I wish someone would listen

I wish I was invincible instead of being ignored all the time.

I thought a lot about this post, the first post in a very long time.

I don't want you to leave this site empty handed, which I've got the feeling you have done for a long time.

I haven't had a lot of news to share, Covid19, isolation etc didn't have a huge impact on me in the beginning. I'm used to be alone, I'm so used to have nobody to talk to, and especially used to noone listening to me for real.

Back in my working days, I felt needed, trusted and even missed at times. I could even have people waiting to see my car roll up in front of the building, and have people look at me with relief, cause now I was there, and they felt sure, I would take care of any problems, that came our way.

I miss that feeling.

Now I'm just home everyday, my words seem to have no meaning, no impact on anyone and people don't even pay an interest in whatever I say.

It's very frustrating to be ignored in that way. People even interrupt me without the slightest excuse, and I start to wonder, how long time will it take for anyone to notice, if I'm gone.

I know it's a bad place to be in my mind, but thought keeps popping out up in my head. And that's slowly breaking me down.

Sometimes when I try to start a conversation, they not only interrupt me with a totally different subject - it feels like I'm not even in the room. I'm invisible!

I've started to think about getting some work. I'm allowed to work a few hours. I don't think it would matter much, what i actually do, as long I get some colleagues to talk with a few times during the week. Just to get some input from someone else, than the dog. At the same time I worry, that I won't succeed. What if it turn out, that I can't even handle a few hours of work during a week, what a huge failure I would end up to be.

It would be nice to be heard, it would be nice not to feel ignored and invisible. It would be nice, if my opinion mattered to anyone. 

I seem not even to be allowed an opinion, I mean nothing to anybody anymore. Perhaps that why such a long time since I have been writing. Who wants to write, if your words means nothing?

That's hard to fight at the moment, I hope to figure out what to do with these emotions.

Until then, take care out there.

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Hes just not that into you

Thank you very much for your mails and suggestions of how to solve our problem in the bedroom.

I've read all your comments, cause I still have issues caused by my boyfriends comments and bad excuses to escape from having sex with me.

Some of you suggest I understand him. And I have tried.

I tried to understand.
I tried talking, yelling, screaming, telling him how much he hurt me.
I took him to a sex shop, and we bought a game.
We had sex 3 times, then a 3 month break.

Then I discovered he was watching porn morning, noon and before sleep, 3 times a day - and he had bought tools to pleasure himself (an artificially girly part, if you know what i mean)
He promised, he stopped, but our walls isn't sound proof, so...

I'm thankful for your suggestion, but I'm sorry to be the negative part here. But my experience is, he will do it again, and it'll hurt even more, cause now he is also lying to me.

If I dont leave, I'm scared, cause from now on the questions will start to pile up;

Why is he suddenly leaving early in the morning(?) 

Why is he typing on the phone all the time?

Is he writing to another woman?

Wheres the third party limit? 

Is it okay to look at bare naked ladies in aa magazine, to be watching porn?

Is it okay to write send heart hug emotion to another woman, okay to write sexual stuff to another person?

Where's there limit?

Should I suggest an open relationship?

And what's the point of that actually, I never really got that! How does that work? Does it work at all?

I think he has completely lost interest in me. This morning I wrote a SMS telling him, that I don't feel good, I'm scared to answer the phone again, can't sleep, so I suggested separate bedrooms (as if I would've noticed!)

He just wrote 2 line saying he thought that would be a bad idea.

Since then nothing. Nothing to make me feel better, no support. But I notice has been on a break, cause he could manage to find the time to send his congratulations to one of his girl friends birthdays.

I feel very much alone with a lot of questions, and I dont know what scares me the most!

A true answer or a nice answer, which will turn out to be yet another lie later on.

I really don't know what to do. Maybe I a too damaged and too suspicious, cause I know the signs way too well.

Or maybe I should watch the movie;

He is just not that into you

 

 

Pictures from:

netizenquotes.com

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The eternal fight not to spiral down

It seems I live my life constantly fighting NOT to go down, and the thought of being a sinking ship, it's actually a cause of a bit of anxiety.

Also, when I'm spiraling down, I tent to fight to stay above ground and not fall into the hole of nothing. But that fight takes up a lot of energy.

With Covid19/Corona, even I feel the lack of contact to other people now. Living isolated like this at home is very bad for my anxiety as well. Now I'm back living behind locked doors and afraid to get the mail.

However, as everyone else, I get depressed by this quarantine. My anxiety blooms without me knowing it, cause we live isolated, I don't even experience it much, except when we go out on rare occasions....

I was fighting not to go down at first by keeping busy. But when the bad feelings takes over, you can't fight it anyway, so this time, I just stepped into the ride voluntarily.

When I felt the urge to sleep, I slept. I turned off my phone to avoid interruptions. I was just alive. 

I could be looking out the window at the snow falling for hours. Watch an old TV series from start to finish, no matter what time it was. I simply accepted and followed the demands/needs of my body.

That was a soft landing! 

I was down, yes, and at the buttom, absolutely. But I wasn't exhausted by the fight not to go down as usual. 

And the end of this bad period will also arrive here faster, because I was willing to listen to my body.

I'll definitely do exactly like this, when it happens next time. I won't fight the inevitable. 

It's not a cure, but a softer landing doesn't damage the airplane as much as a crash landing. I'll be up flying this time more fast, than I normally would do.

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Nothing left to say

On top of being alone and isolated all the time, not just because of Corona, but because I had to sell my car. Being isolated is quite nomal for me.

And on top of being ignored, shouted at, frozen out, left alone, told to move out, finding porn and sexual pleasurement for males in the bedroom, my Saturday went as follows...

Today we had one fight in the afternoon, caused by his lies.

In the evening, I thought we should be watching a movie together. Instead he was paying more attention to his phone.

Late in the evening, he complained, his cloud was full, and asked me to empty it.

And full it was, but not much by pictures of any of us. Nope, the reason for the big storage use on his cloud was porn.

I left my spot at the computer immediately, told him to remove it, and went out of the room.

I downloaded half a year, then I found porn again. 3 hours of that dirt in a row. 

I just got up without a word and left the room. Sat down on the staircase looking out on the snow in the garden. It felt like I could hear every heart beat in my body brushing in my ears, and I was shaking all over. My God, how can he do this to me?

I came back 15 minutes later and sat down in front of the TV.

He told me, he had removed all the stuff, also pictures out of focus.

I simply couldn't handle any more reminders of the obvious fact, that I'm not good enough, and told him so.

There must have been 20-24 hours of porn in his cloud.

Later on he told me he was sorry.

Give me a break, this is not the first time. Removing history from his account right after I found it the first time, is so obviously an act to hide, what he is doing. Why hide it, if you are not doing something worth hiding. Now I know why he goes to work early!

He simply insults my intelligence, otherwise he is the most stupid or naive man on the planet to think any woman would fall for that one!

Well, I'm sorry, he doesn't find me attractive and told him that. After everything he has said and done, I simply cannot see anyway back to what we have lost. 

I can't for my life find any more words to say!

I don't trust him, I dispise his tase for girls, geez, they are at my daughters age.

I recent his need to send lovely heart-greetings and hugging bears to every girl on his friends list, but me. I could go on, but it weighs heavily on my shoulder.

I sat down an listened to a lot of music, I was shaking all over. Depression is right on my shoulder and anxiety has already possessed me, so I'll leave the word to the songwriters of "Impossible", Arnthor Birgisson and Ina Christine Wroldsen.

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love, I did

And you were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot, I did

And now

When all is done, there is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won, you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

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Depression a lifesucking tornado

Happy new year.

Sorry to start without any huge enthusiasm, but each year I hope everything gets better - and I always get disappointed. So let's not take a walk thru that park again!

I had a bit of a shitty day yesterday, now my BF is going back to work, and I can be very scared to be alone.

I didn't want to annoy anyone with this, I'm so tired of feeling whining. So I called a friend who I trust equally as family, to get a lifeline.

The PTSD is stress related, and to me it means computers, phones, paperwork, noice, especially noice from the sound of a lot of people talking i a huge area.

So all the stress is really bad for me.  Christmas is supposed to be joyful and a happy time. 

Come to think of it: I have actually never experienced that. 

I always look so much forward to see everyone, and then it's over almost before it started.

This year mom was sick, coronatest to be done, Christmas tree, food, gifts, doctors, physical therapy. Do we make it in time....

And we did, we made it, it was so comfy and delightful to have the kids around me.

And BAM, then it's all over and the kids at home by themselves and my BF is back at work and I'm back being alone.

The house it is empty and sad, here's ofcourse always a lot to do here. But when sadness takes over, I become passive. I do not get outside, it triggers the anxiety. 

So I shoud stay inside and relax. But if I get behind in tasks, it triggers my stress  and PTSD.

It's like 3 diseases that reinforce each other and I can't seem to find the method, that will make my inner system work together.

So I was about to fall. I do not know how it feels to you? 

To me, it's like a big giant hole deep in the ground. And in that hole, there is a wind like a tornado, that just sucks everything down into the deep darkness. Sucks the last bit of strength and energy, sucks life itself out of you.

I suddenly found myself on that edge, feeling like I was getting sucked down.

And I do not want to go there, but the more I was fighting to stay out,  the closer to the edge I seemed to get.

I reached for a lifeline just to go through those hours, then I was "back" on safer ground.

No matter what, I'm gonna have to relax today.

I can't handle yet ano trip to the buttom.

Photo by;

Jonas Von Werne

Quotes and alike by:

netizenquotes.com

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