First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team

I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day.
To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options.

Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough"  through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time.
After that, they got presented with the medication, that I take now.

1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 200 mg.

2. Tolmin (Mianserinhydrochlorid)
10 mg

3. Apozepam (Diazepam)
25 mg

4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
"Valerina forte"
 "Drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"


The Psychiatrist team advised me not to take the nature medicine. There's apparently a suspicion, that it effects the other chemicals.

For now, I should keep on the dose of prescribed medication, until the entire Psychiatrist Team has discussed, if I should change medication and/or dose.


At the end of the meeting, they presented me with a list, a Patient guide in psychoeducation.

calm down
relief
reduce stress and pressure
sleep
structure the day
personal hygiene
food / drink
small activities
fresh air
exercise
rest
medicine
no alcohol
no drugs

I started to cry, when I saw the list. All of the symptoms above (besides drugs) is something, that I fight with. It was both scary - and a relief - to see a list like that. This means, that I'm not "abnormal" in my reaction to a total mental breakdown. And these are the things, they are going to help me with.
Until I get better, I should stop seeing my Psychologist, cause I wont be able to do serious work with him, while I'm still as down as I am.

The Psychiatrist Team is coming again next Tuesday, so lets see what happens then.

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Cutting

I cant escape. There's no way out of here.
Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it.
There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible). 
But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here....

I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell.
Living hell on earth!

I have started cutting again. I know - not a good thing... It's a down spiral.
This picture is of my left arm. The scars is from yesterday, so you dont see the bleeding.
I enjoy the pain when I cut!
It makes me feel alive.
Seeing the blood streaming from my body confirms, that I am living - even though I feel dead.

The psy team is coming tomorrow - I hope they have something to offer!

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A New Family Member(?)

We have decided to get another family member - a kitten.
It's just difficult, since our cat "Kitty" is very nervous - especially after we had the dog.
So we are looking for a kitten, that is not too old - 8-10 weeks. Hopefully it wont scare our Kitty.

There is no kittens available online for now - only "older" kittens, like 6 months+.
We can't risk that. We don't want to make this a fight for Kitty to be in her house. She has already experienced that, and now she is finally feeling that the whole house is access able.
However  spring is coming up, so perhaps we will find a new "family" member at that time.

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I Feel Trapped

I don't really care where I end up, when I die. Nothing can be worse than this.
I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore.
If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapped.

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I See No Future

Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day.
I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state.
I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers".
I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken...

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Are You Ready To Date(?)

- or something like that was written on an advertisement, I saw on an internet site I visited today.
The advertisement also said something like: " you know yourself and your wishes - let us find the perfect match for you, who shares the same wishes as you."

Shortly after I read that, I went to the dance show with my children, and didn't really think about it, until I started to notice some men looking at me and smiling at me.
I wished the earth would open up underneath me and swallow me! I was scared to be among so many people first of all, but to have men smiling at me... I was not prepared for that.
Fortunately I had my big boy next to me - he is really starting to be big now - when we were driving to the dance show, we joked about him being our "bodyguard".
But its not a total joke - if he had not been there, I don't know, what I would have done. It just feels wrong somehow - my son is protecting his mother - not like it used to be. Me, as a mother, protecting my son.
Well, lets just say, that there was a lot of potential boyfriends there, but I am not ready. I'm scared. I don't know what scares me the most... To start loving another person again (and risk getting treated like waste), or to never fall in love again.

When we came home, I did however make a false profile on a free dating site - just to take a look at "what is out there". My little girl saw me looking, and even though I told her, that I am just looking, I'm not planning on doing anything, she said the wise words:
"Didn't you find our step dad on the internet(?)"
(She means my ex boyfriend, who left without a goodbye)

We had a good talk about that. And as I have told both my children, I am not ready to date anybody. I'm scared now. My last boyfriend turned into something, that I don't know what was. We started by being the best friends, we could talk about everything. We were so much in love. Well, so I thought. To him, I guess it was just an opportunity to leave a world, that he didn't like, for some years. And we were his tools.

I have lost it once before I've pulled myself up from the floor
And I am looking for a reason to stay standing
But sometimes it's just too much or not enough or something else
It's so much bigger than my head, it's too demanding

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to go slow
And sometimes if you wanna hold on you got to let go

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We Are Going To A Danceshow Today - Anxiety....

My little girl takes danceclasses, and now the team is going to preform a danseshow today. Since its in another city, we have to drive there, and of course I want to see her preform on stage.
However anxiety is hard on me, I'm scared to even get out of the house. I'm scared to be in a room filled with people... I', scared I will have a panic attack up there...
But I can't let my little girl down, so I simply have to get it together and force myself to do this. It's not going to be easy - but well, life is not easy at all.
I wish I had someone to go with me, but she is preforming next week also, and then my mom will  be there. She can't be there for me all the time, she is not well herself.

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Theres One Neighbor I'm Scared Of

He started by calling me, while my friend was visiting this morning, so I chose not to take the call. However he called half an hour later, while the children and my friend was sorting some of my ex husbands things. I answered that call, and it was obvious, that he had been drinking heavily.  He wanted me to come over, but I refused, and I had difficulties to get him off the phone without being impolite.
I told the children and my friend what happened. My friend already knew the particular neighbor was drunk, so they were all watching out for him. Fortunately he has not come over yet!

During the whole day he has been calling me, I don't know how many times! Of course I don't answer the phone, and now I start to be scared, that he will come over during the evening.
I'm almost paranoid with locking the doors, I start to fear, when the phone will ring the next time - and I am really scared that he will suddenly stand outside our door.
This is really something, that I don't need right now. My anxiety is hard on me already, and now I have to fight the fear of that particular neighbor too.

We are trying to have a nice evening, with a good movie - but the fear is in the thoughts all the time. I really wish that I had a man in the house, that I could cuddle into and feel safe.

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I have been sick - but mentally I start to feel a bit better

I haven't been writing for some days now, I have been running a fever again and spend most of my time sleeping and having the worst dreams.
However today I managed to get to work, and after lab work was done, I went back to work from home. I feel better in my "safe spot."
I worked until 17, but after that I actually also managed to do some work around the house since dinner was already made. It's nice, to start to feel a little bit of excitement. A little spark of desire to actually do something, instead of just sitting crumbled together in a chair staring empty out of the window.
Remembering my psy tools: do not demand anything from yourself, keep your ambition level to a minimum. After having had such a total mental breakdown, the depression will hit hard. So I just have to focus on getting the normal household running, and if I then have the desire to do a little extra - I should be happy about that. And I am.
Today, besides taking care of the children and my job, dinner etc. - I also did some work on the house. Hung up some pictures, a towel dryer in the bathroom...
So, now I feel tired in a good way, and anxiety is not that hard on me. I know that feeling can easily change to the worse in an hour, but I'll try to keep focus on the good moments :-)

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Cleaning Up After My Ex Boyfriend And Husband

I think a little about my never ending "to-do-list". I haven't made an actual list, cause it will just make me scared to look at it!
But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore.

Stuff after my ex husband
We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse!
However going through his stuff is more easy, since he has no need or wish to keep stuff anymore, therefore we don't have to worry about his opinion. Now its up to the children and me to decide, whether we feel something for the stuff, that he left behind, and would like to keep that for sentimental reasons.
The task is going to be difficult emotionally though, and I'm scared, that the children and me will be overwhelmed with sorrow, while doing the job.

Stuff after my ex boyfriend
This is more difficult in another way. After the way he left us, I don't believe, there will be a lot of sorrow attached to that. Especially not for the children. And for me, well, lets face the reality... He represented a dream of a husband, which he was never really wanted to be.
We have already started to remove pictures of him around the house, and replace it with pictures of the childrens father. I know for sure, that the childrens father loved us all for real - he was just too sick and not able to fight his alcoholism.
However - no matter what my ex boyfriend did to us - I find it difficult to throw away his stuff. I can't in any way know, what kind of stuff that means something for him emotionally, if anything at all. As I wrote in an earlier post, "what was actually important to my boyfriend(?)"
I have asked several times in mails, if there's special stuff, he would like to keep, but I get no answer.
I really don't want to throw away stuff, that means something to him - even after the horrible way he left me - I can't do that. On the other hand, we can't keep storing it forever. And I really have no belief, that he will come one day and transport it back to his own country.

What to do(?)
Well, I have planned to "arm" myself with my neighbor. Get the one garage, where some of my ex husbands stuff is stored, get the stuff in that garage sorted and cleaned out. She will be able to help me and the children through the sorrow, when it arrives.
That way the trailer will fit into the garage, and we will be able to load it little by little, with other stuff, that we want to throw away (without the stuff getting wet and heavy by rain.)


What I personally need to do:
Remember my Psychologist Tools: accept that I am sick. Not to make too many plans. Not to force myself.

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Depression Makes My Energy Level Low

After my mental breakdown, I was able to do a lot of stuff. I practically buried myself in work, both at my job and the building on the house. I guess it was also some kind of escape, or caused by the dissociation.
Now depression is making every task almost impossible to get through, and anxiety and panic attacks takes a lot of the little energy that I have.
I feel the need to sleep a lot, and even though I try to do so, I feel tired all the time.

Even so, I managed to do some work around the house during the weekend. Since the sun was shining, and it helps to get out of the house into the sunshine, we also went into the garden, and did a little stuff there.

One of my Psy Tools is to look at the positive, that I have done - and not to look at all the stuff, that I don't get done. I'm still working on accepting that I'm sick, and since I have a tendency to demand way to much from myself, I'm not really successful in looking at the positive. I always feel, that I could and should have done more.... Right now I just have to try to accept, that I am sick, and that my mental condition requires me to get more rest and sleep.

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My Ex Boyfirend In My Childrens Oppinion

I have had several good talks with my children today :-)
We started talking about one of our neighbors, which we are afraid of. (I'll probably go into details another day)
The point is, that this talk lead to a talk about my ex boyfriend.
I was quite surprised about their opinions on him...

My little girl said: he never had time for us. He just used us. When my girl came to him with a problem on school work, my ex boyfriend never "had time." Her thought is, that he was just playing games, and that he had a site that he quickly flashed to, to prevent her from seeing that. She never felt, that he was there for her for real, and she feels, that he just used us to have a place, where he could play games. And then she mentioned, that he left and never even said goodbye!

I asked my big boy, how he felt about what my little girl said. He said, that he felt the same thing. But he also added, that he had noticed, that my ex boyfriend never made a real attempt to get into life here. He stopped language classes, he never applied for a job here. He was just sitting behind his computer doing "whatever" - and never really took a part of the family. Besides that, my boy also felt, that everything my  buy did, was wrong in my boyfriends opinion.

It was good to have that talk with my children.
As I told them: we (I) have to be more wise, when I choose my next boyfriend. And that is not going to happen in near future. My trust in men in general has been put to zero.

What is important about this, is we, the children and me, had this conversation. We are starting to feel like a family again - "a team."

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Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great

The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help.
But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done.

My current social worker - I had no confidence in her at all - until today!
My God, she was really able to spot the problems, that I fight the most.
I have paid thousands of euros on psychiatric and psychologist help - and in 90 minutes she was able to spot the main part of what is bothering me the most. My father!
She is not worried about the children, she is worried about me! 

The short version is, that my father put a fist into my face, and after that he told me "I am no longer your father".

I'll make it short now, cause I'm very tired.
Since I was 6 years old, I watched my father beat up my mom. Theres a lot of ugly episodes of that...

The point is, that I of course need to work on that, and also get medication to get better. The psy district is going to help me with that, and in the mean time I control my medication with my mom and my own previous experiences.

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Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment

I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me.
At the same time I got more relaxation medicine.

I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle...
Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the thought comes to mind... I have a full package of relaxation medicine, an full package of my own anti depressives, some anti depressives that my ex boyfriend left behind him, and the normal stuff, that every family always has on stock, like paracetamol etc. Will it be enough(?)
And at the second after I know, that I cant allow myself that thought.

I'm just so tired. Physically and mentally.

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