Who can you really count on?

I often get emails from you guys out there, who feels totally alone and abandoned.

How do you move on, when you feel neglected, overlooked or even ignored?

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The purpose of life

I've been having a very bad period, where I've struggled to find a place for me in this world.

According to political decisions, I'm supposed to live with this salary for the rest of my life.
If that's the case, what do I see in the future(?)

My absolute favourite thing in the world is to travel. Not with any extravagance,  no water how. That's totally out of range.

I'm sleeping on a couch in a house share, struggling to make ends meet every month.
Living for 160 Euro a month, before dentist, clothes, hairdresser, gifts, medication, food and transportation.
Lovely - no thank you.
That kind of future is to me so dark, I can't see light anymore.

I've actually went so far in my thoughts, that I decided to build up a storage of the pills, that I know I need, to end this shit. Then I would be prepared for the next step, when I wanted to leave.

To make a long story short, my blog manager CC came for a visit. She sensed something was wrong and made me talk to the Farmer.
And the Farmer - well let's just say, you can't escape. I dunno what she contains, I don't know what she's build of, that woman. But you can't fool her, and she is a badass when it comes to kicking verbally ass, so let's just say, I was burned.
It is after all her method I'm using, so I better use it right.

She's actually been through situation almost similar to mine, it's weird we found each other.
The difference is, she is standing, and standing tall - I'm still trying to get my ass up from the floor. I guess it's a question of willpower, and she acts like - infact she is a true - Viking.

Clarise told me to notice, that there is a huge difference. Cause the Farmer is appreciated by the other people in the house and lives with her fiance. I live with other people too and has to feel appreciated, where I am.

I'm actually thinking about going away for a month to my mother. I'll get a break from the others, and I can help her simultaneously. It's ofcourse not a permanent solution, but that's an option for the moment. I'll consider that, cause I'm fed up with the looks from the others... Why didn't she cook/clean/do laundy/clean up... Well I don't, clean up after yourself. Help me clean the house, I'm not the only one who lives here.

But I feel so stressed out, that the fact apparently is, they only see me as a maid.

CC also mentioned, there's a lot of offers to buy the rights to the blog, there's options to make interviews, to advertise for doctors and medication etc etc, that would help me a bit. But she already knew my answer.
No, no, and no. 

I do NOT recommend any medications, I do NOT recommend any doctors, and I am for sure not letting anyone ghost write my blog, and pretend they are me. I'd rather starve to death.

If CC wants to make an informative post, she'll put her name on it. That's it.

But well, I am considering, what they told me, to go visit my mom and get some distance, and I'll see, what I figure out.

I feel strangled here, but right now I'm too tired to make any decisions.

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Youtube Channel

I don't use YouTube much anymore, due to the heavy amount of advertisement, that jumps in, while I try to fall asleep.
I absolutely love Jean-Michel Jarre, but his music gets interrupted all the time.
Who can sleep through that(?)

However there's still some pieces of music, that has no interruptions.
CC has taken my playlist and made it public.

You find the YouTube playlist here.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLBuju34d75pk3Zt1z_ZvOJ1SrZNAz-Ez

(Or try searching for TMB Total Mental Breakdown, then you'll find it)

I'll add the playlist to the direct links for relaxation radio/music/sounds at the top of the page.

I prefer the online radio channels to YouTube, but now you've got a link to YouTube music as well. Thanks CC :-)

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Dementia test

I've been at the doc for a dementia test today. I knew it wouldn't hurt physically, but emotionally I was SO scared, that I had to tell the nurse not to take notice of me crying, it's simply due to stress relief.

The very thought of suffering from dementia is do frightening for me, I think a bad result would finally break me for good and leave me with bot only a total mental breakdown - but simply finish me off for good.

And what's that test like(?)
Strange and funny at the same time.

I'm a mrs. I-need-to-know-it-all, so I really had to fight the urge, to ask a lot of questions.

But here's how my dementia test went down.

- what year is it?
- what month?
- the date of today?
- is it Wednesday?
that sort of questions.

Then she gave me 3 things to remember:, an apple, a windows, scissors.

She handed me a paper and told me to take it with my right hand, fold it. Then put it down on the floor and stand up next to it.
I felt the questions screaming- kinda funny - while doing the task.

- Now pick up the paper and draw a circle.
I did.
- put in numbers to make it look like a watch.
I did.
- Draw the clock as if it shows 9.20.
I did.
- Write a sentence...
I wrote something stupid.

You have 93, withdraw 7.
I did.
Withdraw 7.
I did
Withdraw 7....
I did, I did, I did...

What was the 3 things I told you to remember?
Scissors, apple, window.

I got some Pentagon's to draw in free hand, and to finished it up, they took a blood sample, heart cardiogram, and I peed in a cup. LOL-thay was the worst part!

So once again; not so damn frightening, as it was in my mind.
However - as I told the doc - I'm not scared of the test. Physical pain I can handle. However I don't know how to handle it, if the test comes out with me having dementia, a permanent brain malfunction.

But today I was a straight A student and came thru with flying colours :-)
The test will be continued, but so far do good.
Thank God.

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I am worth nothing to other people

I hate not to know, where I'm going. What am I supposed to do, while I await other people's decision about my future(?)

What I hate even more, is how people treat me because of my disease - even despite my disease. 

I'm apparently supposed to be their deck and call, if they are hungry, we need to eat now! 

I never sleep in late, because they do, and someone needs to take care of the dogs.

Last week there were 4 days off, I didn't get to sleep in late even once!

I have to say the consideration for my needs washed away a long time ago. 

Sometimes I in fact have to remind people, that I really don't feel okay, and I get awfully hurt, when spoken to like they do here.

I don't know if the lack of co consideration is lack of understanding. After all I don't look sick...

The doc want me to get disability, but the politicians and job consultants can 'cure' everybody. It's horrifying, what goes on in the country right now.

I feel helpless, like a little child who has not a vote in the matter, just awaiting the decisions of the adults.

I'm being talked to like they please to do, with no thoughts for me as a person. I get yelled at, just because I was there - not because anything is my fault.

It's like I don't have a position in the world, I'm not only nothing. I'm the dirt anyone is allowed to step on.

Guess what?
Think again - they haven't been to hell and back. I have, and I have been chewed up down there, and even then I managed to find a way back to life.

And I'm not only on the way to fight, I am fighting now. And I don't put up with bullsshit.

Hurt me now - and I promise you I will return the pain with interest.

I don't know... I should get on the train and leave a situation like this and never return. But somehow I find it very educational and interesting to see, how everything evolves. So don't feel sorry for me, I'll leave if I can't handle it.

But for the first time in my life, I have the front seat to watch, how mentally I'll people gets treated by friends, family, health care system etc. And for some reason I don't get up and leave, its actually kind of interesting to notice what goes on.
So I'm having kind of an adventure first hand here, which hurts quite a deal, but is too educational to give up.

I'll let you know, when I explode in anger - I bet you'll all hear it!

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