impossible to find a way to get off my couch and in gear.
Normally I would have played it safe and stayed put and relaxed, until this state passes.  That's the best way to avoid deeper depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

But since the house is up for sale, we have to keep it clean always, and besides, I know we're going to get visitors to look at the house during this week, so I really don't have a choise. So I'm forcing myself to get up and get started, but so far my body does not obey.

Putting pressure on oneself is a bad choise, but I don't really see another way. I also want to move so I can't just lean back and wait for everybody else to take over. I'm not that kind of person, and guess what... That has brought me into the exact same situation before, and depression and anxiety answered right away.

Didn't I learn something? Absolutely, but I'm going to be more sick, before I let "the team" down.

Well, my safe spot is ready to in case I need it. I better get the vacuum and get started.

I'll do like the old days, write here along my way, using my diary as a crouch.

4 hours later:
I've almost finished the kitchen, but theres still a way to go. People have started to pack boxes, but left I the middle if the task.
I've been at my safe spot several times, but can't relax. My thoughts keeps going "I should do this, and I should do that..."
Well, better get started again, that's better than to lay around speculating about it.

The others came home an hour late, while I was cleaning windows. I thought that this would be the end for a while and we would team up afterwards.
However they are getting ready to go out for dinner. That's nice of them, but it doesn't help my stress.
I needed an evening in my safe spot with comfort food and a good movie. Now they're getting dressed up, and so should I, even though every fiber insides me is screaming to stay at home
Why can't I just relax(?)

I chose to take 5 mg diazepam, and finally my brain could function on normal level. It is a medication like valium, that calms you down, you can get addicted to this, so it's not recommended to take it regularly.
But geez, I really needed that.

I finally felt relaxed, able to follow a conversation, cause my brain wasn't thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time.
I consumed a good portion of dinner, and felt calm about the thought of cleaning house.

So we actually ended up having a nice evening, and perhaps I'm even able to fall asleep for once. I surely hope so.

Thank you for holding my hand today, I wish you all a good night.

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Bump on the road or return of depression and anxiety(?)

It's sometimes difficult to figure out, what's going on, when you have a couple of bad days in a row. Where's the limit between a couple of bad days and the return of anxiety and depression(?)

I actually don't know, if any "measurement system" has been made, I have never seen or tried one, and never heard about it, so I really don't think so.

However after a good period, it's more than likely, you'll experience some bad days too. I certainly do.
It's important to remember not to give up because if that. Everyone has bad days, we just tend to focus on those a bit more.

The way out of depression and anxiety is not  straight line upwards, its zig zagging it's way through time, upwards in general yeah, but not a steady line.
Finally after you stop taking your medication (because your doctor agrees with you to do that) you might also experience a change in your general mood for a while.

There's a lot of reasons, that can cause us having a row of bad days, and even though that's annoying,  it doesn't automatically men, your depression is back full blown. To the question 'is depression and anxiety back' -  the measurement should lie in what we are able to do, that's kind of the answer.

And I'd say for my case, it's not normal for me to lie in bed all day not wanting to do anything. If a couple of resting days does not help me out, I know it's going to be a longer run, than just waking up the next morning feeling fine.
I am definately not having a total mental breakdown, I might not have anxiety and depression returned full blown, but it will be, if I'm not extra careful the next month or so.

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Less stress - take a break!

It's not a surprise to you guys I guess, if you are amongst the stady readers: my depression has me caught again.

I have tried to fight it, but I forgot a couple of things.
I'll explain more in a few, but this shows - once again - how important it is, that we do not force ourselves or forget to take care of ourselves and the disease on daily basis.

I have had some days, where I simply was eating and sleeping and fighting anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn't make myself do anything. So once again I had to bite the dust, and I stayed in bed for days.
I could easily have been there for a month, if Farmer had not interfered. But I was also determined to figure out, what made me stumble and fall.

Once again it's stress - caused by the move and the mood of others. Well, the last thing is definately better than ever, it must be the move then.

Do I really get knocked off so easily now(?) People move all the time, and they do it while working full time jobs. Hell, I have done that several times before!!!

But yes, it is the move, the disorder and mess everywhere, not being able to find anything - it frustrates me.

That's kind of a good thing to know. Then I can work on a solution to this problem.

It seemed to start after a day of selling a lot of stuff, that we don't want to take with us, when we move. There was a lot of preparations to take care of, and a lot of strangers to talk with.
I dunno... At some point I could just feel every fiber in my body screaming "get the hell away from her." But I forced myself to stay, after all, I don't leave the work to others.

Here it's my body telling me, that I need a break, but I don't listen. Also I could have thought about it and realised, that I might need a break once in a while, just to ease my mind. I didn't, but I for sure will remember to take that under consideration during daily basis.

Now I've set my watch to chime each hour to remind me to take a break. No cell phone action, no TV, nothing - just  time to sit with a cup of tea for 5-10 minutes and ease my mind.

I'll try it out for while to see, if regular (forced) breaks is a way to lower the panic attacks and depressive thoughts.

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"Cutting" on social media!

I feel a need to speak up about this, since selfharm apparently has become a new form of sick competition.

You should know, that people who are really suffering from "cutting" (the urge to do damages to own body) they do not publish it on social media. They do it secretly, so that nobody knows.
People showing off picture by picture of cuts, are not "cutters."

I have been cutiing at one point. Noone knew, until the day I found myself doing something stupid once again. Then I wrote ONE post about it, it was very hard to write, and I had decided to stop it as the first important fight, cause it is NOT a way to persue - and I haven't done it since then.

People that do harm for real (and not for attention) would never ever post this on social media.

People who post pictures of their cuts, they have a sick need of attention.
I really don't know what to call them.
Sick yes, embarrassingly desperate for attention - more like it.

I had to research for this one, but yes it has a name:
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) excessive attention-seeking emotions (and approval of other.)

I'm sorry to say, that I have absolutely NO sympathy for people, who make posts like that (and dare other people to do the same) 

I know they are sick, they must be! But my sympathy they will never get, cause they are contagious in the way they urge other people to do the same.

These attention seeking people are in fact sick, even though we might find them destructive of others.
Because they are destructive of others in their desperate need of attention and drama, others feel the need to keep a distance.

I can't personally separate myself from the fact, that posting shit like that on social media, creating an online society where this is "normal," daring other people to do the same etc etc are highly contagious, especially young people.
What about group pressure? What if an ubsecure teenager just want to belong to a group, and it turns out to get worse and worse?
These so much moral, that's goes against mine, so I'm sorry.
I'm truly ashamed that I can't relate to you, I'm sorry that I don't feel bad for your situation. But I hope for your sake, it is not my son or daughter you urge to get into stuff like that, because if so, I promise, I will kill you myself!

If you are posting pictures like the above mentioned, the best thing you can do, is to call your doctor immidiately.
After that, please call "an internet cleaner" to get rid off as much of the shit you have posted previously - as soon and as thorough possible. I know "once it's out there, it's out" - well yes. But the least you can do is to get rid off the pages, you control.

Other than that, I have no advice to offer, I have no experience with this disorder.

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Maintenance

Hi all

We are currently updating the theme for the blog. I'm sorry for the inconvenience this may cause.

Laila
CC Team - design

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