Depressing rainy days with panic attacks

I know, it's the season changing, and it seems that I manage to "forget" that each year.

Everything is wet, cold, windy, rainy and grey, and it affects my mood big time.

SAD, seasonal effective disorder is normal in my country, and when you are depressed upf front, the season changes definately not help.

I've tried to get up, but doesn't really succeed. It's like I don't put my heart into fighting this right now. I wonder why.

I feel tired. Tired of fighting all the time to keep my head above water.

And now I have a period of panic attacks. Stomach cramps, an elephant sits on my breast, I can't breathe. I can't stay inside my body, I want out, but I can't. My skin is strange and every fiber in my body screams RUN, but where to(?)

I know I always say, that you can't force these things, and perhaps I need a bit more RnR, but at the same time I don't want this disease to take me prisoner.

But... the result is the same. I'm dressed, but other than feeding the animals, I have managed effectively to do absolutely nothing.

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I'm on a break from the world - dissociation

I discovered, I have a habit of escaping into a fantasy world, when the real world seems to hard to handle.

I am not totally disassociated, I'm well aware that the world I escape into is not real. But dissociation gives me the break from the true world, that I need.

And as always, I find a "magic world" or similar, to escape into. Anything but the real world will do!

I'm eating and sleeping a lot, and I have been for some days now, so I'm waiting a bit for the excitement to do something, will break in.

I feel, that I do not contribute enough, and the others had noticed, how hard I worked to get the house in order, they encouraged me to take a break. But I also start to feel their impatience (or maybe it's my own guild.)

I just know one thing for sure... If I'm not careful, if I force myself, I'm going to end up a lot worse.

So I'm still on a break with something as thrilling as "the magicians" and "Harry Potter."
Take care out there :-)

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Rest and Recreation

After all the stress around the house, I noticed, that my body has started to tell me, that something is off. Or maybe I have started to listen more!!!

No matter what, I have gone in RnR-mode, I rest a lot, I eat, and today I'll go thru my meds and check I've got everything on stock at home.

I'm not totally down - not at all. But I can't handle a lot of plans, I don't want to promise anything to anyone, I want to try to take it easy and just rest.

I'm filing the buttom of Maslow's pyramid og needs - sort of speak.

I'm primary resting, sleeping and walking in mature. I keep the house uncluttered, which is now a bit more easy, and I wash a load of clothes. Other than that, I just am.

Accepting my sickness, my weakness, was a challenge. But after that, it was a relief.
Now I live my life with the disease, which gives me much better results than stuffing pills in my mouth. Is a strength to know your weaknesses.
When you do, you can figure out how to work around it and how to live with it on daily basis.
Yes it requires sacrifices - but you gain so much more :)

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I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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