And so this is christmas

According to American movies, advertisements and my own expectations, this should be such a happy time.

But doctors appointments and meetings with social services takes a lot of the spare time. My boyfriend works long hours a day, to be able to take a day off, when I need to go the hospital etc.

I'm used to be the wife in total control, now I feel I have none. I have no car to go do shopping and make all those kind of preparations, I'm used to do.

Stocking up food ind the freezer etc.

The corona rules are changing all the time, so I check the rules each day. People in general are tired of the situation, I totally get it.

For me, the mask though, goes very well with my hiding-out outfit.

I look forward to see my children very much, my parents however, I haven't seen at Christmas for a decade. So you know, you can't help like feeling a bit of the black sheep there either.

I would love the Christmas, with couples romantic holding hands in the snow, while they're christmas shopping with huge smiles and perfect, spotles clothes.

We see that all the time in advertisements, but have you ever seen any in real life?

Well I'll take a big breath and make it thru.

My best christmas wishes to all of you and your families.

Photos:

Main; Any Lane

Quotes etc from Netizen Quotes 

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The brain seen like a mental equalizer

Reading descriptions of mental disorders and injuries, you often find some resemblance to yourself, no matter what disorder or injury, you find.

As a little thought experiment,  I've started to try to look at the brain as an equalizer, cause I've started the experiment  with the thought, that we all contain a bit of every disorder. 

In between the scale area of average, we actually and find the biggest part of people - let's just call them mentally healthy and fully functional during daily basis.

Compared to an equalizer, not all buttons are at same level, but in the normal area, and the music quality sounds ok.

Then we have the people, where some of the buttons are pushed either too high or too low.

Compared to music through an equalizer, some pieces of music is okay, and some has too high/low a bass, and sounds horrible.

Play the right music, the sound system won't notice, some buttons are outside of the normal area. Play the wrong music, and you'll start to ruin the speakers of the sound system.

Here we talk about people, who have special needs to function on daily basis. But if you give these people, what they need, they are able to work as well as a mentally healthy person.

(Medium depression or medium anxiety for instance)

At my final level, we find people, who is not able to function at all. They might be dangerous to themselves or others, or mentally tied to a bed or living indoors.

Here we ofcourse have an equalizer, that's totally out of range on many, if not all, levels. Music played through this soundsystem would ruin most of the system or even break down.

(Schizophrenia, Paranoia  Severe anxiety, severe depression, PTSD for instance)

In my experiment of thoughts, I just made 3 levels,  even though I find myself ind the middle of 2 and 3 (mostly 3 unfortunately.)

An educated therapist or psychiatrist would most likely not use the model at all, and definitely not use only 3 levels.

However this is absolutely not a detailed description, it's just to explain an idea.

Remember, this is just an experiment of thoughts, I don't know if it has been done before, I don't have any reference, its just yet another way to look at the brain.

However, what I find interesting in this theory: if you during training, exercises and therapy are able to pin point what triggers your personal equalizer, and makes you sing out of tune, then you are quite good going. Cause you have to know your enemy. Our brain is playing with us, and when we understand the rules of the game, it's possible to win.

Just a crazy thought on a boring day.

May your God's be with you :)

Photos by;

kalhh

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Silence after the storm

I don't really know what I'm doing. I just exist.

It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.

If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain. 

I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself. However in the long run it's definitely not healthy to put a lid on your emotions.

The sad news is, that this is what I do. I start to care less, it's like givin up on a sinking ship. I just let it go. I don't really care to save anything, there's no reason to, the boat will sink at some point, since water keeps pouring in.

This is the most empty feeling ever, and I have no solution or desire to try to figure it out, it seems to be too late. Theres too much water in our boat, and I'm the only one at the pumps. Why bother then(?)

I know this bubble will blow up at some point, and this silence... I'm also sure will end, whether it's going to be a final explosion or a decent talk, I have no idea.

For now, I just keep to myself, and talk, when I'm asked. And everybody seems to find that perfect, so I decided to play along this time. Thry don't appreciate my company, they don't seem to care if I am doing okay or not. I might as well be invisible,  they would ignore me equally. 

But God I need to talk with another person. I need to feel worthy of something, at least just worthy to be noticed.

Fortunately I have Lucy (CCTeam), who I've  asked to make these graphics, and she's a lady with her own opinion. I love that.

Sometimes I notice, she sort of answers me in the work she's doing. If I ask for a quote about loneliness, she doubkes up with 2 other creations of "it's better to be alone..." 

It's nice to have their support, cause I start to feel unworthy of love. Maybe it's not in my cards to be loved unconditionally, truly, fully in a solid marriage. 

Original photo by:

Pixabay 

Quotes by;

Netizen Quotes 

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