Personal Note - Status Ultimo January

I have been writing facts, cold and hard facts, about my Psychologist and doctors visits. About medication, about tools, about research.
I haven't been writing much about how I feel, and how I am otherwise doing.

Physical facts:
Well, my wight is climbing. I am now at 51,4 kg. That's a huge progress from the 47,4 that I was looking at 14 days ago. I still feel cold, but well, there's mother nature facts too, it's cold outside, so that's only natural.
I trow up sometimes still, not by choice, but I guess that the weight climbing is a good fact.
I still hate eating, I still hate the process of making food (before I was enjoying to work for hours in the kitchen).
I'm bleeding again, like a period, but its not. 


Mental facts:
I miss to have a man to come home to. I know I have the children, but it is not the same.
I miss to have someone to fall asleep with, someone to cuddle, someone to have sex with.
I wish, that I had the desire to live, I don't. I don't see anything positive in the future.

Well, maybe I'll finish this another day, for now I'm too tired.

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Third Visit to the Psy - remember your condition!

My third visit to the Psychologist started with me being totally stressed out - even before the meeting.
A little something like car trouble made me stress out so badly, that I was shaking all over. I got there in time, but I was shaking all over my body.

It took some time to get me to relaxed, and I didn't feel the connection with the Psychologist in the beginning at the session, as I used to. I guess all my "defenses" got in position and closed me down for some time.

My Psychologist however, was able to work me through that (of course). So I guess after 15 minutes of the 1 hour session, he was able to get me into the place, where we could "work."

I told him about the research, that I had been doing. That I found a lot of similarities between my ex boyfriend and the description of a psycopath. He didn't seem surprised at all. We talked a lot about the fact, that I should look "out" for answers - I should not consider myself the reason of the problem.
And again he underlined, that "I am not a bad person."

Then we talked about the fact, that I feel lazy. I can't find the energy to do anything. Even little tasks as emptying the dishwasher or doing the laundry, feels overwhelming.

My Psy told me to remember my condition. When I feel, that I am lazy, its not because I'm lazy. I'm sick. He asked me to remember, that I see him every week, I get several kinds of medication, which is followed by my personal doctor and the district psychiatry.
What would I do, if I had a broken leg(?) Or the influenza(?) Rhetorical question! I would lay down and relax. And that is what he wants me to do now.
Relax. Remember my condition, and accept, that I am sick.
Its remarkable, that I under the circumstances is able to do my job and take care of the children. He was impressed, that I was able to do that. But he warned me not to push it.
Slow down, don't demand anything of yourself. And accept all the help from others, that I can get!
Remember your condition: you are sick!

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Research: Psycopath, Narcissist, Empathy Disorder

At the second session, my Psychologist told me, that I look inside for a solution to whatever happened.

I give myself the fault of everything that has happened to me, and that's first of not healthy - secondly he told me - and under stressed that - It is not my fault that another person is treating me badly.

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Second Visit to the Psychologist - Understanding

My emotions is totally closed, but my Psychologist feels, that I am fortunately starting to open up just a little bit, and that is what he needs - so that he can get "inside" and work with the feelings.
I am getting some "tools", as he call it, to use for different situations, which I'll describe later.

He told me, I have been through a lot, so of course there was a lot of shit running around in my head. He wondered though, what was the main thought(s), that was bothering me right now.
My main issue was and is surrounding the fact, that I was left, and left in that way.
And the fact, that another person, that I loved so much, could treat me so badly - that must mean, that I am a really bad person.

My Psychologist said, that I had a way of always looking inside for the answers- instead I should try to focus on looking outside for answers.

The fact, that my love me in that horrible way, was not my fault. That's was my boyfriends problem, and something he should live with for the rest of his life.

My Psy said, that the next time I was giving myself the fault of this breakup, and being treated this way, he suggested, that I should do some research on the following:
Psycopath
Narcissist
Empathy Disorder 
- and see, if I could recognize some of the descriptions given, that was fitting on my boyfriend.

(the result I came up with during my research, was quite interesting and also very scary. I'll write more about that another day, in another thread)



The "tools" is for different situations - but to make it short, the tools is:
When I feel anxiety/depression starting to grab me, where I just want to crumble together and make myself as small as possible, and hide from the world - then I must do something active/hardcore, if I in ant possible way can do that... Its a little difficult to describe. But I should do something like:

1. scream out as loud as I possible can (it gets emotions out of the body, that's also why you see people in crisis screaming)
2. out react, especially with the upper part of the body (because its in the torso, my feelings are, the stomach pain, feeling lack of breathing) punch something!
   
3. listen to loud music, active music - dance to it if possible - sing (scream) to it, to get the feelings out - if possible

It is very rare, that people in general is able to tell exactly, what triggered the "anxiety attack" - but if I feel that it is possible at all, I should note down, what triggered it.

To follow the tools, I do the following:

1. I cant scream out loud, that will scare the children - they have seen enough (I do it on Thursdays, when my girl is at her dance classes) It's very rare, but I sing out loud to music sometimes - and it really helps. It's just very rare I can make up the desire to sing at all.
   
2. To out react, I have found, that the best is to put my desk in the high position and make "push up" from that. My poor physical condition doesn't allow me to do real push ups. Geez, I was able to do real push ups with one arm - not right now!
3. Powerful/happy music, for that I especially use the sound track from Transformers 1, also:
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eouUdcgXBE&feature=related
   fast forward to 1.14 minutes - that's when the powerful music starts, and
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSpakuC5eq 

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Medication regulation and eating

After my first session with the Psychologist, the agreement was to get my medication checked with my personal doc.
I didn't really care, only if they would serve me a doc Kevakian treatment.
if I could just get out the "easy way", that would be great.
But I fight for the sake of my children.

I went to my personal doctor, accompanied by my friend and neighbor: Rie.
First priority was to get my medication regulated:

I now get the following medication:
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 75 mg, but working my way to 100 (I cant go to 100 mg in one day - I started on 50 mg and work up)
This drug is what people in general refer to as "happiness pills" but they don't work from one day to another.
The medication helps with the building of the signals in the brain, so that the messages between the brain cells is being send to the right places.
I have used this medication before, and I know it works. I have many years ago been on 400 mg a day - that is not good for me.
So we start with the base dose and work up - but I know the limit for me is 300 mg

2. Tolmin
(Mianserinhydrochlorid)
This is also an anti depressant drug, that helps the nr. 1 working.
The reason I started on it now - yesterday - is that for me, it has 2 side effects:
When I take it, I fall asleep 15-20 minutes after.
The second side effect is, that it makes me hungry!
I got it today, and I cant take it right now because of the first side effect, but my hope is, that when I start taking it, I will start eating again.

3. Apozepam
(Diazepam)
Well, that's the good stuff, that works in 15 minutes.
Its the stuff that keeps me from drinking/medicating myself.
On a normal day, where everything is fine, I don't need anything - but a hug from you. See your smile, you telling me how wonderful I am, having sex with you - that's my normal dose.
Well, I don't have that anymore.
I get apozepam regularly now, even though the doctor wont normally describe it.
Its a heavy drug.
I'm from 2 mg a day to 15 now. It is effective, but it is also addictive -that's why the docs don't give it normally.

4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
It is quite expensive however.
On daily basis, where I need to be able to drive, I cant take the apozepam. Then I take "Valerina forte"
When I needed to sleep, I take "drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"

With the apozepam and the tolmin, I think Ill quit the nature medicine.

The eating / vomiting:
Thats not easy. Its affected by ny wish not to live.
I got a prescription for some "drinks", that should be good for me.
Got it the same day - tastes like crap.

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First Visit to the Psychologist - I'm Too Closed

My Psychologist...
I liked him right away, there was definitely no bad chemistry there.
This first appointment was naturally a summarize - an overview of  what had happened.
The Miscarriage, the loss of the baby, and shortly about the bad stuff surrounding that. The massive blood loss, the overwhelming amount of the mass, that came out of me.
The death of the father of my children, the feeling of being the only parent left.
And the final "stroke", what brought me into the crisis phase: my boyfriend leaving me like that!

Then the problems, that came because my boyfriend left me, and leaving it up to me to deal with all his stuff, living up to his demands for papers, abortion, solving the problem with the dog, that only my boyfriend could control etc.
The abortion, that had to get done, because my boyfriend left me.
The lack of me understanding, why he left me, and me feeling like the worst person on the planet - when the person you love the most is treating you like shit: you must really be a bad person!


I told him, as it is - straight out from the bag of total confusion:
I have no wish to live. If it was not for my children, I would have committed suicide. During the first week of my total brak down, I tried several times - but the cutting in it self - gave me some sort of feeling back....
My children has already lost their daddy this year, and yet another "daddy", my boyfriend their "step-dad".
I have no appetite. I hate the thought of food. It's not like I am suffering from anorexia, I just feel disgusted by the thought of eating anything.
I like when I get the feeling of throwing up. I like to feel the pain, when my body contracts into throwing up - but nothing comes out. Its not like I want to throw up - I just like the pain that comes with it! How insane is that - to enjoy to feel that pain!

My Psychologist told me several things:
The reason, I like the feeling of physical pain, is because that's the only moment, where I feel myself for real.
Right now I am still in the crisis phase. My body and mind has sort of seperated, something called Dissociation.
Dissociation is a crucial survival mechanism that protects you during a crisis and afterwards. It helps you stay on task so you can protect yourself. If you are able to function without fully experiencing the emotional impact of an event, you can accomplish tasks until it is safer to deal with your emotions. (from http://therapist4me.com/Dissociation.htm)

I was simply "closed down" emotionally, to protect myself from more harm.
My Psychologist needed to "find a door into my soul", to be able to work with me. Right now he could not do that, cause I was protecting myself by Dissociation.
So the agreement was, that he would contact my private doctor, to work with her in regards to my medication.

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Christmas and New Years Evening

December was hell for me.
Jingle bells, lights, happiness - fuck it. I just wanted to die.
For my children, I wished to had a positive view of things, but I couldn't at all. I did not care. I wanted to die.
Everywhere I went (when I was outside, and that was not often) it was happiness all over - parents/couples being together with their children.
I didn't have that - I didn't even understand why I didn't have that. I was left without explanation.
Already in November I was prepared for Christmas, I had huge plans -the first gifts was already bought.
Then he left me - my boyfriend.
Everything fell down to ground zero.

Me being so sick, I was living at my parents place. Trying to handle work the best I could from there, controlling what I could with the teams, beeing on the phone a lot.

Christmas was horrible. New years even worse.
Well, maybe another day Ill finish this

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