This is hilarious - to me at least

I was SO tired today. The house went to sleep late, and I got up early - surprise.

I feel tired all the time, and at the same time I have huge troubles with insomnia. After a period of not sleeping, I really need to catch up, when I can.

But I don't look sick, so...
The following conversation took place...

"I'm SO tired all the time. You all go to bed late, I can't keep doing that."
"Why don't you sleep in during the weekends?"
"Who takes care of the animals on daily basis? I never get at break."
"Well, if you can't handle it, maybe we should get a dog sitter for a weekend."

I was caught by such surprise, I didn't have an immediate comeback.

We don't have money.
But if the situation end up in a man getting up early on a day off, then we need to hire a dog sitter!

I'm sorry, I might be mentally insane, but is it such a stupid idea to think, that a man could be able to remove his ass long enough from the sofa to take care of his own dog once a week(?)

God, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. But I'm for sure nothing else but a dog sitter and housekeeper.

There it is, once again.

I don't look sick, so nobody remembers how important sleep is for me.
Or maybe they do, but if the result means work for them, they don't care.

I don't know which option is worse...

But at least someone out there loves me <3

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Don't forget I'm sick even when I feel fine

- I wrote a blog post called "My way out of depression".
It might seem funny, that I don't seem to follow up on that, but in fact I do on daily basis, I just don't write particularly about that.

But I stumble my way back through from the deep black hole, trying to find my way to the light. I'm in the grey zone, and I stumble, I fall, I get hurt, I'm sad - but I also have successes, good days, with laughter and joy.

As written many times... 

The road up from the hole of depression, anxiety and darkness is not a straight line upwards. 

It seems like I spiral downwards again, with direct course for a total mental breakdown once again, with no hope in sight. Sometimes I get scared that I'll end up at the mental hospital once again. 

Ofcourse people around me knows and noticed this - it's totally impossible to fool Farmer. My friends at the CcTeam keeps a close eye on me, I know, so now I have a safety net.

This also means, that I'm able to do personal tests of what works for me, and I can push myself to the highest. There will always be one, who holds on to the rope in the other end.

They let me go "the line", push myself to the limit and sometimes a bit above that - but when they sence something's wrong, they wheel me back in.

I had a long conversation with my mentor, and after that she told me to take a step back and look at my own experiences and results. 

You are in the middle of the forest, and you can't find the damn tree! - Farmer said.

And when I looked at it like that, I suddenly noticed, that I slowly had "let myself go". I had totally "forgot" that I was sick, and "forgot" to take care of myself, during the latest positive periode.

I also think it was caused by the heat during the summer, I couldn't eat lunch. So little by little I apparently just stopped forcing myself to do, what I knew I should have done.

If we were going somewhere, I couldn't take my medication, cause then I have to pee all the time - so I stopped taking everything including vitamins and minerals. Wonderful - I should get an award winning prize for stupidity!

My sleep is totally fucked up, cause everyone around me during the vacation seemed to think, that they were the only ones who needed to sleep in late once in a while. They went to bed late (I therefore could not go to sleep) and the dogs woke me up each morning at 06.30 as usual.

All in all I had slowly messed up my whole foundation. I need to prioritize my health once again, and get order in the buttom of Maslow's pyramid of needs!

So, back to basics - and learn from past mistakes:

I can't forget I'm sick, I need to remember to take care of myself during good periods too - otherwise it'll bite me in the butt later on.

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Too smart to be mentally ill

"You sound to eloquent to be able to get a early retirement."
Huh?

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I have been living on a little pink cloud

I always think the best about people. Well I WAS. And I hate the "friends" and family who has disappointed me, or worse.

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Trapped with people who dislike me or?

I din't know what to do. I had no idea of how to change this situation.

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The need to believe in something

When the world collapses below your feet, and mental disease brings you to your knees, it can be comforting pray.

I got some questions about religion from some of you. So even though I've danced my way around it, since I don't want religious discussions to be a part of this, I recognise the need to believe in something bigger out there.

I'll try to explain my thoughts about religion - I don't need your acceptance, we don't have to share the same thoughts - the disorders and syndroms wont change anyway - but then you know my point of view.

I find myself challenged in my belief in anything.
I do believe in a God, but you can call him whatever you want, cause no matter what you call "him", I believe we all either get hit by Karma or will be judged by our behaviour at the end of days.

I believe most religions actually goes well together, and may originally come from the absolute same story.
BUT I also believe, that some people are using religion - interpreting/translating it into something they can use for personal gain.

I'm a Christian, but could be compared to an atheist. I don't go to church each Sunday,  I don't find God there.
But...
A spring day, where every tree, every flower, starts to welcome the new season. The plants, that seemed dead, gets little light green buds all over, and will soon burst into wonderful colors...
That's amazing in my eyes. No man is able to do that.

There's a lot of examples like that.
The birth of a newborn child - tell me - do you need more proof(?)
I don't.

Maybe nature is our God - we most certainly cant beat her; Mother Nature.

I don't have the answer - and no matter what you believe yourself - neither do you!

What about all the bad stuff, that happens in the world then?
Why does our God not put a stop to that?

I asked a priest that question once, and he told me, he was a bit frustrated about people asking this question.  God is not responsible for everything that goes on.
If we all were able to live in peace - and I'm not just talking about war/peace, but also humans amongst each other. Then the world would be a better place.

If we start celebrating each others differences and cultures, instead of spreading fear and distance between us - we would go a long way.

If we stop spending money on fighting each other, and helped each other out - we could accomplish so much.

But we are fighting, people die, people get wounded, and don't tell me we fight for peace - give me a break.

My point is we chose to fight - is that Gods fault?

Natural disasters happen - did you ever think about this: when natural disasters hits, nobody cares about country or region or religion - its life and dead, we all fight together to stay alive.

Another thing I had in mind  was that when we have a plus, we also have the opposite; the minus. In mathematics theres always and opposite for every function.
So, why shouldn't there be a devil?
Perhaps the devil is inside of us, and we have to fight our own personal battles to see, which side it the strongest?

So yes, I also think there will be some kind of justice in the end - or we get hit by nemesis and/or karma before that.

One thing I absolutely don't believe in, is weekly confessions.
I'm sorry, we are not children. We all know the rules. So if you get caught with your hands in the cookie jar, I honestly don't believe that it's okay, just as long as you confess.

If you sleep around, it doesn't make okay just as long as you confess. In risk of getting hate mails from everyone, I can honestly say, that its is one of the most hypocritical things I have ever heard of.

But for each religion we have, theres many things I like and some I dont.

I very short, I think I can sum my personal religion into one sentence that takes in everything I believe in.

Be nice to others.

In my opinion that covers do not kill, respect the elders, dont sleep around only with your spouse etc etc, doesn't it?
I my opinion it does.

I hope I didn't scare you all :) and that you have found something to help and support you thru hard times.

See ya :-)

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