Blood pressure skyrocketing

Photo by: emagineart

Saturday evening didn't went as I expected. I didn't feel good, and as time went by, I felt worse and worse. So no piano for me, and all the rest of my plans for that evening went down the sewer.
I felt like my inner engine was driving too fast, and my brain was frying. My body felt, like it wanted to run the marathon, but my brain was overworked and wanted to sleep.

The staff kept taking my blood pressure, which was skyrocketing, and its still very high.... 

Yesterday evening it was 196 over something - my pulse is normal.

I was, and still am, wondering, if this is sideeffects from the medication, or if theres something more to it. It will be almost hilarious, if this turns out to be a depression caused by a physical problem, and they treat me with pills that is supposed to work for a psychological problem.

The doc has been to see me, and I am going to the heart specialists today to get some equipment on, that will measure my bloodpressure throughout 24 hours.

I have absolutely no energy or desire to do anything, I feel SO tired, that its hard even to write this post.
Well, I'll see what they figure out...

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Christmas Is Here With All Its (?) Joy (?)

I'm staying with friends to avoid to be alone - but after a couple of months here I found myself in a bad place - again.
With all its bad stuff like a pounding heart, trouble to breathe, scared of everything, depressed like I don't know what.
The feeling of being alone is worst on the holidays. I look at the couple's smiling at each other, holding hands and buying Christmas presents for the children together.
I can't get thru that my stomach turns into a knot and I feel like womitting from the hurt inside.
I snuggle up in my blankets and pillows, pretending I don't exist.

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No sleep makes a breakdown even worse

I haven't been able to sleep since the night until Sunday.
I can't remember ever once doing that. Skipping 2 nights of sleep!
Im definately so tired, that I hope I can :-)

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2015 Arrived With All Its Challenges...

- and again there has been several down rides. The ups has been short. I never saw the summer - I was just laying in my sofa getting more weak for each day - sad but true.I couldn't shop, so for a long time I just bought food from the pizza bar, that delivers. However the taste of pizza is not compelling after eating it each day. After a while, with pizza boxes piling up (I couldn't even go to my garbage can - too scared to do it) I asked "friends" for help. Well the result from that was they took my money, and didn't get back with groceries. One "friend" even emptied my card - thank you very much!!! So I found myself in a very very bad place, with no one to trust.

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It's been several years since my last post...

Photo by RCB
- and there has been several up and down periods in my life.
I found a wonderful boyfrind - so I thought. To make a very long story short, he ended up using all money on my savings account, beating me up so I broke 3 ribs, followed by terrorizing me by phone and SMS. This sweet sweet man, with whom I thought I should spend the rest of my life with... Once again all my dreams were shattered into peaces, and followed by everyone in the neighborhood turning their backs on be because of his lies - that was more than my heart could take.
Unfortunately I have been committed to the Mental Hospital several times during this period, and I haven't even felt the desire to write. I felt so ashamed and worthless - so why should anyone want to read my words(?)

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I'm so tired in general - and I need more tests

Photo by: TinyApartmentCrafts

I was discharged from the hospital Friday, and I really wish to travel. However my energy level is extremely low, I'm even scared to drive for more than 1 hour.

Today I got a letter from the local hospital.
Apparently I need to go to the University Hospital for more tests. It's more than 1,5 hour away, so in some sort of way, I will ironically get my wish to travel fulfilled.

I really start to be feed up with hospitals, the smell, the examinations, tests, blood samples. I start to feel like a pincushion.

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I want to travel - to forget the hospital and...

Photo by: Dominic

... all the bad things.


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do, than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” 
Marc Twain

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Visit to the heart specialist at the Hospital

I spend approximately an hour at the heart specialist at the hospital. Since then I have been carrying a mobile blood pressure measuring machine, and I feel pretty ridicules walking around with the buzzing and humming from the machine in my pocket, and the "breathing" from the thing around my arm.
It measures my blood pressure and pulse each 15 minutes, and if something seems wrong, it measures an extra time. I'm supposed to carry the equipment for 24 hours, and I have absolutely no idea of how I am supposed to fall asleep.
I haven't told the children or my mom about this, I don't want them to worry - but I miss someone to talk with. My friend and I went outside for a cigarette and talked a bit while sitting next to each other on the stairs...

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Medication sideeffects or is my heart really broken(?)

Photo by: emagineart

Saturday evening didn't went as I expected. I didn't feel good, and as time went by, I felt worse and worse. So no piano for me, and all the rest of my plans for that evening went down the sewer.
I felt like my inner engine was driving too fast, and my brain was frying. My body felt, like it wanted to run the marathon, but my brain was overworked and wanted to sleep.

The staff kept taking my blood pressure, which was skyrocketing, and its still very high.... 

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I have been moved to the depression deparment :-)

Photo by: JoshSemans

Finally they got open spaces at the depression department of the mental hospital. Both me and my friend have been standing by all day to be moved, and now we are finally in an environment of peace and quiet.

The "excitement" in the other part of the mental hospital was hand able, however there was fights in the hallway during the night, so I haven't slept much.
During lunch, the screaming girl got an epileptic episode, she simply fell of her chair and went into cramps on the floor. There was only one nurse nearby, so since I was close to the door I shouted out in the hallway, that we needed some help in the dining area. Fortunately, there's a sofa/tv section in the dining area, with pillows, that we could put around her head, since her head was hitting the radiator for each cramp her body took.
God, what a day.

I had planned to go shopping for some little gifts for the children, after I was moved...

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I have made a friend :-) And the pants guy has escaped :-)

2 escapes in 24 hours - well this time I'm happy, if they don't get him. Suddenly the guy, that was in my room with his pants open, escaped. I don't really know how he escaped, cause I was in my room, when I heard the staff shouting and running down the hallway.
Well, it makes it less scary to be here, however the guy is of course in the need of help, so I do hope they catch him for his own good. I just wish, that we could lock our rooms for guys like him.

However, there is a new patient today (or maybe yesterday late evening - I didn't see him arrive.) He is here for the same reasons (almost), like me. We both lost our beloved recently, and we can't figure out, how life is supposed to go on...

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I wish we had lock on our doors here

Even though there's screaming and fights, no one has ever touched me here.
The little guy with the blue plastic bags on his feet, who "arrested" the people with the food wagon the other day, is totally harmless, but loud. I have now figured out, what the deal is, with the food wagon. He is so scared of everything, that he uses this big metal wagon to barricade his door!
Today he was not the police, no he was the main stockholder in the biggest company of the country. And he owned the hospital, so... They should let him have the food wagon. Poor guy.

The newcomer, that was brought in by the police, is another story...

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I didnt know my heart could break into more pieces

Photo by: dlkinney

I got some news this afternoon, that totally shook the ground underneath me. When the hospital staff saw me, they immediately game me relaxation medicine.
I am SO disappointed in everyone around me.
 Apparently I have been degraded to a brick in the game, that everyone around me feels the right to move around accordingly to their own wishes.

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Yawn - highlights of this day at the mental hospital

Photo by: Highway Patrol Images

The best thing that happened today, was I talked with my little girl on the phone. I miss my children SO much, but its hard to talk on the phone, cause I of course can't tell her about the stuff that goes on here, that would just scare her. So I listen to her stories, but I can't really contribute with something nice other than talking part of her daily day, asking a couple of questions here and there, to keep the conversation going.

After this, I'll "warn" you, cause I'm in a very sarcastic mood today, so be prepared for some black "humor." Well, at least I write in this way - otherwise everything would so darn tragic, and I can't go there.

As I was hanging up my laundry on the radiator under the windows, a police car came strolling into the parking spot. Dear Jesus, now we will even get a criminal in here. It's going to be more and more *fun* for each day. (I hope and do believe, that you can "hear" the sarcasm in my "voice.")

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