After porn comes more lies

After discovering the truth and confronting him, I really thought he understood how heartbroken I was, and he ofcourse claims, that he had thrown away the toys and stopped watching porn immidiately.

First he seemed genuine and very understanding,  but...

I'm such an idiot!

Some time later on, I was looking at recipes and comparing 2. I decided to go for the first one, but couldn't get the recipe  back on the laptop. But history has suddenly been wiped.

It doesn't suddenly disappear, you have to do that manually.

Again I confronted him. He claimed ofcourse, he had not done anything, besides we have had sex several times,  he claimed.

I went to my calendar and started to look back, for each page I turned, I saw his face look more weird.

4 months! Once in 4 months.

I didn't ask anything, the stupid excuses make me sick, besides I don't need to ask.

Theres NO man who goes without sex for 4 months, if he has a woman right next to him. Theres must theres something more interesting for him to "do:.

This time I didn't really feel much but a bit sad, cause I know what's going on.

He is still watching porn, he is just not computer wise enough to know, what history actually means. 

But to make a long story short, it doesn't prevent others to find, what you watch.

I have given up any discussion now, he wont realise, how much he has hurt me and still does.

He doesn't talk about any previous girlfriends, so apparently somethig is not over.

At newyears he showed me a message from his messenger. I noticed a long row of girls he had been sending hearts and virtual hugs to in october. 

I checked my own messages and I haven't received anything like that from him in october or anytime else for that matter..

I am currently having a huge discussion with myself whether I should stay here or not. I love him, but...

He is "just not that into me", and apparently he prefers to look at porn and jerk off, rather than be with me.

AND he lies about it, he talks about me with others, also talks about me with previous girlfriends  

Sometimes he leaves the house to talk on the phone, so I wont hear the conversation, and naturally he gets messages all the time 

Buy do you know, what I don't get?

With all the above 'interests' and secrets, why the hell has he asked me to marry him twice?

Read More

Pornography shows its ugly face

After the worst excuses for buying sex toys I have ever heard, the storm calmed down. His excuses was simply too embarrassing! Hes a grown man, not a 6 years old!

The bad excuses mad me feel even worse. 'Did he really think, I was stupid.'

I simply shut up, thered no reason to continue a argument like that.

A month or 2 later, I was collecting our pictures from the phones on an external hard drive, and meanwhile looking at pictures and short movieclips of our old diseased dog.

Amongst all those happy memories, I suddenly had a porn movie on the screen.

First I thought it was an error, an ad or something, but then the next, and the next came up.

The cold swathes started and my fingers was already shaking. My brain was working on overload, thinking a million thoughts at the same time. It felt like my head was gonna explode.

I checked the date and time with my own calendar, and surprise...

My oh so supportive boyfriend, who went with me to all the hospital visits, who sat beside med and was oh so tired, he had to leave early from the hospitalto get some sleep. And meanwhile I felt so sorry for him for being so tired, and felt bad for taking up so much extra of his time.

THAT sweet boyfriend, who made me feel like such a burden on him, he had time to download porn morning, noon and night!

Don't worry, he was certainly playing with his toys.

I remembered, when I came home from the hospital and was not physically able to go to second floor, he spend SO much time upstairs making cigarettes. Otherwise he was SO tired, he had to take a nap, and I was alone most time in the sofa in front of the TV. 

I remember I felt so left out, cause he barely talked with med or spend any time with me, even though he had the days off. Most of the time he spend upstairs. 

Now I know why.

And you know what? 

He tells me, it's my own fault. 

My stomach was hurting after surgery yeah, but not for 2 damn years!

Then he then claimed, he didn't know, I was ready!

Hello!! We went to a sex store together on MY suggestion.

I felt really bad and this time I packed my clothes. 

Never ever in my life have any man made me feed so bad about myself 

I'm sick, I can't work anymore, and apparently I'm not attractive enough anymore either.

I felt so disgusted with myself, and also disgusted by the thought of what he had been doing upstairs, while I couldn't move!

I felt an uncontrollable insanity had processed my body.

I confronted him and told him that, and started with all his excuses, but this time it was finally ME who was shouting

I hate you for making me feel like that. 

I hate you for what you have done to us. 

Done to me, done to my self esteem.

My trust in you is long gone and I dont even want to try anymore.

It's an unfair 'game,' when he acts so selfish. He has been working on having sex with his porn girls and HIS toys for HIM SELF  - while I was working WITH HIM  and used MY spare money US and sexy lingerie.

It would had been cheaper just to buy a dildo, if that's what I wanted. 

We apparently didn't even have the same goals anymore.

I din't wanna ask him any more. I still need an explanation, the truth, but I don't want to hear any other stupid excuses.

So once again we had a long periode with polite conversation, until I finally started to feel a bit better again.

Meanwhile he also assured me, that he had thrown out everything and totally given up porn.

Well... What do YOU think?

Read More

3 or in the bedroom or what

I'm a bit shocked. Shocked to the point, where I totally shut down, I have nothing to say, and my so-called fiance most certainly has not either.

I was cleaning the bedroom and found several sextoys for men back in his drawer. I don't sleep in the bedroom, but sometimes he does, cause he is "oh so tired and need to sleep early and sleep in quiet upstairs."

I don't recall, what I was thinking at first. 

Sound was just a windy noise in my ears, and my heart felt like it was pounding like a jack hammer.I thought I was gonna loose it, get yet another complete and total mental breakdown this time.

Then I started to pack, but at the same moment I stuffed my suitcase, I remembered, that I no longer owned a car.

I felt SO neglected and unappreciated, I couldn't even get away, when I needed to, cause I had prioritized to save money to buy a new place together, and he uses money on cheating on me.

When sex was hard after my surgery, I bought the game monogamy for US, while he was buying toys FOR OWN pleasure.

I was so disappointed and also very ashamed, that I wasnt good enough to meet his needs. I cried the whole afternoon. I didn't feel worthy of anything, I was nothing.

And that's why I haven't been writing for such a long time.

Theres ofcourse more to the story, but I thought I owed you all an explanation, and I have to get this out of my system somehow. Nevertheless it's a hard topic for me, so... I'll work on that.

Quotes from the site of my very understanding and trustworthy friends at CCteam

Read More

A depressing problem

Deprssed or sad?

We hear the expression "I'm so depressed" very often during daily basis.
I'm so tired of it. Fed up.
People obsessing over tiny problems, referring to this as a depression, having no clue what so ever what depression is all about.

Sometimes I really have to remind myself, that "I'm just having a bad monday" - it doesn't necessarily mean, my depression is back. Sometimes shit just happens.
.

But listening to people complaining about every day stuff and feeling "depressed" cause they are tired and have to do laundry!
I'm sorry, you have absolutely no clue to what depression is.

I don't even know how to describe it actually but to say, that depression is not just a feeling of  bad day. It's a state of mind that intervenes with your daily often so much, medication is required.

It's sad we have started to use this word so incorrectly.

And whether you just  feel depressed or is diagnosed with depression, we have to remembe, that sometimes a bad day is just- a bad day.

Read More