The second week is a little bit more clear, but since I was (and still am) in the crisis phase, its also still fuzzy.
My "wonderful" boyfriend, ignored me totally, unless he wanted something from me. He had left without the insurance papers for the car, and was angry with me, until I scanned it and send it to him. Then he was nice a little, and said thank you - after that he was back to ignoring me. I just wanted an answer: "why did you leave me - and leave me like that!" He ignored me totally, didn't answer my calls, mails, Skype - unless he wanted something.
I got - what I would almost call - hate mails from him, to get me to get an abortion. He accused me of wanting the baby, just to have something to "go after him" with. In the horrible state I was in mentally, I couldn't think a decent thought. I didnt understand, that he left me - and like that! Without a warning. I missed him terribly, he used to be my best friend, and now in his eyes, I was the worst person, that ever existed. I wanted so bad to have the baby, I couldn't bare to loose yet another one.
But in my clear moments (there was not many) I realized, that I could not raise a baby alone. And what should I explain, when the little one would eventually ask "where is my daddy?"
Abortion, even how emotionally painful the decision was, seemed to be the best option under the circumstances.
My feelings, from what I remember, was all over the scale. Panic attacks, sadness, hate, aggression, sorrow, unhappiness... I don't know, when it happened exactly, maybe over a period of time - but I started to feel numb.
I know I was at the Hospital at Tuesday, where I thought they would do the operation.
After that, the psychiatric should take me over - that's how I understood it from my personal doctor.
However that's not what happened - most likely I didn't understand it correctly. Messages seemed to just get right through me, I didn't really care, and was not really able to understand.
I went to the Hospital, where I thought they would give me the pills to start the medically abortion, cause they didn't want to do the operation because of my high blood pressure.
However, that doctor said, that the baby was now too big, and he didn't want to do it in that particular Hospital. And especially not as a medical procedure.
So while I was there, he called the bigger hospital, and I got an appointment with them the next day - Wednesday.
So that's when we left for mom and dads place, and on Wednesday we went to the big Hospital.
I met in the morning "starving" (I wasn't hungry, but you know, I was not allowed to have anything), was examined again, and they told me, that under the circumstances they wouldn't do the operation that day either. I should come back the next day in the morning, and be there, I think it was 7.15.
But they needed blood samples first, and we waited and waited - until a nurse came and - well - I felt like a needle bag after that, She tried three times in left arm, then 4 times in the right. My mom was on her toes ready to get another nurse, but I just wanted to get it over with.
I left with blood running down my right arm, cause the nurse didn't figure out to stop it.
I didn't care - to be honest... If I died right there, that would be perfect for me.
But well, I didn't get so lucky - so we went back to my parents.
Now Thursday morning. We had a horrible drive because of the huge accident on the freeway, and had to find another route. We therefore had to call the hospital to tell them, that we were late.
I think we arrived around 08.15. We were supposed to be there at 7.15
The hospital already knew about the accident, cause they were getting the injured people in their emergency.
So I was prepared to wait a long time to get my operation done.
However, at the hospital, they were very efficient, they knew of my mental and physical state, so I guess that is why, that I came in so quickly.
They were ready to receive me, when we came.
There was a doctor standing by, I got my hospital clothes (which was to big - but never mind) and I got into the bed and got my temperature taken. Too high. Geez.
And then blood pressure - again too high.
Well, after that I was prepared for a long time of waiting. But I didn't wait long, until a nurse came and asked me to go to the toilet to see, if I "could do something."
After that I was in my bed getting transported to the operating room.
That's embarrassing. People all around you see you being transported, and well - you don't exactly look like you are going on a date on this point.
At the operation department, I felt like I was waiting for 100 years. I was nervous, mostly for my mom, who had been through a lot the last weeks with me. Doctors or nurses or both were running back and forth, talking about normal stuff - and I thought to myself " hey - this is just a normal workday for them". That is how we would talk at work!!!
There was a huge number of people in the operating room. A lot more, than the last time I had an operation.
Again they couldn't find my veines, three different people was trying, in both arms, until they finally got it.
The last time I went under anesthesia, I was so scared out of my mind to not wake up.
This time, I was begging not to wake up anymore. When the anesthesia started to kick in, it felt like a relief. I could finally escape from this horrible world.
My "wonderful" boyfriend, ignored me totally, unless he wanted something from me. He had left without the insurance papers for the car, and was angry with me, until I scanned it and send it to him. Then he was nice a little, and said thank you - after that he was back to ignoring me. I just wanted an answer: "why did you leave me - and leave me like that!" He ignored me totally, didn't answer my calls, mails, Skype - unless he wanted something.
I got - what I would almost call - hate mails from him, to get me to get an abortion. He accused me of wanting the baby, just to have something to "go after him" with. In the horrible state I was in mentally, I couldn't think a decent thought. I didnt understand, that he left me - and like that! Without a warning. I missed him terribly, he used to be my best friend, and now in his eyes, I was the worst person, that ever existed. I wanted so bad to have the baby, I couldn't bare to loose yet another one.
But in my clear moments (there was not many) I realized, that I could not raise a baby alone. And what should I explain, when the little one would eventually ask "where is my daddy?"
Abortion, even how emotionally painful the decision was, seemed to be the best option under the circumstances.
My feelings, from what I remember, was all over the scale. Panic attacks, sadness, hate, aggression, sorrow, unhappiness... I don't know, when it happened exactly, maybe over a period of time - but I started to feel numb.
I know I was at the Hospital at Tuesday, where I thought they would do the operation.
After that, the psychiatric should take me over - that's how I understood it from my personal doctor.
However that's not what happened - most likely I didn't understand it correctly. Messages seemed to just get right through me, I didn't really care, and was not really able to understand.
I went to the Hospital, where I thought they would give me the pills to start the medically abortion, cause they didn't want to do the operation because of my high blood pressure.
However, that doctor said, that the baby was now too big, and he didn't want to do it in that particular Hospital. And especially not as a medical procedure.
So while I was there, he called the bigger hospital, and I got an appointment with them the next day - Wednesday.
So that's when we left for mom and dads place, and on Wednesday we went to the big Hospital.
I met in the morning "starving" (I wasn't hungry, but you know, I was not allowed to have anything), was examined again, and they told me, that under the circumstances they wouldn't do the operation that day either. I should come back the next day in the morning, and be there, I think it was 7.15.
But they needed blood samples first, and we waited and waited - until a nurse came and - well - I felt like a needle bag after that, She tried three times in left arm, then 4 times in the right. My mom was on her toes ready to get another nurse, but I just wanted to get it over with.
I left with blood running down my right arm, cause the nurse didn't figure out to stop it.
I didn't care - to be honest... If I died right there, that would be perfect for me.
But well, I didn't get so lucky - so we went back to my parents.
Now Thursday morning. We had a horrible drive because of the huge accident on the freeway, and had to find another route. We therefore had to call the hospital to tell them, that we were late.
I think we arrived around 08.15. We were supposed to be there at 7.15
The hospital already knew about the accident, cause they were getting the injured people in their emergency.
So I was prepared to wait a long time to get my operation done.
However, at the hospital, they were very efficient, they knew of my mental and physical state, so I guess that is why, that I came in so quickly.
They were ready to receive me, when we came.
There was a doctor standing by, I got my hospital clothes (which was to big - but never mind) and I got into the bed and got my temperature taken. Too high. Geez.
And then blood pressure - again too high.
Well, after that I was prepared for a long time of waiting. But I didn't wait long, until a nurse came and asked me to go to the toilet to see, if I "could do something."
After that I was in my bed getting transported to the operating room.
That's embarrassing. People all around you see you being transported, and well - you don't exactly look like you are going on a date on this point.
At the operation department, I felt like I was waiting for 100 years. I was nervous, mostly for my mom, who had been through a lot the last weeks with me. Doctors or nurses or both were running back and forth, talking about normal stuff - and I thought to myself " hey - this is just a normal workday for them". That is how we would talk at work!!!
There was a huge number of people in the operating room. A lot more, than the last time I had an operation.
Again they couldn't find my veines, three different people was trying, in both arms, until they finally got it.
The last time I went under anesthesia, I was so scared out of my mind to not wake up.
This time, I was begging not to wake up anymore. When the anesthesia started to kick in, it felt like a relief. I could finally escape from this horrible world.
Posts
